I am having a hard time figuring out if this is just behavior or the Alzheimer's I care for my father-in-law. Is it just me or the Alzheimer's?

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ok I am having a hard time figuring out if this is just behavior or the alzheimer's I care for my FNL and he is ugly only to me, I feel like I am being petty over little things like doing dishes for example I cook,clean, do laundry for every in my home as I should there my family but then comes along the FNL and when I am done he will cut he finger nails in my living room or his room not over the trash. He puts his dishes in the sink and just leaves them or will just set his laundry basket in the laundry room and doesn't say anything to me, like he expects me to do it all. I have talked to my husband about everything that goes on, My husband does talk to his dad and he is good with him, but if I was to talk with him (which I try not to only as needed) he gets ugly. Then there's times where when my husband is home and I am washing the last dish he will ask can I help with any thing?? I think he does that just because my husband is there, I am getting more bitter as the days go on and my husband and I are at each others throats now and we hardly ever argue. I feel like I am coming apart at the seams.

Answers 1 to 4 of 4
What are you really mad about, the fact that your father-in-law is being a brat, or the fact that your husband's not actually SEEING the behavior? I think you need to figure out which thing is bothering you the worse, first. Two different things, two different solutions?
Given your father-in-law's generation, he probably never washed his own dishes or did his own laundry, at least when there is a woman in the house. He is used to being waited on. And now he has Alzhiemer's. It is very hard for someone with dementia to learn new behaviors. You feel that you should cook and clean etc for the others in the house because they are family and your responsibility. You agreed (did you?) to your husband's father moving in and yet you apparently don't consider him family. No doubt he senses that. I think you must have some resentments that go beyond washing an extra plate and cup. That is understandable -- your world has been disrupted. Nobody is "wrong" here, but you will all be less stressed in the years ahead if you work this out now. Perhaps some family counselling will help.
Top Answer
It is truly difficult having someone in your home who is not treating you properly. And frustrating as you feel taken for granted and sounds like your husband isn't around enough to witness the bad behavior, or as you said, your FIL acts differently in front of your husband. From my experience when I was caring for my MIL with alzheimers, she would be fine with me; but not to my husband (her son, no less) and not always kind to our children. Yes, it can be difficult to figure out if it is the personality or alzheimers; but mostly I think it is a mix of the two. Not easy to live with, I know.

It can come between people as the entire dynamic in your house has changed. Do hope you are able to get breaks; it makes such a difference. Take care.


Yes my fnl doesn't do anything for his self but I had no idea until he moved in because he lived on his own and took care of his self for the last year. Because of the alzheimer's his doctor said move in with family or go to nursing home and me being the kind and caring person I am I thought no way a nursing home because of the way they use to be in my time. So Yes I agreed thinking I can do this no sweat, until the behavior started and that's when it went down hill and fast. I do think of him as family but not my Father and my 3 children don't know how to wash dishs that well they are learning, but they do help mom with folding clothes, so that kinda blows the idea of doing it for family, Plus my fnl has stated that he hates doing dishes and laundry etc so now that he's here he doesn't. My husband has heard his dad get nasty with me and has talked with him about it.

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