How do I find a balance between being resented and not doing enough for my in-laws and making my husband feel guilty?


A year ago, this April my in-laws came to live with us (my husband, almost 3 year old son and not born yet daughter - she turned one on May 29th). They both have multiple medical problems. His worse then hers. Everything was fine at first but now I am either resented by both for being to in their business or I am told I'm not doing enough. He wants no help and won't help himself and she inables him, while she wants me to do everything for her. I just don't know what to do and I can't stand to see how hard it is on my husband that his Dad is being contrary just to be so and Mom is okay with it while expecting us to take care of it without her or his feeling guilty because I'm the one at home taking care of his parents and our children. I have tried telling him that its okay and that I love them so, their really our parents.

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You sound like an angel. Your husband must feel miserable to see you treated so poorly. His parents likely hate feeling dependent. Is there dementia in the picture. Some of this treatment may stem from dementia.

The father is trying to stand up for his wife, as he sees his duty. It's all very complicated - as you know only too well. Having parents live with you very often a smooth process. If you haven't read this article, you may want to. (Living with elderly parents)
Good luck,
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Thank you, very much. I will read the article right away. I feel terrible about complaining because 75-80% of the time they're wonderful and great with the kids. Both my kids love having them with us as do my husband and I. I just get a little lost on the bad days.

There doesn't seem to be any dementia at this time but they both are forgetting more all the time. You have hit the nail on the head about my father-in-law. It has been complicated but worth it. My Mother-in-law seems to need a break from caring for him and I don't think he sees it that way. She tries to care for him but doesn't want to push at all because he is a very proud and stoic. Which means he doesn't say anything about what's going on until it mean a hospital visit. We have been to the hospital with him for chest pain, near falls and trouble breathing 5 time since he moved in because he won't say anything. I think we are getting there I just wanted to see if there was a balance I was missing or if this is just something we are going to deal with at times because of the personality mix. I think my too eager to help personality is part of the problem so I have backed off some to see if it will help while helping my Mother-in-law more when my Father-in-law is in their living space (they have their own living space, bedroom and bathroom so they can get away when they want).

Thank you again! This site has really been a blessing on the hard days.
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Oh, and the only angels in our home are 4 and under but thank you.
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