Mom has lived with me for 2 1/2 years, and until very recently, I had not seen her bank account--my sister managed moms money. Sister recently told me she wanted out and is turning everything over to me, and for me to care for mom how I see best, and she will no longer interfere. (More to that part of the story later). That day (July 17th) was a breakthrough in an enormous struggle between caring for my mother, and my sisters remote-managing our personal lives . Or so I thought....
Sis has held moms bank account for years. I have mom in my home. Sis tried micro-managing our household through moms money, claiming I'd blow it if she didn't, so to keep the peace for moms sake, I kept quiet and let her. We cared for Mom and she had no expenses here.
Sis took thousands over time and set them in a separate account. Mom was my priority and we managed without the use of her Soc. Sec.
Sis only saw mom on occasion for driving her to doc appointments and an afternoon out. Maybe once a month, but one day they stopped at a nursing home and went in. Mom got excited that she'd have all those fun activities and people all around to talk to, so she wanted to go in! The staff told my sister it was the first time they had ever seen anyone who wanted to go to a nursing home! So I cried so much pain when I heard the news.....and kept it to myself. Mom thought she was in hog heaven! And she was relieeved she would no longer be a burden to me...(which she was not, but in her mind, she was).
She went in and I hated my sister for doing that. It was wrong Mom did not belong there.
On the 4th week in the nursing home, my sister called me, expessed how exasperated she was having to run and do things for mom. (I cannot drive, I am legally blind) and she said she was near her wits end. I told her mom never neede3d to go, she can come home any time.
Sis called again two days later--this time so upset she was crying, telling me she has had it! She just can't take the running any longer and it is stressing her so bad she was going to have a nervous breakdown! Then she said to me "I thought if I put Mom in the nursing home I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore!" God as my witness. Hubby heard too.
That did it. I told her mom ws coming home.
I went straight to the Nuring home, told the staff what just happened and started to unravel Mom from the process and get her home. It was gonna be a few days. In the meantime, my sis had applied for Medicaid for Mom, and it was still in the decision process.
Sis emailed me and told me she was turning all moms finances over to me. She was done. She brought all moms personal papaers and documents over. She had these since she paid moms bills and managed her money. She told me I could just take care of Mom as I saw fit and do whatever it took to appease her. Whew, what a relief! This was one happy household when Mom came back home and we were hopefully going to be at peace noww instead of sis butting in and meddling. (What I mean by that is if we used moms debit card for anything, we had to account for it. If she thought we were using it too much, she'd have a cow. She left Mom just a couple hundred dollars in her account each month to get her personal thigs, and she wanted to know where it was spent).
On July 24th, I saw moms account for the first time. I could see back about a year and a half, and money was being moved into sis's personal account. Sis admitted she put mom's money is a separate account (about 7,500.00 to 8,000.00), for safe keeping--in the event Mom "needed something''. But I see over 11,000.00 moved in those months. She said she wants to keep Moms money that she saved for her. She refuses to let me, moms long-time caregiver and now agent for POA, have access to it, yet wants nothing to do with our mother.
When I asked to see this money and its where-abouts, she became extremely irrate, drove over here to my home, told me there was no way in hell I was getting my hands on that money and screamed FU in my face-then punched me. All I wanted was to see it! I had never ever seen her behave like that before!!!! I was shocked. A police report was made and she is barred from this home now.
I told mom..I had to.
It is my desire to continue to provide moms care, without hindrance from another who feels compelled to set our mothers money aside for 'whatever mom needs". I too feel the same, however I see a misguided sense of 'responsibility' in this case. There are many issues that play into this (as you can imagine), and know that these things can and do run deep. (Jealousy, control issues, depression)
Also, Mom has since qualified for Medicaid. I want to tell them what is going on, that sis has stashed moms cash for 'her needs'. whatever that means.
Attorneys won't touch this with a 10 foot pole. It's stupid. It is Moms money. Not hers to keep hidden.
I have contacted Elder Affairs, have not heard anything from them yet. HELP!