anonymous12582 Asked October 2009

How can I get my sisters more involved with caring for our mom so it isn't just my responsibility?

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Mom lives by herself in a house only a few miles away from me. I have 3 other sisters that live in the same town but they always make up excuses for why they can't help or visist her. My mother's memory is getting pretty bad. The other day I went to her house and she said she had $100 and couldn't find it anywhere, and she said one of my sisters took it (she hasn't been there to visit any time soon). I work full time so i don't get very much time to go to her house and keep an eye on her. I guess my question is how can I get my sisters more involved so it just isn't up to me to take care of my mom?

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hapfra Oct 2009
Hi Strawberry! Your situation is one that many caregives go thru, unfortunately. If a family meeting (with your sisters) about your mom's needs does not work, then you most likely will have to take the advice of one of the others who also replied. Do you think that possibly they are in denial-or just have excuses. Good luck in your caregiving journey~And remember your own health as well.
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glitterart Oct 2009
Hello, You may try looking into senior day care. I didn't know they existed. I did my research to find one a half a mile away from my house. I care for my 85 yrs old mother with mild dementia, 24/7 with very little help from my sisters. The day care facility is open 8am-5pm M-F at $10 hr. or $89 day for medical assistance or therapy. You can try a good senior care providers, make sure they are licensed, bonded and insured for your protection. This way you can get some help and rest, knowing your mom is cared for by trained professional. Good luck.
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1215 Oct 2009
Sounds great when those that should help do. However, the reality is usually that they just do not want to be bothered. I don't mean to be nasty, but just suck it up and move forward. Hire the help you need; it is better than constantly hitting your head against a wall!!
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AlzCaregiver, Can you provide more information concerning a Public Guardian for your Mom, such as, do you like this arrangement? What do you mean by "under the thumb of Mom's P.G."? And what do you mean by "passive aggressive maneuvers"? Thank you.
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Sometimes, it's a relief just to have them declare themselves deadbeats and admit it, so you aren't always chasing after halfass promises and "help when I can" (which somehow they always CAN'T). My two deadbeat siblings are now under the thumb of Mom's Public Guardian, and even then...when they jointly came to pick up something they were two hours late. Watch out for all the little passive aggressive maneuvers.
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My situation is not like yours, but I have had a time with my step-siblings and I'm the one that lives out of town, but am constantly up there. I found that talking really did not help. What did help was when I decided what I needed from each of them that was really possible for them to do and wrote them a group letter which included my step-dad as well. I also included deadlines by when certain things needed to be done.

I tend to agree with my son in high school. When it comes to group work, someone just needs to give the people in the group some direction or it all falls on one person which is usually him.

I hope this helps some.
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frontiers Oct 2009
My own sister offered that if I am doing business travel or want an extended vacation she will bring Mom into her home in the US to stay with them for any amount of time necessary. Her children are no longer at home but she has a job working out of her home part time.

Hope this helps.
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RightatHome Oct 2009
It is often difficult to get all the family members involved in the caregiving process. Sometimes (if they live far away) it can seem impossible. But today there are some extremely reputable national caregiver groups and organizations. Maybe one solution could be to ask each of your sisters to pitch in a little money and they you could hire a caregiver half the time. This would allow you time to de-stress and the sisters could help indirectly.


Best of luck,
Bill
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Try talking to them one more time but if they don't want to get involved, then you must find other means. For example, is there a neighbor that can look after your mom for a little bit? Or a close-by friend? If no, then you may have to look into hiring a caretaker.

Hope it works out!
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