How do you cope with the frustration of an inconsiderate grandfather?

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I've been helping my grandpa since 2005 when he had a heart attack and quadruple bypass. I just wrote in another forum about his behavior and how I'm getting frustrated with things that sound stupid, like him drinking our milk after guzzling his. I am angry all of the time. I don't have any patience anymore. The slightest of things piss me off and I am never relaxed. Sometimes I cry. I don't even remember what it feels like to feel happy or to just chill anymore. I have a four year old, my husband is only home on the weekends, and I have to listen to my grandpa constantly insult me, my child and my husband (he does NOT like my husband...and it's because my husband is Latino), and then my husband complains about my grandpa. I don't know what to do anymore. My grandpa refuses to go to the doctor and hasn't been on his medications for over a year because of it. I'm the one who has to find him and I'm not sure I can handle that. I just wish I had some help or something.

Answers 1 to 10 of 16
Hi there! Your post caught my attention, because of schatzi!
Sounds like you need to look into other care arrangements for him!
You have to be able to care for your child, in my opinion FIRST and foremost!
And it does not sound like you are able to do that well, in this situation.
You do not want to let yourself get to the point where you may do something that you will regret later. I believe that can happen to anyone, given the correct set of circumstances!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call a help line, contact social services, elder care or the like in your town.
This does not sound like a healthy situation for you, much less for your 4 year old.
Yes, we all need to help each other, but if you are in a situation where you are not functioning well, you need to get out from under the load. Sometimes there are places where you can take loved ones to give you some respite, for a short period of time. Then perhaps, you can with a logical head, proceed to make the best arrangements FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED! Remember, I did not say it would be the best for everyone, BUT everyone involved. Some times we have to pick out the better of 2 bad situations. Not a good or bad one.
My biggest concern is you and the 4 year old in the home. In my opinion the child needs to come first! And if you are so distressed with the care of grandpa, how can you possibly be giving your 4 yr. old the care he/she needs. It sounds like you are having major issues coping, at present.
Do not give up, but DO something to change the situation! Let us know from time to time, how your situation is progressing.
Blessings
I totally agree with 1gemintherough. I mean, its been 7 years already and its about time to burst! Your child and husband comes first.
Do you have any other siblings or relatives that can help out? Is your grandpa on your side or your husbands side? Grandaddy must have other grandchildren to help you out. I understand. Even now, with Dad passing and Mom in hospice, I don't remember what it feels like to be happy or even have a good time any longer. I have forgotten its been so long.
If Grandadddy is such a problem and won't take his meds, can you speak to his doctors about it, also about AL or NH?? I mean, this is all too much for you and your mental and physical health will decline faster than Grandaddy's will if you try to keep this up. Then what will happen to your 4 yr old and your husband?
My mother is my grandpa's only child, and she hasn't visited in years. I see her a lot, but she doesn't leave her house. She has paranoid schizophrenia though, and although she is pretty normal while medicated she uses it as an excuse not to go anywhere. My youngest sister moved to California and my other sister only helps when she feels like it...which tends to be when she's getting something out of it. I won't put him in a home (and if I did he would never forgive me or speak to me again) and he won't go to any of the senior citizen activities in our town. He says he's being controlled but he is free to do as he pleases and chooses to act the way he is. I've thought about getting a visiting nurse-type of thing a couple days a week but we really can't afford it. I just wish I could get him to care again.
Top Answer
Please rethink " I won't put him in a home"! Absolutes in my opinion are usually dangerous! Him not forgiving you or not speaking to you, is NOT YOUR PROBLEM, IT IS HIS! Why will you not do that? Is it the guilt?
If he is in a reputable "home", and his needs are taken care of, that frees you up to take care of your 4 yr. old and your other family, and leaves you free to visit him and have a somewhat "happy" time with him. You can have a happy visit, even if he chooses not to.
"Wishing you could get him to care" will not happen, unless YOU take action.
I know that I am probably coming across as being very harsh, but it is the reality of the situation, as I see it.
Last but not least, he is not getting appropriate care for his disease. And that will definitely escalate his behaviors.
I am certain you are doing what you feel you can. But sometimes we have to leave our comfort zones, to actually make progress. Please do not take my words as an insult, but rather as a call to action, for all of your best interest.
Blessings
HI Shatzi869!
I agree with the others. I do know, thinking of the Michael Jackson song, The man in the mirror- you can ONLY change you. It is great that you are honoring your grandfather, but you, my dear are a mother to a very precious 4 yr old AND you are a wife. Your grandfather is being selfish. Your first obligation is to your husband and child. If your child could verbally describe you as mom, what would they say? That you are loving, happy, the best mom in the world- or would your child say you are unhappy, depressed, stressed and grumpy? (Hey, I've been a single mom for 11 yrs w/ no support- I GET it!)
You do your best by your grandfather- you have done this for SEVEN years, it has not been easy.
If you place him in a facility, AL, NH, whatever- he may not like it, but you have to stand up for yourself, noone else will! It is his choice whether he speaks to you afterwards. He can interact and have a relationship with you (being more rested, happy and in a better frame of mind) or he can not see you, sit there with his arms crossed, chin out and pout! How childish! HIS choice.
You have to do this for yourself, your child and husband. Be strong my dear- you have it in you. Let us know what you do and decide. You have others here to support you, encourage and HUG you!
You would not being writing in this forum if you were not at wits end. You can do it! Be strong, stay strong, you are stronger than you know! Keep us posted!
Your grandfather is bigoted against Latinos and your husband is Latino. Your husband (understandably) complains about your grandfather. Grandfather insults you daily.

What on earth are you subjecting your young child to? Is this a healthy atmosphere to raise a child in? Is this situation fair to your husband? No and NO!!

Nobody can be all things to all people. It is time (past time, really) for you to figure out what the priorities of your relationships are. Currently you are putting Grandfather first. If you continue to do that, you will continue to be in the situation you are in. Your child will suffer. Your marriage will suffer. And you will not be able to remember the last time you were happy.

If you want a change, you are the one who has to make it. IF you really want a change, start by calling Social Services in your county and ask for an intake assessment for Grandfather. Explain that you are no longer able to have him live with you. Find out what options are available to him.

I'm sure you love Grandfather. You will not abandon him. When he lives somewhere else you will visit him and advocate for him and be a loving granddaughter.

If you don't want to make changes, well, that is your choice. Just realize that your choices have a big impact on your child and husband and on your own health.

Does this sound harsh? My dear young woman, you are in a very harsh situation. Sugar-coating it won't help you cope.
Hello there Schatzi , Have not heard from you in three days and hope that you do not feel like we were "dumping" on you. That was not our intention. We are concerned for all of your well being. Hope that since we have not heard from you, that you are working on getting some help.I know it is not easy to make these hard decisions. We are all here to support you. I hope you know that. With all the issues that you described your mom having, I am sure you have had your fair share of difficulties. REMEMBER, WE ARE ALL HERE TO SUPPORT YOU. Blessings once again.
Hello Schatzi!
I sincerely echo 1genintherough- we are here to support, encourage, and gently prod you to do what is necessary to take care of yourself, your child, your husband AND grandfather, as well as tell you things that may come across as harsh (but meant in a loving way) to you.
I too have been looking for your posts because I care. Let us know how you are doing, okay?
The more details and facts we have, the more we can help (not meant to be nosy, just helpful).
I did have a question for you-Does the house belong to your grandfather?
Just wanted you to know we care for you and are thinking of you!
Hang in there Schatzi!
martyr - One who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle.
It is you, your husband and child who are sacrificing for a principle that comes with guilt.
Your grandfather the cause with his stubborness, bigotry and ungratefulness
Solution-medicaid and NH placement
Results-a happy harmoneous life with your husband and child
The reason I am not going to put him in a nursing home is that I have both worked and volunteered in a couple and my mother has been in one. I have seen the elderly trying to feed themselves, not being able to get the food to their mouths because of their lack of coordination and strength, and the cna's that are supposed to be helping them chit-chatting instead. I have seen them being treated improperly and without compassion, drugged up, ignored, etc. My dad got my mother out of one within days of her being there because of the way she was treated. They wouldn't even let her call my dad. No thank you.

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