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How do you get over the resentment and bitterness regarding family members who won't help but easily could? Family members who've spent a lifetime judging other people so harshly? I never dreamed as my Mom entered this phase of things that certain family members would act as they are. Not only is it bad for my Mom because she needs their help but I feel it changes how I see them, who I see them as and there is grief in it for the people I thought I used to know. Any advice on how to make peace and move forward?

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Apparently I need so much sleep I just wrote like English isn't my first language.....wish there was an edit function!
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Thank you all so much for your wising and caring thoughts - I want to reply more but am so exhausted and should sleep. It is true thing anger does me no good and I must deal with reality or else it will surely deal with me. Hugs to you all.
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Jeannegibbs...how did you get to be so well spoken and smart? You have the right jenesequa, so to speak. I love the way you get your point across...good job! I think that everything you said to Fairydust...was very profound.
Fairydusty good for you for being there and knowing what she needs. You will never regret that you did your very best with loving care to your mom. They will have to reep the regret consequences in the end. Instead of being angry...pray for them. Give your requests to God and let him take care of the rest. Release and let go. Find some thing else to focus your energy on. I have kept a journal to help me and let go of the frustration of this whole journey. It will be a great tool to have to see what you did for her and what they did not.
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Fairydust, it sounds like you are feeling hurt by being disillusioned. You had a certain view of relatives and now they are not behaving as you expect they would. So maybe your view was wrong or incomplete. And maybe there are other things you don't know that would help explain their behavior.

It is kind of like finding out there is no Santa, isn't it? Something you thought was true and that you were glad was true turns out not to be true (at least not in the literal sense you naively believed).

Being bitter or resentful or angry because other people aren't exactly who you believed they were is kind of a waste of energy, don't you think? It doesn't change their behavior but it takes up emotional brainpower you could be using on other things.

Maybe if these people aren't coming through for you as you expected they could still be called upon for smaller contributions. It is worth a try. Get the help you need, if not from family, from other resources. What would you do if you had no family? Figuring that out might be a better use of your energy.
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treatmenttime:
Did or have you lived with someone as their sole caregiver? As long as I was not having to live with mom and my disabled broher, I too could let things go a lot easier. Just wondering. I am living here in the middle of the war on the front line alone and yes "the words do harm" me. Don't mean to be rude or anything. I feel most of the time that I am a bad person as caregiver anyway.
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That should read were. Dang auto correct...still getting used to this ipad.
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Sorry. That was not my response.. My finger slipped.
No matter what happens you have the satisfaction knowing you we're there with and for her in the end. So you will not have regrets. But I'm sure they will..so maybe just put that little bug in their ear. But whatever they choose to do about it is totally up to them and out of your hands. So do what you can for her and you. Hopefully they will see what's important. I'll be praying for you. You are obviously a very kind and caring person. You will be blessed for what you are doing.
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A wise woman once told me: Angel, you will always have horribly difficult, mean and aggrevating people in your life and you can't change them. What you MUST change is the way you let them affect you."
I listened, I changed the way I let them affect me the very next day and WOW, what a pleasure to not let anyone control my reactions.
I recently told my MIL: "you do not have the power to bring me down to that level, you may call me when you have calmed yourself". It feels good to take the power of negativity away from others.....Good Luck and Bless You.
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Fairydust, Please know that you are not alone. Not everyone is capable of being a caregiver. That said, it is perfectly all right to be angry that nobody else is willing to help out. Do not feel guilty for being angry, but handle the anger appropriately. Blowing up at your relatives for not helping can further strain your relationships. However, they do need to know how you feel about their lack of involvement. Open lines of communication are vital to keeping resentment at bay. This is something I struggle with also because most of my family are unwilling to help with mother. Most of the time I do not ask the majority of my family for any help because I know the answer will be no (it has been over 90% of the times I have asked for help). I have learned over the last 10 years who will help and who will not. Good luck!
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Jessie thank you for your wise words. I know I need to change because this anger is very unhealthy for me. I woke up this morning with a migraine over it. I just hope I can find a way. It's not just that the actual help isn't there, but the loss of discovering those I believed in weren't who I thought they were.

Coulditbeme, you are a very brave and bold soul indeed to be caregiving in your situation with your mother apparently not appreciating what you are giving her and your siblings right there. I just don't get people sometimes. Jessiebelle is right caregivers are special people.
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Fairydust,
I do so understand your question. My brother and sister never enter the door except when they want or need something . The worst of it is that they neither one live off the "family" farm. Very close walking distance. They never ever call mom. I don't expect them to call me. I am invisible and have been for a long time.I have been so distressed with this situation and much more that it was taking a toll on my mental and physical health. ONE thing you do not want is for your health to diminish. Believe me your family members will not be there for you either.
Oh well, I am the eldest of 4. I take care of mom 74 and my disabled brother 44.
Mom, didn't beg me to stay with her. This is the part of what she said, "Since none of the kids will take care of me, I guess you are it".
JessieBelle was exactly right on her thread to you. Share your thoughts, ideas and whatever with us/me anytime.
Blessings and prayers to you.
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Fairydust, caregiving is a lonely task. As often as not, there is no support from other family members. Some are too busy, some are too important, some are just not caregivers by nature. I do find it strange that some children rarely call and even more rarely visit. We just have to accept our family member's roles in life. It would be nice if it could be different. You cannot change how your family members are acting, so the best thing is to be as content as you can be with the way things are. You can change the way you feel about it, so that it doesn't cause you anger and extra stress. Just be proud of yourself that you are where you are needed. Caregivers are special people.
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