Follow
Share

In October my boyfriend and I let his 74 year old dad move in with us.He has multiple medical problems such as diabetes, congestive heart failure and more

Just days after arriving, he decided to tell me that my place was to cook and clean and I had no say in anything else, was to keep my mouth shut and do as I was told (by him). I of course responded with "This is my house and your son does not treat me like this and neither will you" Well me standing up to him, made him mad, but oh well, it is my house. I continued his care.

He is a Vet, so I got him set up with the VA Hospital here, and started gettting him excellent care. I was taking him to all his appointments, handling all his pills, scheduling, talking to the doctors and basically all aspects of his care, including wiping his butt when he couldn't. He developed Gangreen in his foot and leg due to diabetic foot sores, and had to have an amputation of his leg above the knee in December.

He continued to occasionally be mean and degrading to me. He also started trying to step in and correct our 8 year old son, yelling at him, telling him that he was stupid, telling him that he is a bad kid, and this continued despite my boyfriend telling him that he is the grandfather not the dad and it is not his place to correct our son or say things like that to him. He then started only doing it when my boyfriend was at work, which left me the only one here to defend our child, but when I would tell him to stop or that it is not his place, I got screamed at, cursed at, called every name in the book, told it was none of my business, told to shut up, I'm worthless, just the maid, and so much more. I would repeately call my boyfriends cell phone crying and mad. When he would get home he would say something to his dad, tell him to stop and then things would be good for a while.
However the other day things got really bad and have stayed consistantly bad for two weeks now. I slept in the other day, because I am so exhausted and emotionally drained. I got our son up late for school and had him getting ready, and went back to my room to get dressed because I had an appointment and so did dad. While I was getting dressed I heard dad yelling at our son telling him to hurry up he was making us late, and it was all his fault, and he never does what he is told to do. I went out and asked what was going on, and told him it was not our sons fault it was mine because I slept in and again it was not his place to be saying anything to our child. He turned on me screamed at me, cursed at me, verbally bashed me, bad mouthed our son, and we argued until I finally walked away and called his son. His son had me leave the phone on speaker and lay it down while we finished getting ready to go. While our son had breakfast I placed dads breakfast and pills on the table but he refused to come eat as he was sitting in the living room pouting like he often does when he doesn't get his way. I finally told him that he could "either act like an adult and come eat so we could go or he could stay home, it was his choice I didn't have time to argue" He ignored me completely. His son told me to go take our child to school and go to my appointment as planned, so I did.

In the meantime after my first appointment and before I got to my second I got a phone call from dad's dr that there was a problem with his blood work and his potassium was at a toxic, heart attack level, so I skipped my second appointment to come home and check on him and tell him that more bloodwork was needed. I was again cursed at and told to stay away from him. The nurse came and took more blood. I offered lunch that was also refused. Then the dr called back and said the level was still too high, dad needed to go to the hospital. I had did get him to listen long enough to let me take him to the hospital, but while at the hospital (I had to take my son cause it was after school) my son was acting up and I was told by dad that I needed to "punch that boy in the mouth then he would listen". I was so mad as this was not the first time he had said this, and I told him that it was inappropriate, and child abuse to say the least.

Once he was released and got home, he went off on his son, tried to tell him lies about the entire thing such as I just left him and didn't take him to his appointment, I didn't feed him, I yelled at him for no reason, ect. When his son told him he was on the phone and heard the whole thing and defended me, then he went off on is son telling him that he was a lier, wasn't his son, was worthless, basically anything he thought would hurt him. His son finally told him if that's the way he feels then maybe he needs to leave our home. He then turned on me and tried to throw me out of my own home, and got mad when his son said I wasn't going anywhere. We called his youngest son in Ohio who agreed to take him back in June, so we were trying to manage until then.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Aye aye captain!

LOL,
Mulata88
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

the most difficult thing in the world to gift wrap is a 5 gallon bucket -- but it can be done . im saying , gift the old guy a bucket of farts ..
all the self delusion in the world doesnt water down that gesture ..
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I don't like my stepdad, he says bad things about me to my mom and she doesn't care, I've tried telling her my feelings but she doesn't care what I have to say. So I wouldn't try telling your mom. But if your mom cares about what you say, tell her the truth, unless your stepdad beats you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

HMorgan: I worked at the VA for quite awhile and met several vets who told me their daughter or son was letting them live out back in their camper or a camper shell and they were doing just fine. That and a warm sleeping bad was working. Maybe you could get something like that and prevent him from being homeless yet get him out of your house. Maybe he would then look for a better alternative, or he could wait till the other brother coms and tows the camper away....But its his son who has to get on board with this in addition to you to make the plan. You would be surprised how inexpensive a used camper trailer can be.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Jane00 - if you want advice, use the "Get Answers" box and tell us about your situation. Are you in an apartment or house? Who owns it? Does your father have dementia?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Did social services from the VA tell you if there is any place they could put him? Would that be an apartment for those of low income?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

hmorgan6575, if you are still on the board, I know your post was from 2012, just wondering what happened in the past 3 years.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I read through your post - twice - and the answers - twice - because I was very confused especially when you asked someone not to "degrade dad"..."a family man"...and I'm pretty sure you meant the 74 year old man who is verbally abusing your son and suggests physical violence toward your son.

An earlier poster called your family dysfunctional and I couldn't agree more. That said, because your boyfriend's 74 year old dad refuses to leave it leaves it to you to find another place to live. Or it sounds like you can take him to Ohio where someone else may well need the experience of living with this man in order to get on board with having him placed in a nursing home.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Please tell me what happened. My father is doing the same thing and refuese to leave
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are in a really difficult situation.

Your boyfriend's dad has no business yelling at you or your son. After all, you all are the reason that he has shelter and care. However, there is obviously some logical reason why your boyfriend's dad is behaving this way.

I do not think that Child Protection Services would take your son. They come out and do an investigation but they aim to keep families together. The child is only removed if there are evident signs of child abuse or neglect.

If your boyfriend's dad is not able to go and live with someone else, you could check into an assistant living place. They have 24 hour staffing. Plus they get residents any necessary medical care. Some even go on trips to places like the grocery store.

Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Yadira, cities have laws about removing someone from a residence they do not own. Is your brother on the rental agreement for the apartment? Is your mother? You need to learn about the eviction rules in your location, and then go through the steps to have Brother evicted. If necessary, law enforcement officials will escort him out. But you have to go through the proper steps, such as giving him a written notice.

Will your mother go along with evicting her bi-polar son?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

How can I get my brother out of my apt he's been here 2 years he pay no bills and sleeps in my kichen my mother let him stay herer provide he helps her out in the house,mind you he work and has money saved in the bank and I my mother has Ask him to leave millions of times but he say he not leaving and he's got other issues he bipolar and is getting check for it
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

What a mess -calling an abulance to take him would not work where I live-I was going to do that witn my husband with mental illness but if I called an ambulance and he refused to go they would not take him. Without you managing his diabetiies before long his BS will be too high or too low and he will go into a coma and then can be transported to a hospitial. Do not give him any care or fix meals or anything he fired you and he can not come back and hire you if you do not want to have that job anymore-let him stew in his own juices-you do not deserve to be treated like this and he may go onto physical abuse. Keep us posted.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

hmorgan: Thanks for your response. If the brother in Ohio finds that his dad's care is just to much for him to handle and decides he doesn't want his child submitted to the old man's nastiness, hopefully all the brothers can agree that he needs to be somewhere else.

If he goes into the hospital for any reason. That would be a good time to tell the the hospital staff that family is no longer able to handle his care and are unable to have him return home.

Cattails
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Cattais,
I understand what you are saying, but if it were only up to me and my boyfriend that is exactly what we would do. But there are others in the family that will not agree to it and as long as the doctors say his dad is of sound mind (which I think they are wrong) we can't force him to go anywhere he doesn't want to go. two of the three brothers are on board with putting him in a home that isn't ours or theirs, but the son in ohio will not give in and insists on taking him. Believe me we have tried to talk him out of it even assisted with a long time family friend who is a nurse and he just refuses to believe that things are as bad as we say it is. I don't know what else to do, because without all three sons onboard and not being able to force the old man into going to a home there is not much else we can do, but let the son in ohio take him. Believe me when I say I don't wish this man on my worst enemy, but our hands are tied and nobody seems to want to help because he is still able to make his own decisions so at this point even medical power of attorney is useless.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

So Grandpa is going to another home where he will be exposed to a child? Does Brother know what he is getting into? I know that it is your way out of a bad situation, but I really feel sorry for the youngster in Ohio.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

hmorgan: I'm going to say something that you won't like. You guys are part of a very dysfunctional family. You just keep passing the child abusing father around to hurt more innocent lives instead of taking a positive action to end it.

Your boyfriend should have known better, but he would rather be "the family is everything person" rather than the "my family is everything person." There is a difference. If family is so important, then protect it. Don't submit your family to the abuse of an elderly man who is hate filled and evil. To do that is to leave your family open to hurt and impairment; a continuing cycle of abuse and dysfunction.

How you handle this will have an impact on your boyfriend's child. You will talk about this as years go on and he will see what your values are. Did you just dump Grandpa on another poor unsuspecting child who will then live his life in terror and confusion or did you take steps to stop the cruelty. What lesson do you want this child to learn?

Maybe you could all chip in and put this vile Grandfather in an apartment or senior housing where no children will have to be subjected to him. It's money well spent, probably some of the best money you will ever spend. And it will be something all of you can be proud of, that you took action to protect the children that you all seem to be fighting for custody of or fearful of losing.

Get you heads in the game and do the right thing. If your boyfriend can spend $30,000.00 to get custody of his child, I would hope the brothers can come up with a few thousand dollars to keep this man away from this kids you all profess to love so much.

Cattais.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Oh I know Nancy, We have tried to tell him that he has no idea what he is getting into, but he thinks he knows more than we do and can handle it better. It has been hard enough with the two of us together, and his son in ohio is single with no help, so I know he can't handle it alone, but he won't listen. So we figure he will just have to learn for himself! Nothing we can do about it! I agree that his kids should all just agree to put him in a home and let it go at that. The two sons here in Florida are in agreement on that but the youngest in ohio is not willing to do it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Now I worry about the brother in Ohio that is fighting for custody of his kid. What kind of influence will this mean old man have on yet another child?? I say no one takes him, he needs to be handled by people with no children.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Thank you all for your great advice! His son and I have talked about it and talked with DCF and a lawyer. DCF didn't seem to think it was a problem having him here even though we brought up the fact of the court papers, apparently that stipulation in the court papers only applied until the custody hearing was completed and full custody was granted and does not apply now, although that doesn't make much sense to me. The old man (because none of us are even calling him dad now) is staying outside most of the time except to go to bed, and we are all just avoiding him. He had already quit paying me for his care which has allowed me to refuse to do anything for him which is exactly what the lawyer suggested I do, because not paying me means he fired me. His son also is just ignoring him and letting him go hoping that his not eating and not taking his meds will soon put him in the hospital so we can just walk away, so now it's just waiting.

Why the brother in ohio cannot come until June, I don't know. All he says is he is not ready for him. I know he is currently in court for a custody battle to keep visitation of his own child, so I don't know if that has something to do with it or not, all he will say is he won't be ready until june 14th, but he has also said to do what we have to do and he will get his dad from wherever he is located when he gets here whether it is here or a hospital or home somewhere.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You are getting some great advice here, I think.

There is a choice to be made, and pronto: Granddad, or son. If the court said that Granddad can't be about your son, that's that. I absolutely would assist Granddad in any way that would result in him needing to get to the hospital, and then decline to allow him into your home afterwards. Stick to your guns about it.

It sounds like it's your boyfriend who will need some support to allow this to happen. The choice should be clear: help the one who made a lifetime of bad choices and isn't going to change, or help the one who cannot be responsible for himself, and needs to see his parents step up and protect him from mean spirited, ugly energy. I'm sending good vibes to all of you!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

May I ask why the brother in Ohio can't take his father until June. Under the circumstances can't he do it now?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You know, the more I think about this, the less I like it. The child abuse allegation will be reported, and if your son (yes, I said "yours" because he calls you Mom and you need to get into mother bear mode here) isn't supposed to be living with your boyfriend's dad, he'll be removed. Your boyfriend needs to get his dad OUT. It sounds like he's got to choose between his son and his dad, and fast. You both tried to do right by the old man. It bit you in the ass. I just hope it doesn't bite the kid now.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

hmorgan, if you were to call an ambulance, wouldn't they take him to the VA hospital? If so, then that's what I'd do. Once he's there, tell them that he needs more care then you can supply, so it's not possible for him to come back. They'll take care of him from there. BUT first talk to your boyfriend, and get him on board with you. If this whole thing comes back to his son's bio mom, he could lose custody if the courts think the boy is in danger with this mean old man around. This could mess the little boy up pretty good, so he should come first above all else.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

2 Things can happen, as with any job, you can just quit. Or you can take him to the local ER for not eating etc. Tell them to call when he has seen the doctor and
then just not pick him up tell them that he cannot come back home. I would however use the first solution myself. Just QUIT. Give him a written notice that as of ------------ you quit. I understand it is not the most desirable thing to do but you must think of the child.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

hmorgan, yes, you are so much closer to a solution now than you were. If your boyfriend can't talk the dad into leaving, and if he can't talk his brother out of state into taking the dad earlier than June, I guess if I were you, I'd begin avoiding the dad and not taking care of him. Sooner, rather than later, he'll need to go into the hospital and then you don't have to take him back into your home. I'd stop taking wages from him and I'd let him rot till he needs medical attention. Sorry, and maybe that's bad karma for me, but that's what I'd do. It just doesn't make any sense to let a parasitic old man abuse you and your child.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thank you Jeanne! Please don't degrade dad! He is a family man and believes that you don't turn your back on family no matter what and thought he was doing the right thing in caring for his dad. He now knows he made a mistake and is beating himself up over it enough on his own.

I have spoke with dad's social worker and psychologist today, and they told me that either I could contact DCF or they could. So I called DCF and made a report myself due to the fact that as a diabetic he was refusing to eat or take his medicine among all the other stuff. DCF came out talked with me and with him, but basically told me and his son that they completely agree that he needs to leave the home, but they cannot make him leave. We were given only two option: 1) talk him into willing going to his own place, assisted living or nursing home or 2) wait until he has a medical condition that requires admittance to the hospital then tell the hospital that we can no longer care for him and need help with placement, because we will not bring him back to our home. His son also talked to a lawyer who told him that in the state of Florida we cannot evict him from the home either because it is not a tenant landlord situation. If we try to evict him we will be responsible for setting him up in his new place including all deposits and 1st months rent, furniture or anything he needs and doesn't have.

So basically in the state of florida anyone you let stay with you can stay forever until they decide to leave and there is nothing you can do about it! How messed up is that?

Anyway, after all this we are still left with keep taking this treatment and deal with it until he decides to leave or we leave our home ourselves. However, the lawyer did say that if he did not pay me the caregiver wages for this month that he was paying which he did not that I am not obligated to do anything for him including I am not responsible for transportation to dr appointments, cooking for him, cleaning, laundry or anything, because technically with non-payment i have been fired as his caregiver.

This is what I learned today, and really am no closer to a solution, but maybe this information will help someone else by knowing ahead of time what you are getting into if you live in Florida.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Find out if an eviction notice is required in this situation in your state. If one is, serve that immediately.

Notify the VA that you won't be taking care of him after x date, and they may want to make other arrangements.

If he has a case worker through VA or otherwise, contact that person and set up an appointment for a heart-to-heart. Explain the urgent need to get him out of your house now because he is abusive to his grandson and his behavior is escalating.

Yes, it was a mistake to bring Dad into your home, especially with his history of child abuse. Too bad Boyfriend wasn't thinking harder about doing what a father should do. But that is in the past. Learn from it and move forward.

Consider getting counselling for the child, or better yet, family counselling for all of you to work through this awful experience. If your boy comes out of this understanding something about others with mental illnesses and also that no one has to tolerate abuse, no matter what problems the abuser has, that will be a ray of sunshine in this storm.

Best wishes to all of you. Keep us informed. It may take a while to get this straightened out, but the sooner you start, the sooner it will end.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Today things turned really bad! Dad's Psychiatrist was here to see him and in talking to her, he told her all kinds of lies. Most were minor stupid things such as we are trying to throw him out of the house that he bought, which he didn't buy his son and I bought it! That we are stealing his money which she knew was a lie because the VA Social worker set it up that he is to pay me to care for him, because I can't have a job because he needs 24 hour care. And then the worst thing came out of his mouth, he told her that our son is afraid of me because I beat the crap out of him and so does his son.

His son and I are completely freaking out and don't know what to do now. We know that it is mandatory that a medical professional report such alligations even if not true to child protective services, and we want him out of our house now! We have several problems with this situation, first my boyfriend spent 3 years and $30,000 fighting to get his son out of the system when he was removed from his biological mother (yes I know I said our son, but its habit because he calls me mom) and when my boyfriend got custody it was only after moving from his dads house because of prior allegations of child abuse against his dad, and his dad is not supposed to be living in the same house as our son, but my boyfriend tried to do the right thing and step up and take care of his dad like he believed a son should do, and now we don't know what to do. His dad just put us in a horrible situation, and put our sons life in jeopardy of going back into the court system all because we tried to do the right thing, and we are so scared and lost as to what to do. dad has two other boys, one of which is local and will not take him and one in Ohio that can't get him until June.

We need some help and some advice really fast in order to protect our son. My boyfriend is really beating himself up over making the choice to try to help his dad thinking things would be different, and he instead has put our family through alot and endangered his own son in the process. I am a nervous and emotional wreck and I don't know what to do or what to say to him to make things better. All we both know is his dad has to go Now! Preferrably yesterday, and he is refusing to leave and has even tried to tell us that this is his house and we have to leave, and it is not his house, his name is not on the deed his son's is.

Please can anyone help us! Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated. Sorry this is so long, but I needed to give all the details.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter