How do you get siblings to discuss home care options for mother when you're not the primary care giver and Mom doesn't want outside help?
Four children in the family and I am the only daughter. Mom is 91 and still pretty sharp mentally. Two younger brothers live in the same town and are the primary care givers. They take care of her lawn, get her house cleaned and drive her to her appointments. Both sisters in law help,too. I live 500 miles away but stay with her when I am in town, usually every 6 weeks for about a week. During that time I give her mani-pedis, do major household tasks like washing windows and cleaning out the basement, painting and other spring cleaning types of tasks, cook her meals and stock her up with future meal options. I try to get her to go out from time to time, but her arthritis has become so crippling she's reluctant to leave her house. In the past 6 months her health has declined. She's lost weight, her eyesight is nearly gone, she's developed an infection in a finger from a burn a couple months ago,( doctor said he hoped he won't have to amputate it) and she's had two blood transfusions in the past 6 weeks. She wears adult diapers and has to be reminded to change them when they're soaking wet, has trouble setting the microwave time accurately, (ie;10 minutes instead of 1)and just rinses her dishes instead of washing them. The oldest brother visits once a year and has declared she's fine, that I'm not with her enough to know she needs additional home care and that the two brothers who are the primary care givers should decide. These two brothers are doing a good job, but missed the fact that her house was mice-infested until mom announced she may have eaten mouse poop in her cereal. I know I am not on the front line daily, but feel since I actually stay in her home when I'm there, I might be seeing more than they are. Or maybe as a woman, I'm looking at it from a different standpoint. Mom does not want anyone to come into her home to help except family. She gets depressed when I mention having someone come in from time to time to check on her. I don't know if I should gather home care information and call a family meeting (including Mom), or let the brothers who are really involved daily, make that decision. I feel totally out of my league here and hope someone else has dealt with this situation before. Thanks.