Am I wrong to expect her to come and take her turn caring for her mother?

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am worn out. I also work 40 hrs a week. Occasionally, the other daughter in law pitches in. Her daughter lives in another state. The daughters husband just died. Am I wrong to expect her to come and take her turn caring for her mother. She is planning to move to another state to stay with a friend.

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We all have different circumstances and we are all different in our capabilities. First, no thought is "wrong." It's just a thought. The sister is likely still in the grief process, so she maybe isn't best suited person to help, but maybe she can down the road. Your husband should be helping in this, for sure.

Some assisted living centers offer more help than others (in the contract). But hired -in-home services provide a lot of care in many centers. Yes, it costs more, but it can help a lot. How much can your MIL do with provided transportation? A lot depends on what shape she is in.

The bottom line is that this is wearing you down. You need to insist that your husband brainstorm with you to find out how to best provide care without draining yourself of your own life.

It feels good to give and help and care. But for everyone, there is a point when the care for one person prevents good care for another. Balance is needed and is often very hard to find. But do try.

Keep coming back. You'll get lots of support from people who've been there.
Carol
CindyHawk54: Get over it. There are services at most independent living facilities for transportation into town. There she can drop off her own laundry/dry cleaning and pick up her meds, get a haircut etc. The few needs that she has now will seem miniscule compared to what she will need in the future. Try to be more serving and change that attitude! Believe me, when she's gone (and she will be gone someday) you will realize that the help that you can give her will be rewarding psychologically for you and your other relatives, who should help by the way. It seems that a driver is her most immediate need right now. Well do it, dear.
Norene
Where is your husband in all of this? She is HIS mother. He needs to step up to the plate and talk to his sister.

Call a family meeting. If people can't be there is person, then have them call in. Get a speaker phone. Have an agenda with everything that "mom" needs done. As time goes on, your mother-in-law will require even more assistance, not less.

Have a plan for an Assisted Care facility or at least check around to find out what they cost, if mom can afford it, etc.

Caring for an elderly parent is a family affair not the sole responsibility of the most responsible family member. If the daughter can not be there to help in person, then she can send money for respite care.
Does anyone have good methods of dealing with fecal incontinence? I am at my wits end. I feel like my own life is over. Sharon
My mother also lives in an assisted living facility (ALF) and THEY take her to doctor appointments. She goes in for quarterly blood draws which don't require much discussion with the physician. When discussion IS required my brother and I take turns meeting the van driver at the doctors office and helping her to the office and then talk to the doctor. Use ALL of those services offered by the ALF; that's what they are for and it's likely that your mom in law is paying for it anyway!
Cindy,
Most of us don't judge. We don't know what is going on in your life. If no one else can help, hire someone to lighten the load. Get your husband to pitch in, but don't feel down about your feelings. We have all been there. Some of us just forget what it is like, especially in the beginning when this whole caregiver thing is so new to us. Good luck
Linda
Sounds like my life! My mother-in-law has NINE children and I did everything. Some because of the lack of education of her children and the others just won't do it. Had the family meeting and got empty promises in return. So I deligate the work. I tell my husband what, when, where and it gets divided by him with his brothers and one sister. It's easier if one person is the main contact. Try being the "go to" person only or the "supervisor" sort-of-speak. Hopefully, their reason is "I don't know how" not "I don't want to help my mother". I get much more cooperation now. Be specfic as to her needs and who will be responsible for the task. Most important--follow up with that person to make sure they completed the task as promised. It's a little work but once everybody gets the hang of it the work gets easier and there is less of it. My husband and his brother now ask what I need or what their mother needs done next. Good luck!

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