hmorgan6575 Asked May 2012

Urgent Help Needed! How to get rid of an unwanted family member that lives with you?

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In October my boyfriend and I let his 74 year old dad move in with us.He has multiple medical problems such as diabetes, congestive heart failure and more

Just days after arriving, he decided to tell me that my place was to cook and clean and I had no say in anything else, was to keep my mouth shut and do as I was told (by him). I of course responded with "This is my house and your son does not treat me like this and neither will you" Well me standing up to him, made him mad, but oh well, it is my house. I continued his care.

He is a Vet, so I got him set up with the VA Hospital here, and started gettting him excellent care. I was taking him to all his appointments, handling all his pills, scheduling, talking to the doctors and basically all aspects of his care, including wiping his butt when he couldn't. He developed Gangreen in his foot and leg due to diabetic foot sores, and had to have an amputation of his leg above the knee in December.

He continued to occasionally be mean and degrading to me. He also started trying to step in and correct our 8 year old son, yelling at him, telling him that he was stupid, telling him that he is a bad kid, and this continued despite my boyfriend telling him that he is the grandfather not the dad and it is not his place to correct our son or say things like that to him. He then started only doing it when my boyfriend was at work, which left me the only one here to defend our child, but when I would tell him to stop or that it is not his place, I got screamed at, cursed at, called every name in the book, told it was none of my business, told to shut up, I'm worthless, just the maid, and so much more. I would repeately call my boyfriends cell phone crying and mad. When he would get home he would say something to his dad, tell him to stop and then things would be good for a while.
However the other day things got really bad and have stayed consistantly bad for two weeks now. I slept in the other day, because I am so exhausted and emotionally drained. I got our son up late for school and had him getting ready, and went back to my room to get dressed because I had an appointment and so did dad. While I was getting dressed I heard dad yelling at our son telling him to hurry up he was making us late, and it was all his fault, and he never does what he is told to do. I went out and asked what was going on, and told him it was not our sons fault it was mine because I slept in and again it was not his place to be saying anything to our child. He turned on me screamed at me, cursed at me, verbally bashed me, bad mouthed our son, and we argued until I finally walked away and called his son. His son had me leave the phone on speaker and lay it down while we finished getting ready to go. While our son had breakfast I placed dads breakfast and pills on the table but he refused to come eat as he was sitting in the living room pouting like he often does when he doesn't get his way. I finally told him that he could "either act like an adult and come eat so we could go or he could stay home, it was his choice I didn't have time to argue" He ignored me completely. His son told me to go take our child to school and go to my appointment as planned, so I did.

In the meantime after my first appointment and before I got to my second I got a phone call from dad's dr that there was a problem with his blood work and his potassium was at a toxic, heart attack level, so I skipped my second appointment to come home and check on him and tell him that more bloodwork was needed. I was again cursed at and told to stay away from him. The nurse came and took more blood. I offered lunch that was also refused. Then the dr called back and said the level was still too high, dad needed to go to the hospital. I had did get him to listen long enough to let me take him to the hospital, but while at the hospital (I had to take my son cause it was after school) my son was acting up and I was told by dad that I needed to "punch that boy in the mouth then he would listen". I was so mad as this was not the first time he had said this, and I told him that it was inappropriate, and child abuse to say the least.

Once he was released and got home, he went off on his son, tried to tell him lies about the entire thing such as I just left him and didn't take him to his appointment, I didn't feed him, I yelled at him for no reason, ect. When his son told him he was on the phone and heard the whole thing and defended me, then he went off on is son telling him that he was a lier, wasn't his son, was worthless, basically anything he thought would hurt him. His son finally told him if that's the way he feels then maybe he needs to leave our home. He then turned on me and tried to throw me out of my own home, and got mad when his son said I wasn't going anywhere. We called his youngest son in Ohio who agreed to take him back in June, so we were trying to manage until then.

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Mulata88 Mar 2016
Aye aye captain!

LOL,
Mulata88
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captain Mar 2016
the most difficult thing in the world to gift wrap is a 5 gallon bucket -- but it can be done . im saying , gift the old guy a bucket of farts ..
all the self delusion in the world doesnt water down that gesture ..
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Dancer14 Mar 2016
I don't like my stepdad, he says bad things about me to my mom and she doesn't care, I've tried telling her my feelings but she doesn't care what I have to say. So I wouldn't try telling your mom. But if your mom cares about what you say, tell her the truth, unless your stepdad beats you.
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kathy1951 Nov 2015
HMorgan: I worked at the VA for quite awhile and met several vets who told me their daughter or son was letting them live out back in their camper or a camper shell and they were doing just fine. That and a warm sleeping bad was working. Maybe you could get something like that and prevent him from being homeless yet get him out of your house. Maybe he would then look for a better alternative, or he could wait till the other brother coms and tows the camper away....But its his son who has to get on board with this in addition to you to make the plan. You would be surprised how inexpensive a used camper trailer can be.
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Jinx4740 Nov 2015
Jane00 - if you want advice, use the "Get Answers" box and tell us about your situation. Are you in an apartment or house? Who owns it? Does your father have dementia?
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kathy1951 Nov 2015
Did social services from the VA tell you if there is any place they could put him? Would that be an apartment for those of low income?
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freqflyer Nov 2015
hmorgan6575, if you are still on the board, I know your post was from 2012, just wondering what happened in the past 3 years.
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I read through your post - twice - and the answers - twice - because I was very confused especially when you asked someone not to "degrade dad"..."a family man"...and I'm pretty sure you meant the 74 year old man who is verbally abusing your son and suggests physical violence toward your son.

An earlier poster called your family dysfunctional and I couldn't agree more. That said, because your boyfriend's 74 year old dad refuses to leave it leaves it to you to find another place to live. Or it sounds like you can take him to Ohio where someone else may well need the experience of living with this man in order to get on board with having him placed in a nursing home.
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jane00 Nov 2015
Please tell me what happened. My father is doing the same thing and refuese to leave
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Star85 Aug 2015
It sounds like you and your boyfriend are in a really difficult situation.

Your boyfriend's dad has no business yelling at you or your son. After all, you all are the reason that he has shelter and care. However, there is obviously some logical reason why your boyfriend's dad is behaving this way.

I do not think that Child Protection Services would take your son. They come out and do an investigation but they aim to keep families together. The child is only removed if there are evident signs of child abuse or neglect.

If your boyfriend's dad is not able to go and live with someone else, you could check into an assistant living place. They have 24 hour staffing. Plus they get residents any necessary medical care. Some even go on trips to places like the grocery store.

Good Luck!
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