Has anyone not genuinely cared the person you have to take care of?

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I'm not sure exactly how you mean it ... emotionally or physically? It is very hard to deal with, and I do believe there is a time when you must detach yourself emotionally from the pain and heartache involved in doing the right thing. However, in my situation, I cannot allow my personal heartache over my mom's deterioration, dementia, and agression to prevent me from doing my job as my mom's POA. I will continue to do whatever I can to insure that she receives the necessary medical care, that her bills are paid for, and that she has as much independence as possible. It's only going to get worse ... I need to rely on the help and support of my church, my friends, and my husband. My siblings are not supportive. My other relatives refuse to believe there is a problem at all.

If you are attempting to care for a loved one personally in your home, and are not able to for ANY reason, you need to immediately ask for someone else to step in - you do NOT want anyone to raise the issue of neglect if you are the primary caregiver. Protect yourself. Get outside, qualified help, and get it soon!
I am recently taking care of my 85 year old mother, whom I have never been close to, but have had to watch out for, for my 35 years of marriage. It is hard for me because I really don't feel the emotion of love for her.
For someone who truly don't love his/her parent, it would be very difficult to care for the parent with a caring, loving attitude. In my own case, with my father, I love him deeply but when he becomes belligerent or insulting, I have to shift into "duty" and "gratitude" mode ( gratitude to my father for all he did for me and how he loved me as I grew up).
I feel neutral almost all the time about my caregiving. It is the coping mechanism. I can't get angry anymore because it is too stressful for me and I certainly don't have any warm fuzzy feelings for my mother. So I just don't care anymore.

My mother is abusive and always has been. It would be very easy for strangers to abuse her. I don't want that. But I don't want to take care of her either. Caring for her seems like the right thing to do although I'd rather she just blew away.
FyreFly, maggiesue, anne123, tmak: This is a complicated sort of thing I guess, who's isn't I know. Well it is, I do not like my Grandfather, he does not like me, he stares at my cleavage, if I am ever so stupid as to wear a low shirt, (one time when my grandmother was still here they were over and she tied a scarf around my neck to cover my chest when he was there, I mean icku) he looks at my butt when I bend over (which I no longer do anywhere near him). I can not stand to be in a room with him for more then say ten minutes so I don't. I do what I have to test, Blood Sugar, give pills, feed him clean his glasses and then go and clean what ever mess he has made in his bed room (used to be mine) the bathroom etc. Spray some Oust and he listens to awful music in his room till I need to get him lunch pills and lunch snack. He used to watch TV now and then and when ever a scene of two people kissing came on he'd look over at me speculatively. Growing up he was one of those men who HAD to KISS you and grab at you (well the girls anyway) and yes there is abuse in my family. But to my mother he is a saint and can do no wrong, unless it involves her personally. One time I put foot lotion on his feet and he flirted with me. I avoid him now, I do what I have to say "Good Morning Grandpa." and do what is expected and keep my distance.
So you see I am caring for someone I do not care for. Going on four years now. No, I have no wish to harm him or myself for that matter but I an tired and stressed out and just pray this ends soon. He is 89, and that is far older than ANYONE in his family has ever been. My mother see's no need for respite care, and she handles all his business and medical and financial issues with absolute aboveboard competence, we are not selfish, grafting,mean or irresponsible people, but sometimes it is just too much.
I do this for my mother whom I love and want to help, so i just suck it up and as far as I am concerned there is nothing else I can do, more issues. So it is a mess. Thank you all for your comments and listening to me grouse. There really is limits to sharing things, family want, well they don't want to help or can't or just hope it goes away, friends don't really understand what it is like, and everyone has lives they are dealing with.
Ah dealing with our lives not living them, what a depressing thought. I suffer from anxiety and depression and this has been a tremendous burden truly but there is nothing I can do to change it. He either gets to a level of care we can't cope with or he dies soon or it just goes on....Really don't want to think about that one. This has been so hard, and no one wants to know. I am not paid and have no money, I can't ever get a doctors appointment because it is inconvenient to his needs and my mother is resentful if I can't do it all perfectly for her all the time. It is really unfair. If family ask how things are and I tell them of day to day issues they shut down or snap at me. Others just assume not be cognizant of the whole situation. I just want to hear from others I am not alone, and what I am experiencing isn't unusual and that I have a right to want to be treated well and to feel worn out and ripped off. Must stop grouse fest.....
I don't understand why your mother isn't the one doing the hands on care of her father. If she knows he tends to be perverted, why is she putting her daughter in harms way? I don't get that at all.
I guess you're just gonna have to treat him like a stranger and do what needs to done if your mother doesn't step in. I'm sorry you didn't get a 'normal' grandpa. Be safe and grouse all you want. I get it.
Jsomebody, yes I do sympathize with you. That is very uncomfortable, I know, when your grandfather stares at you in a way which is inappropriate. You are wise to dress modestly around him and so forth. I feel sorry for you that your relatives criticized you when you answered their questions about how things are going with your grandfather. That can be really tough.....when you get criticism from family, and what you need is support. You've got support here. It is good that you have come here to express yourself, because you need to do that. You are to be commended for helping your mother care for her father.
naheaton and anne123, thank you for your comments and support, it feels strange to not have someone snapping at me for telling the truth or even bringing things up. My mom works so it is really financial I guess that I have to be the on call person, I'd be here any way (stupid bad life) she handles bath9ing issues, when she can and has to. He will fight it but like I posted she writes in oi the calendar when he has had a bath, but she is 62 and tired from working all day and well just tired of all this too, though she is not likely to admit it. She sorts his pills makes appointments is the one who drives...I must admit on occasion it seems funny to me for as much as she loves her father she really does not want to have to deal with him any more than I do. In the store she will always take the cart, even if i have the list she will get mad I I hand him off to her for even a moment...? Go figure. On two occasions she actually pushed/shoved me toward him to make sure I went and did what ever, helped him with his socks, got him to the mens room. That has been awhile. I think it is dawning on her how little care there is behind my care and that she can't push me too far. One day I just left her at the store and went to town. watched other people in the park having fun felt like an alien and went home to dishes and old man pee clean up as usual. When my aunt came to give us a break it involved well almost the same routines but at least I didn't have to see him for hours and hours, all I hope for now.
I have no idea, I have had enough therapy in my past to wonder if there is something in her relationship she is hiding or if she just loves him can't stand to see him fail and needs at least her father to be on her side so too speak after the truly abysmal relationship she had with her m9other who thankfully went pretty quick (uterine cancer).
I think I have had kind of a bum life and try to stay even and remind myself I am not a five year old Cambodian child prostitute, or a batter wife, or ill with some painful disease. But if I have to see one more TV ad for a Reality Show about spoiled trampy rich twenty somethings living the life of Riley....Well, I don't watch em. Any one else watch Law and Order re-runs and Royal Pains? That's about it for me and TV.
I have pen pal who is 75 and a doctor of hers said she was a hero for all the stuff she has to go through in her life and yet she still gets up and gets through her day no matter how stressful or complex. I don't feel like a hero, I feel like a failure in life total...........
Wow, Jsomebody! Oh, boy. Can I ask how old you are? Can you get yourself out of this situation? Can you get a job outside the home, go to school, to work elsewhere? Can you move out? I understand that you love your mom, and want to help her ... but honestly, this isn't helping if it hurts you!

Be safe ... take care of yourself. You are important, and no one has the right to belittle you, intimidate you, or even make you feel the way he does! Definitely come grouse all you want - be candid in your experiences ... we do understand, and we are here to support you! You aren't responsible for your Grandfather's care - you need to make that clear to your mom, and then do what ever you need to in order to gain your independence. Be careful, too. You might find that it helps to document everything in your own journal. If this ever becomes an issue, you might then have proof of your allegations, and it may help to get him the help he needs.
-FyreFly
I have to agree with FyreFly, that if you can get out of this situation, it would be so much the better for you. It sounds like your mother is also very stretched and stressed out, and she ends up taking you for granted perhaps, or taking it out on you. She sounds like a good, decent person who is stretched to the max. Try to talk this all out with your mother, sincerely and with love, so that you both can figure out how to best mange the situation. Life can be tough. That's something you're learning far earlier in life than I ever did . If your mother is 62, you are a young person. In order to take care of yourself, try to "nurture" yourself by doing anything that gives you joy or peace----even reading a special book at bedtime before you turn the light off and go to sleep. or praying. But you know yourself and what would be helpful to your spirit. I've seen on this forum where the experts will weigh in and say to check your state's website online for aging services which might be able to help you, at little ( or no) cost.

If I were you, I wouldn't share much if anything with your relatives about your grandfather which is of a negative nature. It sounds like you aren't going to get the sympathy you sorely need. These relatives don't mean to be mean, I'm convinced.... they just don't "get it" because they aren't the ones on the front lines. Hopefully, it will strengthen your spirit to know that people on this board care about you and realize the good, sacrificial things you are doing. But do try to take care of yourself and see if you can somehow carve out a life for yourself.

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