How can I get my dad to agree to move to assisted living?

Follow
Share

After extensive testing by experts, the unanimous conclusion is that my Dad should no longer live alone. He needs help with his meds, his bills, his taxes, his meals, etc. . His home is 115 miles away from mine, and I don't drive. I'm the only child. He can't drive anymore, either, and is very angry about that. He has been staying with me for 6 or 7 weeks, while getting testing. I live in a tiny mobile home and work full-time. He has been told by the geriatric psychiatrist that he should move to my town so I can help him, but he doesn't have much respect for the doctor, and disregards what he says. As soon as I can get some info about what places are available nearby that would offer what he needs and what he will need in the future, I'll have to bring up the idea of him moving into such a place, and he will just EXPLODE! He has dementia, and his temper and memory are both terrible. He isn't in such shape that he could be forced to live somewhere he doesn't want to. Ideas?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
7

Answers

Show:
That is the first sign, or was to me that something needed to be done fast, my moms hygiene started to go big time, and she was always fanatical about it! It may make him mad in the beginning, but u need to do whats safe for him, and doable for u, u dont drive, and that can become an issue with docs appointments etc...........Your first concern is his safety! never mind how he will react, u can only do what the right thing is for him, and I think that u are on the right track, geting him placed somewhere that u are comfortable with, remember when chedking these places out, keep your senses aware of smells, cleanliness, and make it a place that u would want to live yourself..............U cannot worry about what hes going to do or say right now, I did the same thing, and let mom manipulate me, bribe me, and she just had me tied around her little finger, knowing exactly what buttons to press and when, I had to learn to ignore all that, and that was HARD!!!! especially since I am a cronic approval seeker, especially from my mom! good luck and let us know whats happening!!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My 86 y.o. mother moved into AL on 4/30/10. Before this happened she would see-saw back and forth about moving. She was not so mentally incapacitated that I could force her to move. What happened was that she reached a point of having frequent panic attacks while living alone and knew that my sister and I couldn't run to her side each time it happened. (I work and my sister babysits her twin grandbabies) When she made up her mind to go to the AL, I acted on it immediately before she had a chance to change her mind. I told her that she was just going there for a 30 day trial period and that we wouldn't sell her house--that it would be there for her if she changed her mind. Well, mom did decide to make it permanent after a few weeks b/c she liked the security of knowing that a nurse or caregiver was available at the press of a button by her bed!
We picked a place that is only a few miles from my home and my job so that she sees me frequently, as well as my sister and brother, when they can make it.
Things still aren't perfect...I still get calls from her about things like her saying they won't give her Tylenol for her back ache and I have to call the nurse and find out what the true situation is....realizing that mom's memory and time perception is sometimes off.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Another reason we opted for AL was b/c we had aides come to her house several hours a week, at $18/hr and her money was disappearing and we realized we wouldn't have money for AL, which is not funded by Medicare and we wanted to avoid a Medicaid nursing home for as long as possible.
Don't feel guilty about doing whatever you need to do to care for your father b/c your health, both physical and emotional, are important and if you don't care for yourself, you definitely will be of no support to your day.
God Bless You!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hi Jen!

I had to experience this with my parent as well-but as challening as it appears, there is hope that it can work..

Since you Dad is resistant to the idea of AL--you may have to do the leg work yourself-and find a place for him. If you have both POA-it will make the tranformation easier. Not all Asssited Living facilities are created equal--so you or someone will have to see what AL's best fit his needs-If finances are something you need to consider-then you will most likely be best off in a 'not for profit' facility---as they accept government assistance. Once a place is established-go for a tour alone, and them with your dad. Explain to him - that this is just temporary- and he has the option to not remain if need be. This possibly can make things easier.

The only alternative would be for him to accept home health care...The amount of hours you would need such care would best determoned upon his condition....

This is very difficult at the onset....but as time goes on he may realize the necessity for one of the options put into place.

Best to you and to your Dad~

Hap
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Jennie ,

Given the test results, I would think the doctor would not have any trouble saying he is not competent to handle his business in a business like manner. Incompetence is not the same as totally incapacitated which seems to be what some people think it is. Are you having to write on his checks and pay his bills for him out of his bank account? Are you having to do or have someone do his taxes for him? I have the horrible discovery that my mother and step-dad had not paid their taxes since 2004.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Can he try one of the places out for a few days? Maybe by seeing first hand of how it will be will lessen his anxiety. Most asst living places have an apartment for just such a thing as a tryout/short term stay.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I do have both POAs, but he hasn't been found incompetent, yet. And I don't drive. He really just needs help with medication and meals, and someone to encourage him to take proper care of his personal hygiene.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Have his doctors told him and explained to him that it is no longer safe for him to live alone? It sounds like his dementia is such that he should not drive nor live in a tiny trailer with you given you have a full time job and you would not be able to give him the level of care 24/7 that someone in his health needs.

Would he let you have his car for you to drive and offer to drive him around?

I sure hope that you already have durable and medical POA for your dad or at least get it before a doctor declares him incompetent to conduct his business in a business like manner.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions