My mom is caring for my dad who has dementia at home and insists on no help. Both of their health is suffering because of this. How can I get them into a nursing home without fighting or arguing?

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Mom is 87 taking care of Dad 89 and insists on no help and living at home. Dad has dementia and is no long able to take care of himself. It is now going on 5 years with decline in both of their health. One sister lives in area 50 miles away and has helped each week but has health problems herself. Mom does not want to leave home nor have anyone come into her home to help with care other than her children.All but one live far away. Her health and my father's health are suffering because of this. How would you help get her into a nursing home or insist on more home care withoutarguing or fighting with her. It has reached a point a decision has to be made. How would you handle this? All 5 kids can help with in home care if she would let them if she wants to stay she has refused? How do we do this without giving her a heart attack?

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COMMUNITY COUNCIL OF GREATER DALLAS
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Paperwork to place your parents in a nursing home? Are they willing to go? Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for their help finding a suitable facility.
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someone help me please
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where is my answer posted
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how do you start the process. Who do you contact to help me through all the paper work. what is the first thing I need to do?
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I was in the same place you are. I live In So CA and parents in Fla. Problem was dad was being over medicated and my mother loved the quietness due to less stress of dad and he sickness. At the end of the day my dad is in a nursing home after a fall, he could come home but my mom is unable to care for him due to her problems. My sisters believe this is the best place. I disagree. I go and travel to Fla from CA three times a year seeing him in the nursing home and no one visiting him has caused him to just go into depression. Not your family may be different. Sad in a nursing home with Alz. If the patient is not at the point of not knowing there at I would tend to think if you could not care for them at home with help from the medical profession then yes that would be the place. But when they are aware it is sad state of affairs. They just want out. My prays are with you and your family. I am heading soon to Fla to try and get my dad out of this nursing home since he is not at the point I cannot take care of him. God Bless u and Good Luck.
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There is a common thread to these sorts of posts, which happen regularly on this website. No one wants to be upset themselves, or be responsible for making another upset. This moving parents out of house into another situation IS upsetting, and it might actually HELP to throw a fit to demonstrate what a big deal this is. In other words, it hurts you too, it's not something to buck up and keep stiff upper lip. Suppressing grieving, acting like it's no big deal. It IS a big deal.

My storyteller friend Laura Simms gave me a story, which I posted on her website about a new wife. Her mother came to visit her from far away, and the wife was sad and hurt. Her husband mistreats her. In that culture, the daughter was stuck in the situation, so the mother suggests to her daughter that she go into the woods and find a special tree. When she can get away, go to the tree and pour her heart out to it about all her troubles.
When the mother visited again in a few months, the daughter was more composed and stronger. They went to talk near the tree. But now the tree was dead. It had absorbed her tears.
This story was thrown out to the "healing storytellers" list for discussion, and you never saw such a bruhaha over a story. Half refused to tell the story unless birds nested in the branches and mushrooms grew from the rotted bark of the dead tree. New life blossoming from one's pain, a purpose to the pain! the other half of us wouldn't change the story one bit. It's crucial to have a solid witness to the degree of the pain you have suffered. Because of the culture, the woman's abuse was not taken seriously, as she was the property of her husband. But the tree reflected back to the woman that she really DID suffer; she survived and became stronger.

I occasionally retell this story on this forum and it doesn't get much comment. This story, and the story of the "Sun Bear" from "Women Who Run with the Wolves," are the two tales that have helped me get hold of myself and survive this caregiving gig, giving up my own life, etc. 8.25 years of it now.

I even threw a wailing fit in the ER a few months ago when I realized that Mom's condition was beyond what I could MEDICALLY care for, and 99% sure she was headed for the nursing home. Miraculously, mom came through all that and is in better shape than she's been in all year. I think Mom witnessing my fit realized I was REAL about trying, and I did everything I could...and it hurt. It wasn't a shrug off situation.
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You need to get social services involved. I did with my parents as I knew if I did not they would suffer with not being able to cope. Although we try to consider their feelings, we have to remain logical and act in their best interest. My parents only want their children to work for them, but after becoming ill myself and needing a blood transfusion, I realised that without my health I am no good to anyone. I have my own life and family, it may sound selfish but life does not always offer what we consider good choices. Therefore, we need to consider everything and everyone. I miss my Mum so much who is in a nursing home, I am emotionally distraught over this and cry daily but I know that no other choices are available as she may have dementia, cannot walk any more and I have to remind myself that I could not cope with her at home.
Another option you can consider is respite care or slowly introducing carers to cook and clean and initially being there at the same time as them and slowly allowing trust to be formed, allowing you to slowly let the carers do what they have to do. Wishing you all he best.
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Maybe this will help you too. Our situation is just reversed. My Mom got alheimers about 5 yrs ago. She is just now 73 yrs. old. My Dad and her have been married for almost 54 yrs. About 1 1/2 yrs ago I was living in FL and they in AZ. I came to live with them in Arizona. My Dad has a bad heart and has cancer. I lived with them for 6 mo. things got real bad. Caring for an alheimers parent is horrible on everyone. First we got someone to come to the house a few days a week. To cook for Dad, and take care of Mom. Then we made the choice, Dad and I just couldnt do it anymore, and Mom has been in a small home with 4 other ladies and caregivers permantley. She really doesnt talk anymore. But seems to have a routine and Dad goes over every day to see her. And I go every other day or so. It was the best and hardest choice we have ever made. I miss my MOM so much..Alheimers is a horrible disease...
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When parents are unwilling to accept the help of their offspring or others to help, then the advise that ALD565 gave is really the only choice you have.

Perhaps family members can just 'showup' for a normal visit and then without discussion, start doing 'tasks' around the house without much discussion.

OR take turns staying the parents home even overnight, to help get Mom out of the house for a few hours or even overnight. Be prepared, know what you are dealing with and knowing what to do are very important for this to work.

Talk to 'at home care specialists' to see what services they provide, and perhaps introduce a new 'FRIEND" to your parents that is really from one of these services. Once the 'service person' becomes a friend, it might be easier for them to visit your mother on a regular basis.

Do they belong to a church? Perhaps the pastor could pay them a visit and talk with them about "family helping them'.

God bless you for having family that actually wants to HELP!! Don't stop trying just change your tactics!
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