brammer Asked November 2010

How do I get my mother out of a nursing home?

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First of all, it would help if you told us about your mother's health; how she ended up in the nursing home; and the level of care she needs.

Second, not all nursing homes care less for their residents than a dog kennel treats dogs.

Third, in my own mother's case, her neurologist has said she would need skilled nursing care 24 hours a day. She is totally bedridden; very prone to seizures; and has had some mild heart attacks. Her long term health care insurance would not pay anything for her care at home other than home health care and home builder care. My step-dad is much older than her; is confined to his wheel chair; often falls asleep watching tv and is getting harder and harder to wake up. I'm on disability as is my wife and we have two teenage boys. There is not enough room for us to move into their house nor enough room for them to move into our house. Plus, with my childhood issues with my mother, it would be terribly unhealthy.

Fourth, is your mother asking to come home and not understand or capable of understanding why she can't? Has this made you feel fearful of being angry at you; obligated to obey mom; and fear guilty if you don't?

Fifth, who is going to care for your mother and is there enough money to provide the level of care needed?
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You don't have to go through all that red tape and getting doctor ok's to take your Mom out of the dog kennel. Actually, a dog kennel treats dogs better than a nursing home treats your loved one. I DO agree with examining if you can give your Mom the level of care she needs at home though. If not, then there are people you can hire to come in to your home and take care of things.
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Upon entry to ANY nursing home, Ahhhhh, what is that aroma that literally makes your eyes water, nose burn and makes you feel like you need to shower beFORE you get back into your car? Yes, that's right. URINE. While you see the Nurse's Aide's gossipping and giggling over in a corner, and NEVER see a Maintenance or Housekeeping person ANYWHERE in site.
Case in point- NURSING HOME FACILITIES NEED TO HIRE MORE STAFF, THEY ARE OVERWORKED, OVERLOADED AND UNDERSTAFFED! This COULD be the reason for the cases of neglect, foul odors and the interest from elders to want to be placed in one. They lose their privacy, independence, dignity (in most cases), and of course their will to try anymore. Here's an idea, Instead of raising taxes with referendum's to help school district's that claim they are in financial trouble, (caused by overspending and outlandish administrative salaries), let's get on the band wagon to help nursing home facilities with monies to raise pay scales for nursing staff, and maintenance and housekeeping staff. If there were actual rewards for choosing a career in a nursing home, there would be many more people seeking employment in these facilities and the DREADED words "nursing home" would have a much different and NEEDED ring to them.
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pkerr Nov 2010
It's tough to guide you since, as others have said, we don't have a lot of information to go on here regarding your mother, her health, and your reasons for wanting to bring her home.

We cared for my Mom (Alzheimer's) at home for many, many years. After she took a minor fall, she ended up in the hospital who transferred her to a rehab center for PT (which she couldn't do because of the advanced Alzheimer's) and they transferred her to an Alzheimer's unit of a care facility. When we told them we wanted to bring her home, we were told if we tried to they would report us to Adult Protective Services since Mom was in advanced stages of Alzheimer's and they didn't feel we could care for her at home. We immediately hired a live-in caregiver and, together with Hospice, got the house ready for Mom and brought her home. She ended up only being in the facility for a few weeks gratefully.

I tell you this since you should also find out what, if any repercussions might result if you just bring her home without letting them know. You don't need additional problems. And they may be willing to work with you to help bring her home.

As for all the pros-cons about care facilities, again, this is a VERY personal decision. Regardless of what you decide, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for your decision. I've seen some amazing, wonderful, loving facilities ~ and then there are the others. Remember: providing care for a loved one doesn't always mean that YOU have to do it. It means making sure your mother is safe, warm, well-fed, and cared for. And you also need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself ~ so that you can care for your mother regardless of where she resides. Search your heart long and hard and decide what is right for both of you.

Warm hugs ~ xo! p.
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195Austin Nov 2010
I agree -give us more info why do you want her out of there who is going to do the caregiveing if it is you and this is all new to you read post here and on grossed out going back some so you know what you are getting yourself in for-if you have never been a caregiver you have no idea how hard it is are you able to keep going with next to no sleep day after day after year after year-think this over real seriously.
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NANCE Nov 2010
I took care of my, much loved Mom for 10+years, didn't want to hear anything about nursing homes-not for her !!! Well the time did come when I just couldn't do it anymore and she was placed in a NH. Much to my surprise, she was treated great, and I will admit that I wish I would have done it sooner. I now weigh 101 lbs, was 135, she wouldn't have wanted that. She passed into heaven july 7th and I feel no guilt, I just miss her terribly. Do a lot of thinking before taking her out. My Mom had dementia.
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You tell the staff that you are bringing her home for a visit, and you never take her back. Then when they call you to ask where she is or when you are bringing her back, you tell them she isn't coming back. We are keeping her here. Make sure you call her retirement income sources IMMEDIATELY to stop her checks from going to the home.
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coach Nov 2010
It is not difficult to have someone discharged from a nursing home. Contact their Doctor and request he/she write a discharge order. If the doctor feels your loved can receive the type of support required there is no problem. If the Doctor feels the level of care required can not be received in the home than maybe you should reconsider. However, if you still feel this is the right choice, tell the facility you want to discharge your loved one AMA (aginst medical advice). Under the law the nursing home must comply. They may have to call and report this to the state as an unsafe discharge and the state will send out an investigator to assure proper care is being received. If they deem the care adiquate there is no problem.
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sumlerc Nov 2010
I agree, depending on your mom's level of health issues I would think, think and THINK again before discharging her home. My mental and physical well being almost broke the bank just running between my Dads Nursing home, my home, and to my Mom's home to see about her, take her to doc appointments, taking care of their household as Dad did before his stroke...oh, did I mention I work full time?!! If you don't like the care your mom is receiving perhaps check out another nursing home. As for us, I consider our familly to be blessed not once but twice as both of my parents now reside in nursing home care at the same nursing home, we love the staff they are very attentative, call me with concerns and updates, house keeping is always seen cleaning, the meals aren't that great but they're nutritional and filing, meds are properly dispensed, mom and dad's hygene is great and they feel safe and cared for by the entire staff. Bottom line is Mom and Dad have all their needs tended to and I have my life back, a lot to be thankful for, so please think with your head as well as your heart and best wishes to you whatever you decide.
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Flo, has mom cancer been staged?
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