jbarrows Asked February 2011

My husband has Parkinson's and Dementia and I can't leave him. How can I get the medical help I need?

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Husband has Parkinson and dementia. I need medical help and can't go anywhere without him. We live in a small town where the agencies all around have been trying to find us help. He has a bad temper which has gotten worse and refuses for leave home to go somewhere while I have a much needed proceedure done. Also have 2 small dogs which are my only peace and love I have. Can you come up with some help ideas?

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jbarrows Mar 2011
Ed,
You are right. Many of my friends have said that for years. I have known how to say "no" to anybody. The only thing I would like in my life is my music. I had a piano since I was 6 years old. I worked a separate job after retiring to buy a new one after retiring. After saving $4,000.00, I went and picked out just what I wanted. When we moved across country, he wouldn't allow me to take it. I taught and played at church. I've been afraid of confrontation since my childhood. Especially verbally.
I truly feel if I had my music, I would be stronger. It gave me total peace when I played. I have a hard time even listening to piano any longer. I guess I must be mental.
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jbarrows Mar 2011
Dear Ed,
What am awesome wake-up call. A friend called me a martyr last week and I felt insulted. That's not what I'm looking for as a "poor me", but it looks like that's what is showing. I'm talking, when I should be working at the problem. I get angry at him, then feel such pity. I need to take a better look at myself. Time to get strong and pull myself together. If he stays, I made the decision and need to deal with it. If he goes, again it is my decision and I have to deal with it. Tough to do though.
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Eddie Mar 2011
DEAR FAMILY:

It's amazing how one simple request for assistance and emotional support from a woman in despair can turn into a ping-pong discussion about faith, religion, and whether our lot as caregivers is pre-ordained from above in the form of an underlying "Stockholm Syndrome" or-self inflicted.

As I posted on my wall, the more we talk about others the more we say about ourselves. I don't like partaking of encrypted conversations, as it requires a high level of prevarication, verbal pyrotechnics, and beating around the bush when we fear the backlash after opening our mouths without checking with our brain first.

Caregiving will always require a strength other than our own. To many Christian caregivers, their faith can be a haven and source of solace in times of grief and sorrow; especially when the situation seems hopeless and the only escape is to accept, give up and give in to the fountain where all that pain and misery comes from. After a while, some individuals begin to accept their suffering as a test of their faith and their mettle, and find it quite edifying as it continuously adds a sense of purpose -- if not meaning -- to their so-called "pre-ordained" lives. Keep peeling the layers of their existence and you'll notice they just want to survive ... and still be useful to someone else.

To those seeking public recognition, a medal, or sainthood through slow suicide at the Altar of Caregiving, I have one thing to say: "Get off the Cross. ... Someone else needs the wood."

I bid you farewell now. Gotta pump up and de-stress at the local gym.

-- ED
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cmagnum Mar 2011
Jan, read the psalms. There you will see that David yelled at God and said a lot of things that we might not expect to come from someone's mouth like him. God can handle it and already knows what's on the inside, but you need to get it out. Understandably, you are depressed and that sometimes makes prayer impossible. When you can't pray out loud, try finding a psalm that expresses the emotions that you are feeling and read it as a prayer.

There's a verse in the NT which says "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power love and a sound mind" and another one which says "greater is he that is in you than he that is in the world"

It is time for a change. Denying yourself, taking up your cross and following Jesus does not mean denying the very self God made you as which is self-suicide. We are to love others as we love ourselves. Do you love yourself? It is ok to love yourself and to take care of yourself.
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Eddie Mar 2011
J:

Forgive me for being so blunt, but what's wrong with putting yourself first for a change? The way things are going, you'll die before he does. Until you accept the fact he needs to be somewhere else, don't sit around waiting for help that might never come. Try the churches; reach out to trustworthy neighbors for help while you get medical care. ... And refuse to let life pass you by. I'm sure there are goals you've always wanted to attain, but the needs of others superseded yours. Time for a change, baby. It's a brand new day.

-- ED
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jbarrows Mar 2011
Thank you Christina and all other wonderful replies. I can't go anywhere without him. I was told by the Adult Protective Services that I can nowhere without him but to the mailbox just outside my door. I have a girl coming tomorrow for two hours
to bathe him and unless he doesn't feel well, which she won't come, I will just do that. Out for a short ride and doing my favorite thing. The time of year for the Moose to start coming out, and I just love to see them. I have wanted to do that, but your words are just giving me some get-up-and-go. Thank you all. And thank the Blessed Lord for guiding me to this web-site.
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ChristinaW Mar 2011
jbarrows: you have received good advice from Lilliput and cmagnum. My take on your situation: you have been abused for way too long, you have a skewed grasp of what God intended for your life. You need to start THINKING for yourself, otherwise you will not do anything differently.
Please do not use the excuse of being a "Christian" from placing your husband where he will be taken care of and enjoying what is left of your life. Your best years.
You need to re-read what you just wrote! Get out of the house today and clear your head, and your heart.
I am sorry for whatever happened in your life to allow you to live this way. Very, very sad. I will pray for you today. christina
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jbarrows Mar 2011
You are all so wonderful. This is helping me to just get everything out. I believe that when God gives us burdens, after the storm is over, He gives us even better than we had before the storm. Sometimes I feel that I am missing the meaning of being a Christian. I yell at him, and say things that don't seem to be coming out of my own mouth. I feel that Satan has taken over. I don't even have the energy to pray.
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cmagnum Mar 2011
Jan, don't worry, you are not overdoing the conversation. Keep writing. Keep coming here and venting as much as you need too.
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jbarrows Mar 2011
It is such a wonderful feeling to share with someone who understands. When I lived in AZ, some of my friends were also in the same situation with one of the husbands with Alzheimers and another husband with M.S. It was comforting to sit together outside with a coke, etc. and let it all out because we understood each other. Since I moved to Maine, there is no one around and I'm a people person. I came here because my son got Asbestosis when in the AirForce and I want to be near him, but he hasn't got here yet. I am feeling like I'm overdoing the conversation, but it feels so good to just let go.
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