My mother-in-law is being forced upon me. No one in the family wants to deal with her because of her bad behavior. She is too much to handle. What can I do?

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My mother in law is being forced upon me. My situation is this; no one in the family wants to deal with her first because she has violent tendancies, stubborn and always trying impose her will no matter what. She cries, screams and carries on like some one is doing something to her constantly. I have discussed this situation with my husband and to no avail. This has been an ongoing situation and getting worse. I can't not and will not take care of her due to my medical conditions. She has a person coming to take care of her from 7:00 to 3:00 but after she leaves I have to deal with her. She has dementia and has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and when my husband comes home from work he is too tired to deal with her. He justs falls asleep and when she starts acting up he ignores her. My mother in law is too much to handle she needs to be in a Nursing Home ASAP. What can I do?

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Some husbands and for that matter some wives fail to honor their marriage while trying to honor an elderly parent,usually a mom, but honoring one's marriage really takes precedence over honoring one's parents for one doesn't leave and cleave until one's parent gets in trouble and then cleave to them till both they and the spouse depart with usually, the spouse parting ways first.

Some men, are sad to say, more emotionally married to mom than they are to their wife. There is a book written on that subject for wives trying to win their husband's heart back from his mom's. I've never seen a book specifically written for husbands dealing with the same thing, but there are books on such emotional enmeshment that indirectly deal with it although, I would say it bears a book written for that issue as well.

Neither wives nor husbands are not slaves and I've seen both given my experience of marrying into the dysfunctional family that I married into. My FIL died a slave and my MIL wants the lives of her daughters as well. I'm sorry he's dead, but he's at least got peace and freedom now.

Save your life and let your husband deal with his mom, for she's his mom not yours. If he's more married to her than you, you never had anything to begin with and nothing to loose. It's no fun when the other woman is his mom! I"m sorry that you're having to deal with this.
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I totally agree. Pack your bags. Go on a much needed hiatus. Dont come back until there is a working plan in place. Husband's mom. Husband's problem. Not going all religous here, but here is what really put things in prospective for me. From proverbs, "A good wife is more precious than pearls. Do not cast pearls before swine." If you can get a man to cook and clean up after just himself that would be a great feat. So why exactly would he take care of his sick mom. Bet he doesn't take care of you very often either when you are sick. Old school. New school. Pre school. Get over it. You are his wife not his slave. Wish somebody would have pointed that out to me many years ago. Your husband and company will continue to use you as their slave. Not in your job description. Respect yourself. Say NO now. This is straight up abuse. This will break you and when you are broken they will step on you not over you on their way to find a new victim. His relatives are doing a nasty little felonous activity called "gaslighting". Contact your local battered women's shelter for resources for trauma therapy. They should also have contacts for legal services. Better you end up divorced than dead on arrival at the hospital like I did. Read the caregiver's bill of rights. Oh yeah, my husband and family moved on and never looked back. They were actually mad that I survived. This is not your job. No amount if anything is worth it. Wives are people too. This will only get worse and you really don't want to go there. Set healthy boundaries. It is your life. Take it back. It belongs to you. You married your husband. You are not his property. Rather pack his stuff and his momma's and let the aide drop MIL and bags off at husband's place of employment. Then step forward and help other wives than have been forced into human bondage. Violation of basic human rights. Wives not slaves.
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I agree with you "Give a Hug", If I had a crystal ball back in 2003, I would have never invited my parents to move up here, so we could "help them out" some. It has been herrendous. Since I live very close, the rest of my family does nothing, but show up for holidays that I do all the work for. My father passed away 2 years ago, but was not the difficult one - alot of work, but not really as draining as my mother has been. She has had a myriad of problem, hospitalizations, dr appt., test, etc. I have had to deal with all of this. She is now in assisted living, and I have them take her to some of the appts. cuz frankly I am living in a state of burnout. I feel very sad at times when I see my friends living normal lives. I feel like I need to enjoy life more, but it is a real effort. My husband works many hours and is very tired on weekends. He used to be a great support, but it is too much for him, too. I have to take care of all of her financial needs, her every need, really.
The facility gives her meals and is there for her and I am so grateful for that. But it is still a struggle for me. I fight guilt that I am not there enough and don't do enough, but on the other hand I barely have the energy. It is not easy, for sure. I was tempted to grab my credit card and passport once and head to a tropical island and not tell anyone till I was there. And then say OK now who will deal with all this? These have been the most difficult years of my life. Thank you for listening. I feel selfish at times, but I am just being honest.
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Dear Mymini2006,
OhSoTired is providing accurate, proactive information along with a how to. They obviously have serious experience in this matter. I was lucky enough that the 'caregivers' called Adult Protective services and 911 so I didn't have to. If the roles were reversed I'd do exactly what OhSoTired suggests. God bless you with a positive outcome.
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What would your husband do if he wasn't married to such a wonderful woman? What is he was still single? I bet his mom wouldn't be living with him then. Whatever that solution would be, he should investigate that.

Hang in there! You've received a lot of good advice.
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Do you have children living in your home the same home with the violent MIL??? My thoughts are that is not appropriate. If she has violent tendencies and depression it sounds to me that she is also very unstable. I would strongly encourage you to place in an appropriate facility. Unless you have had training to deal with her mental health issues, I would say you are in over your head. You are not dealing with a simple situation I am aware of that however. You need to protect yourself and your children. Children should not be afraid to be at home. Take care
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You would be doing both yourself and her a dis-service to create this disharmony in your home. When an elder has an episode of "Altered Mental Status" this is cause for concern and MAY (hint) require a trip to the ER. Say on a Friday at 12:01pm (right after the MDs office closes for the weekend) So having her well checked out, a urine culture run ( the A#1 cause of elderly women suddenly acting whacky is a UTI) it becomes busy in the ER and dear doctor might need to be encouraged to admit her as you are at a loss how to manage her (boo hoo may help here). Of course it's the weekend, so insist she stay in 3 midnights (fri,sat,sun nights) during which time the staff can document her behavior. The hospital has a legal responsibility to provide discharge planning. You must be clear to the Social Worker that you do not want or feel capable of providing her care! What do ya know! After a hospital stay of 3 midnights, Medicare will provide for 21 days of rehab in a nursing home at 100% paid, then another 79 days at 80% as long as she's able to make progress and participate. If she has no means to pay for the other 20% or inpatient care after the first 100 days, start the process for getting Medicaid through the hospital Social Worker (It gets expidited handling that way) If the Nursing home can't rehab her, they may have a "Memory Lane", or they must provide appropriate discharge planning. Even if she can behave in the hospital, having received all this personalized attention, her true colors are sure to show in the 100 days of rehab. Don't sign anything promising to pay! Wait out Medicaid. Even if she has $ coming in she can be put on a Medicaid "spend-down" which picks up where her income lets off, but only leaves her $30 or so a month to buy personal items. Good Luck!
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Thanks for the clarification. If she ever does say or do or threaten to do something that makes her a threat to herself and or to others, please remember to diall 911.
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To elaborate on my MIL violent tendencies, she has pushed, hit and pulled her other sister's hair on many occasions when she doesn't get her way. As for her son she has been very close to hitting him but now since shes seems to be "stuck" in our home she hasn't attempted it again. Thank goodness she has not ever tried to strike at me or my children.
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Culture, tradition, religion etc.I can respect but, I would draw the line at a person having "violent tendencies." If it is his Hispanic tradition to take care of his mom, then tell him when he gets home from work and over the weekends, he is to live up to his tradition by taking care of you while you take a break!
Also, just how have her violent tendencies been demonstrated?
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