GeminiSun Asked January 2010

How can I get my manipulative older brother out of my parent's house before he hurts one of them?

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My father recently had a stroke, Mom is handicapped with leg ulcer and heart problems. My 2 grown brothers, 43 and 47 still live with them in their house. The 47 year old is mentally Ill, but does most of the care giving when I am not there. The other brother is a drug addict that has never worked and manipulated my Mom all his life. Dad came home from transitional care 2 weeks ago. The brother that is the drug addict has been asked to move, hundreds of times, he recently gave Dad too much of a sleeping pill on purpose (mom doesnt think so) he also has been verbally abusive to both Mom and Dad. Mom has asked him to move and he just overlooks her. Any ideas of how I can get my brother removed from the house before he hurts either of my parents?

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lparn Feb 2010
my addict brother is preying on my elderly parents and he is manipulating them away from me and my two kids
they loved teir grand parents but now the grandparents are
even removing themselves from me and the kids on holidays
under my brothers control
He has lived with them now 8 years and now is unemployed a
year and they think he is walt disney himself
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NancyH Feb 2010
No, my post was not an answer to the awful situation, but more of a 'call to arms' if you will. An assistant pastor at the church we used to attend, was shot and killed a few years ago by his son who was high on meth. So NO, it wasn't an answer per-say, I was saying, it is something that IS really serious, and NEEDS immediate attention, before it does end up on the eleven o'clock news.
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sueismyname Feb 2010
I sympathize completely with this family. NAHeatons response is not helpful, supportive or offering guidance. My son was on drugs for a very long time and was manipulating me and stealing from me. This is a very scary situation. Until you have been in this position you do not realize what others are going thru. Those were the saddest days (years) of my life. He go off drugs 10 years ago but began drinking. Recently he got very bad and my new daughter in law (who is a physician) suggested an intervention. One of her co-workers had personal experience w/alcohol dependence and has been able to stay clean for a very long time and is repaying those in his life by leading interventions. I would like to say he was a very big help, even though it was not like Intervention on television, he gave us helpful tips, offered support by telling us we were not an awful family for living with this for so long and gave us great guidance and we were able to get my son in a state run (quite nice) facility. He totally resisted it the first night but began calling us the next day making deals (trying to) with us but he finally agreed to go. I had taken him to other rehabs when he was on drugs but he always waked away, now he has been in rehab for 2 weeks and the family and I are taking it one day at a time. My other 3 children have taken a stiff back approach and gotten me out of my home and made me promise to stay out for at least a month. This way my sons enabler and safe zone are no longer available. Good Luck, go to Alanon and it sounds like Adult Protective Services may be your best bet getting guidance.
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N1K2R3 Jan 2010
Whew. I don't have any answers to this one. First however, I would try to have someone with skills come in and talk to your brothers, individually and then together. Keep the talk going. How much "say" does your mother have? Leg ulcers and heart problems should not keep her from asking her sons to leave and find residency elsewhere.
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toadballet1 Jan 2010
Hi DanielR.: I read your post above and have a related question that I sent to your "wall." (I did not want to change the direction of the discussion.)
thanks,
Lilli
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I like ez's suggestion of putting the focus on the parents well-being, but sometimes moving out of their home and to assisted living is not what is best. My mother has lived in the same house she and my father (he has passed away) purchased 60 years ago. I was able to find out her wishes before the AD progressed to incompetence, and her wishes were to remain at home for as long as possible. She is very comfortable in familiar surroundings. It is not fair for them to move if their wish is to remain and there are other alternatives. Seek the advice of APS, an attorney and other proffessionals and do what you believe is best. Good Luck
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NancyH Jan 2010
You know, this is the kind of thing you see on the eleven o'clock news. "Drugged out son kills family... stay tuned after this commercial break".
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pjparker Jan 2010
You need to keep a close watch on him and if anything smacks of elder abuse, you can confront and call APS. Make sure that you have contacted your parents bank to make sure no shenanigans are going on. Ask them to alert you if any large amounts are withdrawn or written to your brother whom you might suspect is bordering on Elder Abuse. Be sure to spend time alone with your parents, letting them know that if they are uncomfortable with the current situation in any way to alert you. The problem is that they become dependent on him and then don't want to upset that situation. Trust your instincts and act immediately. Don't let your concerns go too long.... Geriatric Care Mgr
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ezcare Jan 2010
Carol,
I think any kind of eviction proceeding along with a restraining order are tackling the wrong side of this problem. Your mother is enabling your bad brother's behavior and is likely in denial. If she is still of sound mind (sounds like her problems are only physical) then she can legally unseat the eviction and the restraining order by refusing to sign the documents unless YOU are the owner of the home and have custodial rights for your mom and dad. The solution I recommend is to get your mom and dad out of harm's way. Can you work with your local Dept of Aging to place them in an Assisted Living facility? Since your "good" brother has his own problems he may not be a fit caregiver so this will help your case. You may be able to get him into a group home where he will be safe and functional. that will leave your "bad" brother to fend for himself in a home that he neither owns nor has any financial interest in. A good estate/elder law attorney can assist you with that part but work on getting mom, dad, and good brother placed in Assisted Living first and do not give them any clues about how you will handle "bad" brother when the time comes. Oh yes! Begin to document everything bad brother does, like messing with your dad's medication or stealing money from them. You need to make a strong case for abuse if you need to get law enforcement involved. But concentrate on getting mom and dad out first.
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195Austin Jan 2010
I agree this is one time you need APS and call your local police to ask their advice. Everyone should be on board both the parents and you and your other brother.
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