kuli Asked May 2010

How do you get an elderly parent on board with in home care?

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I have been my dad's primary caregiver for 6 years now and find as he has become less able to care for himself that I am becoming overwhelmed. As I read in one of the stories here, my siblings are all involved when he is in the hospital or at a critical health state but quickly go back to their lives once the acute state is resolved, leaving me to provide the daily, more long term care. In addition to my full time job outside of the house, I juggle his home care, all of his doctor and medical appointments, his medications, etc. When I try to discuss some part time in home care, he insists that he can do for himself. How do I get him to understand without taking away what he seems to consider his last bit of independence?

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Didgens May 2017
this is a pretty old thread ,, but my dad finally agreed when I threw out my back cleaning his house. I had hit the wall 1 1/2 years in working full time and running around shopping/cooking/cleaning for him and my 3 kids as well. Once I pointed out to him that it was just to much for me and way more than I could handle and that this is what we were going to do for a while and see how it goes, he said ok. he then realized that I shouldn't have to be doing all this and he could actually see how much of a toll it was taking on me.
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aceypoo1 May 2017
I am so sympathetic to you all. My Mother is 101 yrs old and lives alone in an apartment. She will not admit that she "falls"! She says she has had a "sit down". She says she doesn't want to be a burden and yet will wait until the last minute to let us know she feels badly or is out of a necessity. We have a family friend who helps get her to the beauty shop, get groceries, etc. but all other responsibilities fall on me and my 2 siblings, both who live out of town and still work, so the majority of the time it falls to me. To complicate things, in August 2016 my husband had a stroke and now has frontal lobe vascular dementia and has deteriorated so that he is living in a facility. Mother insists on not using a walker in or out of the apartment which does make her a liability to anyone who takes her out of the home. Her refusal stems not from dementia, but from OCD and has been this way all of her life. It's a tough one!! My siblings and I have decided to let her live her remaining days as she pleases since she is otherwise healthy and takes NO MEDICATION. Her head is harder than ours!!!
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csgilbert Apr 2014
what kind of help is available to help someone stay in their home with only medicare as their insurance?
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capnhardass May 2013
id say pull back on the burden your carrying and transfer enough to dad to make him struggle. then tell him hes going to need some help as your too overstretched. your aleviating the need which indicates to him that all is fine. all isnt fine.. make it his problem, he'll be interested in help.
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Sometimes the family dynamic is such that it's hard for a parent to listen to anything coming from a child, even if they know their child is right and trying to act in their best interest. Sometimes bringing in someone from the outside is your best bet - a family friend, or a geriatric care manager can help to overcome the resistance. They don't want to feel like they are being a burden, and they usually don't want to deal with something new, but after the fact, they are usually okay, so don't be too hard on yourself. One option you might consider is inviting two companies into your home and letting him chose who he wants to work for him. That way he gets a say, but you get a care service.
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SerenitySDK Jul 2012
Does anyone have experience convincing a loved one that they are financially good? My mother has a 'feeling' that she has no money, despite that I show her statements, our talks, and me leaving her notes. It's all about her 'feeling'. Any suggestions?
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notlikemom Dec 2011
It may not be easy, but always keep in mind that what you are doing is to help your parent, even when help means you help yourself to survive. A social worker can be a great resource to find a good home care company. Your parent's insurance might pay for a consultation, or look online for free or low cost services. I am excited to be checking into an agency for my parents that has everything from companion care to nursing to pallitive and hospice. You may want to consider future needs and look for a company that offers all these services, so at least the caregivers come from a constant source.
Both my parents have been diagnosed with cancer in the last 2 months. Although they are still able to care for themselves now, it may not be long before that changes. We met with a social worker last week and got lots of info on home care. The social worker even did their applications for ride service! My mom refused to speak to the social worker, she just sat their glaring at everyone. But the information and help I got was worth it.
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Eddie Dec 2011
K:

Must be H__l juggling 3 jobs (Dad, the kid, and the 9-5) and hang on to your sanity. If you don't go out hunting for the Almighty Dollar every day, there won't be bacon in the fridge and milk for the baby. I shudder at the thought of walking a day in your shoes.

Since Dad isn't comfortable with bringing in someone to help that'll make him feel helpless, then he's going to have to take primary responsibility for his own care; including when you're home. As far as diabetes, he can watch what he eats so he can eat what he wants. In addition to medication, reducing mental & physical stress also helps with HBP.

Allowing him to take charge of things he's capable of will enhance his self-esteem, promote a degree of self-sufficiency, keep him fairly active, and prevent trips to hospitals that seem designed to make people sick(er) just to milk their insurance. Also, when people become walking pharmacies it's easy to condition oneself to believe there isn't much we can do to help ourselves.

As for your sibs, don't hold your breath. A simple phone call to ask how YOU are holding up and offer a smidgen of assistance with Dad is just too cumbersome.

"Give a man to fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime."

Good night my friend.
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wtschenck Dec 2011
I am dealing with this problem now with my elderly Aunt and Uncle. She has dementia and he is right behind her, although still able to make appearances that he has it all under control. After months and months of refusals for help, it occurred to me that you can't (and really don't want to) win the independence fight. They want to be in control. So, I changed my approach: I said to my uncle..."I need your help...". I went on to explain that even though he had chosen me to help him make good decisions, it was weighing heavily on me and my family that I was having trouble helping them. I was losing sleep (which I am) worrying about what might happen next; what freedoms they might lose if they didn't act soon enough, or worse. I asked him if he could help me by considering the choices I presented for assistance. When he saw that he was able to help me, it changed his way of thinking and he felt in control of the "decisions" he could make. They want to retain control - so help them help you!
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DeDe51 Oct 2011
anne123, and everyone here....thanks for the wonderful advice and support.
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