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I feel like I've been carrying the load, trying to care enough for her lack of caring for herself, but I can't do it anymore, it hurts too much. I feel so guilty. I just want her to move out of my house so I don't have to hurt anymore. She can take care of herself to some extent, but she refuses. So, then she just expects that I should do everything. I just can't do it anymore. She's on depression medication, but it doesn't seem to matter. She's agreed to move out into an apartment, so she can live the life she wants to live. I feel so guilty.

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I know where you're coming from, my own mother keeps ringing her little bell, for her kleenex, for the phone, for a "little, tiny peanut-butter sandwich"-- she eats doll-size portions, so cooking is frustrating, and of course I wash her clothes, change her bed, help her shower, all of it. She keeps saying "Oh, I need to get up and exercise!" but I'm the one who supposed to get her started. In effect, I need to be her sheepdog, to nudge and nudge her into doing things, because she can not or will not do it herself.
Unlike you, I have no option, there's nowhere for Mother to go.
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Some people are not meant to be caregivers. Forcing a person to assume resposibility for their elderly parent can potentially lead to abuse. I am one who does not believe it is an adult child's responsibilty to care for their elderly parents. That decision should be made by the individual themselves not society's ignorant opinion of what is right and wrong.
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One thing I have not seen mentioned here yet are the legalities of this type of situation. It appears to be an "unknown" as to whether jojo has POA or guardianship over her mother. If she has neither it DOES NOT matter what she wants for her mother (legally).....her mother has the right to move out, dementia or not. If mother does not agree to sign the POA then jojo will have to be appointed her guardian by a judge, then she will be able to make the correct choices for mother's care. Until then mom cannot be held a "prisoner" anywhere. Doesn't mean she doesn't still love mom, but without that little piece of paper..............................
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to: Judyc, we take care of them because we love them and that is what God wants us to do, it does not matter whether they can remember us or not it matters that you loved her and took care of her till you could no longer do it, remember love is what is important and empathy, lots of hugs
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My grandmother in her 80's was like that. The family sent her to me. First thing I did was get her enrolled into an Adult Day Care, bought her a few new outfits, got her up and on the transport bus ( because she was lazy and didn't have too get there until she got around to it IF I TOOK HER )....she was tired when she came home and slept all night ! yay!..she began looking much better and soon she was getting up and dressed on her own and out the door. Next Came Assisted Living. She really missed her place with me at the house but I did not allow her back in. The family came and took her back where they put her in a nursing home. Poor grandma. At least I have memories. She doesnt remember any of it. Makes ya wonder why we even try when they dont even remember. Sometimes we do things for ourselves and not "what needs to be done". Give the basics, Shelter, Food, and medical. That's all you can do for her. AND For yourself, take time to enjoy life before we get that age or sickness. LOL
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jo jo your answer is uncaring and yes you may not be able to change if the mother has dementia but to say wish her luck and say goodby is cruel, she can't help having a disease, how would you like to be treated that way??? this women needs help whether she wants it or not and her own apartment is not the answer, she either needs assisted living or a nursing home, you can't just throw her away, have some empathy
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Jojo, if you don't have POA, kiss mom goodbye and tell her you will visit when she gets settled and to have a good life. Don't pitch in to help her with her move, let her come to you when and if she needs your help. Of course you are going to keep an eye on her to make sure she is okay by herself.......but there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. You have done what you can.......don't allow your life and your mental health to end up in the gutter. When my "stubborn as a mule...I can take care of myself" mother-in-law got "busted" for drinking a bottle of gin a night and peeing ALL OVER her house, which by the way was mouse filled, she was moved to mother-in-law quarters so all I have to do is walk through a locked door to take care of her now. Is she still stubborn? Of course and I hear everyday how competent she is....yada, yada, yada. I just ignore her. Her dementia yells at me everyday and it is the wonderful people on this site that have helped me to see that and understand that it is an illness and there is nothing I am going to do to change it. I wish you luck in this trial and hope you can keep a sense of mental peace.
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I deal with the same situation, my mom lives with me and will for the rest of her life, she gave me life and I feel I should care for her as long as the doctors say it is possible for me to do, somedays are hard, as they age, they become arguementative and don't want to care for themselves, it's not that they don't care it is the start of dementia, old age, be patience and do the best you can to take care of her, if you don't think you can and she can not take care of herself properly then her moving into an apartment is a bad idea, how will you feel if you let her do that and something happens? Look into an assistanted living facility or nursing home or you can look into getting people like nurses aids to come into your home to give you a break, hang in there, I know it is touch, lots of hugs
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I'm sorry to say that I don't believe your mother is going to do any better living by herself. It sounds alot like my mother who really needed to be moved to an assisted living facility. She didn't want to go and still thinks that she doesn't need anyone to take care of her but does now like living in the facility and is being taken care of 24 hours a day. It is such a relief to me to see that now she is happy again.... I don't think that they realize how much help that they really need and fight it all the way. I had to just take action and do what I thought was best for my mom...She was diagnoised with Dementia so I did have power of attorney.........
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You keep saying you feel guilty. Do you mean responsible? Well, you're not responsible for anyone else's decisions. Do you mean "like I'm not succeeding at something I'm supposed to accomplish"? Well, you can't accomplish stuff that is in other people's hands, so what's wrong there isn't your "failure" to accomplish it but the sense that you're "supposed" to, even when it's not in your hands. If you really mean "guilty" then what have you done wrong? This whole episode in your life is a tailor-made opportunity to learn -- painfully, I'm sorry -- where your responsibilities leave off and other people's begins.
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Hi Jojo~It sounds to me-that your Mom has given up on herself-or she is looking for someone to be attentive to her-In either case, depending on her physical and mental status, you need to have a discussion with her (if possible), and let her know that you cannot continue, and you think it is time to check out a facility-such as assisted living. As a caregiver, I am sure that you have done your very best-and before you are totally burned out-possible change becomes necessary. Let go of that caregiver's guilt--and move forward. If there are others in your family, see if you can have a family meeting, with her present, about your Mom's care.
Best to you on your journey,
Hap
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Thank you Sylvester18. I appreciate the support and your advice. It's so frustrating....It helps to hear from others who are going thru the same things. I just found this group today and I'm still trying to figure out how to use this site, but I can see where it could be a lifesaver!!! Thank you again, your words really hit home and I needed to hear this!!!!!
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jojo,
I understand where you are coming from on this one. My Mother is the very same way, although, recently she has become almost blind, which adds more to the responsibilities. I have trouble understanding why she is so defiant, combative and hateful being in such a state as she is in, I suppose it is to let the world know she is NOT going to completely give up her independence. I try to put myself in her position, which I am a very independent person, but I cannot fathom the thought of defying a family member who would be extending their hand to help me if I needed assistance.
All I can say is, don't feel guilty about her leaving, just let her go and know things will eventually work out like they are suppose to. It is going to be impossible for you to keep a controlling eye on her after she moves out, so, you HAVE to allow what happens with this decision, just happen. You can't sit and worry about her. All you can do is let her know you will be there if she needs you.
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