How do you cope with the frustration of an inconsiderate grandfather?


I've been helping my grandpa since 2005 when he had a heart attack and quadruple bypass. I just wrote in another forum about his behavior and how I'm getting frustrated with things that sound stupid, like him drinking our milk after guzzling his. I am angry all of the time. I don't have any patience anymore. The slightest of things piss me off and I am never relaxed. Sometimes I cry. I don't even remember what it feels like to feel happy or to just chill anymore. I have a four year old, my husband is only home on the weekends, and I have to listen to my grandpa constantly insult me, my child and my husband (he does NOT like my husband...and it's because my husband is Latino), and then my husband complains about my grandpa. I don't know what to do anymore. My grandpa refuses to go to the doctor and hasn't been on his medications for over a year because of it. I'm the one who has to find him and I'm not sure I can handle that. I just wish I had some help or something.

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There are better nursing homes. Your first obligation is to your CHILD!
Helpful Answer (2)

FYI, I have heard about the horror stories of NH here. But I have also read some very good and positive ones - NH , assisted Living, etc... You just have to do research, research and more research. Just because a loved one is put into these caregiving places does NOT mean you stop visiting your grandfather. If you're an attentive visiting relative, the institution will know that you are looking out for your parent and most likely (hopefully?) will be more attentive to your grandfather. But, I would recommend researching, checking what other people say about that place. Truly, Not all are bad. It's just that all the good ones would have a long waiting list. Set a Goal - make it simple - and then work at it. HUGS!!! book
Helpful Answer (3)

Hi Shatzi, I take care of my 2 bedridden parents. Mom has Alzheimer. I've been helping father take care of mom when I was 23 yrs old. That was 23 years ago. I Have No Life! Fortunately, father took the bulk of main caregiving. So, I was able to get a full-time job and travel (my fondest wish at age 19) to London, Hong Kong, Australia, Indonesia, Korea, etc. Mom was angry. She was wandering off a lot. She was violent and physically attacked us. She didn't want to shower. Each year she got worse and worse. It got to the point that I could no longer travel cuz one person could no longer handle her. I have 7 siblings. No help from them. Just father and I...until father had a stroke last year and is now bedridden and is quickly going down the senile route. I thought at the time of his stroke that my siblings will step up and help me to physically care for 2 bedridden parents and maintain my fulltime job. NOT!!! I told them straight out - if I have to choose between quitting my job to care for parents vs. caring for parents 100%.. I will pack up my bags and move out. It seems heartless in written words. ...

But think about it - I have spent 23 years caregiving without help from my 7 siblings. And I'm still doing it. Am I being selfish now that I have decided that it's time to live my own life? So what that I'm not married and have no children. Hello?! I was too busy enjoying my full time job, travelling and caring for parent. Just because I'm single does not Automatically Volunteer me to be the parents caregiver!

I read your thread this morning, and I feel so much for you. I understand the loyalty you feel towards your grandfather (just as I did with mom - even though we grew up from a Very Dysfunctional Childhood - no memory of it at all...) But, Shatzi - you are Married with a 4 yr old child. Your grandfather is NOT going to get better. Actually if you think his behavior/caring for him is difficult now, he is just going to be getting Worse as the years go by.

May I recommend a thread started by a woman named Lisa, who invited her mom into her home? Her mom became abusive and quite disrespectful to her. She even told her daughter that Lisa cannot kick her out of the house. It was a difficult struggle. I would like for you to read it because Several Posters gave Lisa some very Great Advice! Please read it:

Two Years this July my mother has been living with me:

It's a very long thread- but I have found a way to read it and you can stop til the next day and NOT keep hitting the "NEXT" button over and over until you reach page 400-410. When you read and decide to stop reading at 201-210 page. You see the top of the page "http/www..."? ... Copy and paste this to your Word File that you have on your computer's desktop.... Then save this file.... When you come back, just open your Saved File on Desktop, click and copy...then log in here and paste it. Tada! You can start reading exactly on page 201-210.

Hope this helps!!!
Helpful Answer (2)

Hello Schatzi,
I understand your last post and I do not totally disagree with you, that this does happen in some situations. Nursing home is not the only option. There is adult foster care, assisted living and others. There is a large senior center in the middle of your town. I know that for a fact. I would recommend calling them and asking for suggestions, ones that you are able to live with. (other than nursing home)
The fact that you can not get him to the doctor, is my biggest concern. I have sent you a note personally and have expressed why. If his disease is not treated appropriately, the care giving will become harder and harder. If you choose to accept his verbal abuse, that is up to you. But I know that at some point you will probably regret, not having made a different decision. There are things worse than death and one of those is the results of a disease not being treated properly. His disease can be controlled, not necessarily cured. And if he is not getting the appropriate medication, there will be many more difficult medical issues ahead. Like I said, this is also adding to his behaviors. Look up his disease and study up on it some more and perhaps you will understand what I am referring to. I wish you all the best. I will not continue to prod and try to give you direction. You came on the site asking for help, and we attempted to give you some ideas and suggestions. In no way did we want you to feel threatened. We were outsiders looking in with only part of the information. As I see it you will have to choose your immediate family or your grandfather. If grandfather was willing to go to the dr., then perhaps you could have it both ways.Blessings
Helpful Answer (2)

Dear Shatzi869,
I still agree with all the women/men who posted above, but I also understand your love and concern about abusive NHs. A good one is almost rare and hard to find. Did you report the one your Mom was in to your State Dept of Health or any other organizations? You should. Take pictures/videos. Is your Dad at death's door yet 6 months to a year? My Mom is in hospice and the staff is soooo very loving to her and she is so well taken care of 24/7. Mom loves all the staff there and they are top of the line, loving, compassionate, caring, etc--far better than any NH in the world. If Grandad is not, please, please try to find a good NH, even if its far away. You will do him much more good if you let good and caring professionals take 24/7 care of him and you can still visit him. You need to save your family first, or hire outside CG to take care of him so that you can concentrate all of your love first to your child and husband. But please let someone else take care of Grandad. Please let all of us know what you've decided and what you're going to do. Please save your sanity, your husband and your child = YOUR LIVES!!
Helpful Answer (2)

Glad to hear from you!
I understand your concerns of a NH so lets look at what we can be done instead.
Your grandfather will continue to be a bully, abusive, etc.. until you say STOP- AND back it up with him going to a NH. (He probably already knows he can get away w/ everything, that you won't do anything about it and that you won't send him to a NH.)
Have a sit down talk with him. Make house and behavior rules. (Like when a parent threatens a child w/ a spanking (when I was a kid), the kid knew the parent could/ would carry it out so they behaved. Post the rules on the wall if necessary?

Tell your grandfather:
He has to go to the dr.
He has to take his meds.
He is not allowed to eat your food.
He must be respectful to you, your husband and child and the house.
Otherwise the consequence is he goes in a NH. If he does not do as you ask then HE will be the one on the receiving end at a (possibly not ideal) NH! He can either play nice or else....(That didn't come out as I want but you get the idea.)

Are you going to sacrifice the well being of your marriage, husband, child, yourself for your grandfather?
If you do not like being abused- DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT- or it will continue!
Again, we are here to support you.
Not all NH are the way you say, yes, a lot are but there are some really good one's out there.
Good luck! Again, keep us posted! You can make these tough decisions~
Helpful Answer (2)

The reason I am not going to put him in a nursing home is that I have both worked and volunteered in a couple and my mother has been in one. I have seen the elderly trying to feed themselves, not being able to get the food to their mouths because of their lack of coordination and strength, and the cna's that are supposed to be helping them chit-chatting instead. I have seen them being treated improperly and without compassion, drugged up, ignored, etc. My dad got my mother out of one within days of her being there because of the way she was treated. They wouldn't even let her call my dad. No thank you.
Helpful Answer (1)

martyr - One who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle.
It is you, your husband and child who are sacrificing for a principle that comes with guilt.
Your grandfather the cause with his stubborness, bigotry and ungratefulness
Solution-medicaid and NH placement
Results-a happy harmoneous life with your husband and child
Helpful Answer (2)

Hello Schatzi!
I sincerely echo 1genintherough- we are here to support, encourage, and gently prod you to do what is necessary to take care of yourself, your child, your husband AND grandfather, as well as tell you things that may come across as harsh (but meant in a loving way) to you.
I too have been looking for your posts because I care. Let us know how you are doing, okay?
The more details and facts we have, the more we can help (not meant to be nosy, just helpful).
I did have a question for you-Does the house belong to your grandfather?
Just wanted you to know we care for you and are thinking of you!
Hang in there Schatzi!
Helpful Answer (1)

Hello there Schatzi , Have not heard from you in three days and hope that you do not feel like we were "dumping" on you. That was not our intention. We are concerned for all of your well being. Hope that since we have not heard from you, that you are working on getting some help.I know it is not easy to make these hard decisions. We are all here to support you. I hope you know that. With all the issues that you described your mom having, I am sure you have had your fair share of difficulties. REMEMBER, WE ARE ALL HERE TO SUPPORT YOU. Blessings once again.
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