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Husband has Parkinson and dementia. I need medical help and can't go anywhere without him. We live in a small town where the agencies all around have been trying to find us help. He has a bad temper which has gotten worse and refuses for leave home to go somewhere while I have a much needed proceedure done. Also have 2 small dogs which are my only peace and love I have. Can you come up with some help ideas?

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Ed,
You are right. Many of my friends have said that for years. I have known how to say "no" to anybody. The only thing I would like in my life is my music. I had a piano since I was 6 years old. I worked a separate job after retiring to buy a new one after retiring. After saving $4,000.00, I went and picked out just what I wanted. When we moved across country, he wouldn't allow me to take it. I taught and played at church. I've been afraid of confrontation since my childhood. Especially verbally.
I truly feel if I had my music, I would be stronger. It gave me total peace when I played. I have a hard time even listening to piano any longer. I guess I must be mental.
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Dear Ed,
What am awesome wake-up call. A friend called me a martyr last week and I felt insulted. That's not what I'm looking for as a "poor me", but it looks like that's what is showing. I'm talking, when I should be working at the problem. I get angry at him, then feel such pity. I need to take a better look at myself. Time to get strong and pull myself together. If he stays, I made the decision and need to deal with it. If he goes, again it is my decision and I have to deal with it. Tough to do though.
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DEAR FAMILY:

It's amazing how one simple request for assistance and emotional support from a woman in despair can turn into a ping-pong discussion about faith, religion, and whether our lot as caregivers is pre-ordained from above in the form of an underlying "Stockholm Syndrome" or-self inflicted.

As I posted on my wall, the more we talk about others the more we say about ourselves. I don't like partaking of encrypted conversations, as it requires a high level of prevarication, verbal pyrotechnics, and beating around the bush when we fear the backlash after opening our mouths without checking with our brain first.

Caregiving will always require a strength other than our own. To many Christian caregivers, their faith can be a haven and source of solace in times of grief and sorrow; especially when the situation seems hopeless and the only escape is to accept, give up and give in to the fountain where all that pain and misery comes from. After a while, some individuals begin to accept their suffering as a test of their faith and their mettle, and find it quite edifying as it continuously adds a sense of purpose -- if not meaning -- to their so-called "pre-ordained" lives. Keep peeling the layers of their existence and you'll notice they just want to survive ... and still be useful to someone else.

To those seeking public recognition, a medal, or sainthood through slow suicide at the Altar of Caregiving, I have one thing to say: "Get off the Cross. ... Someone else needs the wood."

I bid you farewell now. Gotta pump up and de-stress at the local gym.

-- ED
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Jan, read the psalms. There you will see that David yelled at God and said a lot of things that we might not expect to come from someone's mouth like him. God can handle it and already knows what's on the inside, but you need to get it out. Understandably, you are depressed and that sometimes makes prayer impossible. When you can't pray out loud, try finding a psalm that expresses the emotions that you are feeling and read it as a prayer.

There's a verse in the NT which says "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power love and a sound mind" and another one which says "greater is he that is in you than he that is in the world"

It is time for a change. Denying yourself, taking up your cross and following Jesus does not mean denying the very self God made you as which is self-suicide. We are to love others as we love ourselves. Do you love yourself? It is ok to love yourself and to take care of yourself.
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J:

Forgive me for being so blunt, but what's wrong with putting yourself first for a change? The way things are going, you'll die before he does. Until you accept the fact he needs to be somewhere else, don't sit around waiting for help that might never come. Try the churches; reach out to trustworthy neighbors for help while you get medical care. ... And refuse to let life pass you by. I'm sure there are goals you've always wanted to attain, but the needs of others superseded yours. Time for a change, baby. It's a brand new day.

-- ED
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Thank you Christina and all other wonderful replies. I can't go anywhere without him. I was told by the Adult Protective Services that I can nowhere without him but to the mailbox just outside my door. I have a girl coming tomorrow for two hours
to bathe him and unless he doesn't feel well, which she won't come, I will just do that. Out for a short ride and doing my favorite thing. The time of year for the Moose to start coming out, and I just love to see them. I have wanted to do that, but your words are just giving me some get-up-and-go. Thank you all. And thank the Blessed Lord for guiding me to this web-site.
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jbarrows: you have received good advice from Lilliput and cmagnum. My take on your situation: you have been abused for way too long, you have a skewed grasp of what God intended for your life. You need to start THINKING for yourself, otherwise you will not do anything differently.
Please do not use the excuse of being a "Christian" from placing your husband where he will be taken care of and enjoying what is left of your life. Your best years.
You need to re-read what you just wrote! Get out of the house today and clear your head, and your heart.
I am sorry for whatever happened in your life to allow you to live this way. Very, very sad. I will pray for you today. christina
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You are all so wonderful. This is helping me to just get everything out. I believe that when God gives us burdens, after the storm is over, He gives us even better than we had before the storm. Sometimes I feel that I am missing the meaning of being a Christian. I yell at him, and say things that don't seem to be coming out of my own mouth. I feel that Satan has taken over. I don't even have the energy to pray.
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Jan, don't worry, you are not overdoing the conversation. Keep writing. Keep coming here and venting as much as you need too.
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It is such a wonderful feeling to share with someone who understands. When I lived in AZ, some of my friends were also in the same situation with one of the husbands with Alzheimers and another husband with M.S. It was comforting to sit together outside with a coke, etc. and let it all out because we understood each other. Since I moved to Maine, there is no one around and I'm a people person. I came here because my son got Asbestosis when in the AirForce and I want to be near him, but he hasn't got here yet. I am feeling like I'm overdoing the conversation, but it feels so good to just let go.
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I agree with Lill very much, but I'm going to wax a bit bolder.

Being a Christian has much to do with the solution to feeling that you can't put your husband in a nursing home despite the objective input of a social worker and a doctor. God is a God of order not of chaos and you are living in a very chaotic situation that is also full of fear and God's love casts out all fear. Ask God for his love to fill your heart in order to free you from the F.O.G., i.e. Fear of making your husband angry, Obligation to whatever, and a sense of Guilt that you will be a bad Christian for putting him in a nursing home. The man sounds like he is a danger to himself and to others which includes you. Sorry, but self induced martyrdom is suicide by degree.
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Jan: Being Christian has nothing to do with putting yourself through abuse...in fact, Christ's message was quite the opposite. I understand that your husband has issues that he can't control, but if you are his primary caregiver, his behaviors will take you down, too. Shift your thinking from spouse to care "manager." What would you suggest to a friend if she came to you and described the same circumstances? What is the best and safest environment for your husband? and for you? You really need to detach.

Btw, I just took a look at your bio on your profile page. GIRL....you've done your duty! Love yourself....protect yourself....put that guy in and NH and get on with your life!!! You have many good years if you take care of yourself. Go back to your friends. At least move from where you are now and be closer to a city where there are more services. If you need an ally, find one at the hospital (social worker, his doctor, a clergy member...etc.) "For better or worse" is a two-way street. This guy has taken you to the cleaners and now you are asking for more. You are one little human being...God does NOT expect you to be a martyr for a less than holy cause.

I do not care for the way that your doctor handled this situation, but perhaps she sees something that you cannot. Take her advice and take some time to clear your head. If he goes into an NH, do not go there everyday. Let the professionals do their job...then get yourself healthy.
Lill
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We live in a town with population of about 300. The closest town is 25 miles away. The Social Agencies looked for over 6 months for someone to come in just for a few hours a day and no one wants to travel this far. We finally found a few girls but one started yelling at me and reported me for beating my husband. I am so thankful that the hospital vouched for me that he falls often and he has a lot of old bruises from back in the past that didn't fully heal. He was in a nursing home for a while because he was addicted to oxycontin for pain. He was falling often then. We have had the Fire Department come pick him up a few times, but I don't want to keep bothering them. The ambulance came once from 25 miles away, but they are very expensive. My doctors want me to put him in a nursing home, but I'm a Christian and just can't bring myself to do it. He is a cryer and always gets to me with that. The second girl what was sent by the Agency, was in my room going through my desk when I found her. He refuses to let anyone take charge of his pills so I put them in weekly pill boxes and he was doing good, but now he is getting his pills mixed up. I called the doctor because he was really dizzy and she had me bring him to the hospital to be checked. I only found out why after being there a while. A social worker came and asked me which nursing home had I decided on. She said the doctor told her that he is dangerous and he has to go into a home. One surprise after another.
Thank you for your reply.
Jan
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Are there paid caregiver agencies in you home town? You can hire 24hr care for your husband so that you can get the care you need. Our state provides a list of private caregivers too...but you have to be more careful about hiring (checking references, etc.)
Is there family in the area? Do you have friends that can pitch in? Church members? Volunteer agencies? I would also contact your local senior citizens center for advice.
Are you close enough to a nursing home or assisted living center? Many have empty rooms that they rent on a temporary basis.
Also, call your local hospital and ask for the social worker on staff...they can be a great resource.
Please take care of yourself and do not worry about your husband's temper...those who work in the field know how to deal with it.
Call your vet for a recommendation for the doggies. Our sweet dog is precious to us too, so I know how you feel.
good luck
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