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I'm starting to feel the judgement of others of how i'm handling this caregiving chore. They think I should walk away or wonder how I do it, but what are my choices. I don't see anyone stepping in to help or even staying engaged. They have no idea of what emotional toll it is taking.

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Hi Everyone. All our feelings are in stereo! All our stories are the same versions of caregiver distress and self-absorbed "loved ones". Giving gifts seems like a corny and even like a bad joke, when your giving every day is already a chore and a source of dis-ease. If you try to connect with your spiritual self, it's all even more glaring: I see my impatience, my own imperfections, my lack of enthusiasm in doing one more thing for someone else, even smiling to a stranger brings on my rebellious thought: "I don't want to smile today, I'm going nuts trying to take care of Mom in this crowded supermarket." Why do people expect us to always smile: can't I have my own private face and private space to just vent off some steam? I'm not hurting anyone. Mom doesn't even know or possibly CARE how I feel. After all, she thinks I should be thrilled to cater to her every whim!

Gift giving is an act of battling guilt. If you don't send me cards, I'll have less to feel guilty about! ha.

Meanwhile back at the ranch...The exterior self tries to unite with the inner joyous untouched spirit-self. How can we do this holiday business so that it is healing for the "loved ones" and hey, maybe even me? Oh God...are You still waiting for me? I'll get to you...later...maybe later. I think God will sneak into my heart when I forget myself and drop my guard: not the mouth-guard, that is.

Every Christmas the "magic" people refer to is just that. The softening of hurt feelings, and the letting go of bad memories, as you wrap a present and give it anyways. Somewhere in all this is the flickering candle of love that miraculously survives the storms of caregiving. When it finally sinks into my presence I can bask in the beauty of gratitude.

Peace and yes, let's still be glad for all we have, who we are with, and for the miracle of ourselves and the strength that goes on.
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My mom is still with us but in a nursing home. She can't come home with us because she is so hard to take care of, and doesn't realize it is Christmas. Last year she was with us and pretty much zoned out, didn't remember why we were there, didn't enjoy opening presents. Yes, I am sad she won't be here to share it with us, feeling guilty, wishing there was some way. So, I will visit her Christmas day, but five minutes after I leave she won't remember and will ask where the presents came from, and five minutes after that she will stick them in a drawer and forget them too. Its sad.
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My dad will no longer be driving. Is there some type of service where a person could call and visit with him a few times a week? He will be so lonely now that he will not be going to his church, the mall, shopping, etc
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Meant live in Japan not love
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I am kind of glad when Jan. 2nd hits every year and it is all over! Have not enjoyed Holidays for years. This year is the worse with Father dying Nov.2, 2015, husband with pancreatic cancer and 90 year old Mother off the wall. I am so done. Daughter coming home for Christmas with son-in-law before going to love in Japan for 3 years starting Feb.2015 because they work for the Navy. No sisters or brothers do I have so feel like a one-man-show. Last night friends asked us over for Thanksgiving Dinner so that made me feel a little better.
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I hate the holidays! Just another burden or disappointment.
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Anyone else done to death with Thanksgiving? All this flurry and blurry over ONE MEAL. Some years I'm the person who cooks and cleans for 2 days to make it happen; some years I'm not. Either way, enough already. Past 6 years or so, my immediate family defaulted to the restaurant option. Yay! (Looking back, it was an early manifestation of mom & stepdad hiding how much mom was "slipping" at home. At the time, I was just glad she was comfortable letting herself off the hook. I still am, altho I see the bigger picture now.) My in-laws.....I accept them for who they are. Which is a big family full of people who have very little in common. Beneath the chit-chat social veneer, most of them are confirmed "takers" who love to forget that I can look out for #1 just as well as they can, when the spirit moves me. As I follow the predictable conversations every Thanksgiving, it seems that they are primarily thankful for the opportunity to gather together and recite the police blotter and repeat tired old stories about who married a crazy psycho. (Everyone, apparently.) Now back to me: I was in my 40s before I finally landed a job that that gives me "Black Friday" off. I work long hard hours, and T-giving marks the only 4 day weekend I get all year. For that I am grateful. And I'd like to keep other people's expectations out of it.
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Bless your heart. Pray hard, and find some peace apart from your clients. There is no way that people on the outside can understand the intimate workings of working as a caregiver. To do well, we have to share our skills, our knowledge, our energy and our hearts. If you are helping a family member as a caregiver, and people on the outside, especially family members, find the time to criticize, then they should have time to share their costs, their energy. For those of us who are givers, we can out give ourselves. Depression is a serious and chronic condition that can result from an unrewarding life of giving to people who do not appreciate you. As a recent 74 year old care giver, there are so many people who need companions, someone to talk with, someone who cares about their memories, and it seems that you could truly begin to look around while you have a job now. Just look, find a new job before you let this one go, learn tough love, and last but not least, go to your doctor and get some medication that will uplift your depression. A caring and giving person is always needed. Learn to take care of your own mental health. it is amazing how things seem to get worked out without our "rescue" drives. Love you and pray for your inner peace. Find good friends at church, or somewhere where you are around positive people. You can manage,,,, more than you know, because when you take care of yourself, you will feel so much better.
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Yes the holidays are the worst!!
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I agree with DPrays. We have to be thick-skinned. Ask yourself why you are doing this job. If the answer includes resentment and anger then you might need to reconsider your situation. I have cared for my mother for 7 years, have 2 brother and 2 sisters who do not help. The sisters cause lots of issues but none of them ever visit or call Mother. I finally had to come to terms with what I was doing. I am not here for praise and have come to see that most people do not realize the sacrifice of caregivers. People readily complain and are always willing to tell you how to do things better but have faith in yourself and Jesus and do what you know you need to do. If things become overwhelming and your physical and mental health begin to fail, then I believe you need to reconsider keeping your loved one and look for alternatives. You have to take care of yourself and become thick-skinned when others criticize. Know you are doing what is right regardless of what others say. Caregiving is truly one of the most difficult and non-rewarding jobs but our reward will come. I wish you peace in your life.
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That was really sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet!
(what city do you live in... just wondering... since the people seem so nice)
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BEFORE YOU START YOUR DAY, ASK GOD FOR FORTITUDE, GUIDANCE AND STRENGTH. BEEN AT IT 4 YEARS. HUGS TO YOU....
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just checking in... hope everyone is okay..... mom has been in memory impaired/dementia facility for a month now... now she wants to go home; I am trying to get a job and some resemblance of a life, while taking care of her needs.... how does one juggle all this stuff... been doing it for 3 years....
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I have been off for awhile dealing with the holiday celebrations with family. Some of it was fun, some not so fun. My mother enjoyed every minute of it, singing at the top of her lungs, enjoying all the food etc. That was wonderful to see & I wouldn't trade it for the world. Around Thanksgiving, I was having a rough time, tired, trying to get it all done. I went to to pick up my organic turkey at the speical food store & the lady asked me how I was. I responded, " I am tired & I want someone to take care of me for awhile." As I was shopping, she made me a sandwich, a drink & a gave me a cookie she had just baked. "I don't know how to do anything for people except feed them," she said. I almost cried. It was the kindest thing anyone had done for me in a long time.
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Annelia, well said! @Theirdaughter, I hear ya! I love for what little family we have left to visit my Parents but damit, keep their "observations" to themselves. Yes somethings could be better but on a day to night to day basis, things are darn good. How easy it is to visit for 2-3 hrs a Qtr then return to their own lives. sometimes I'm like "SAY SOMETHING"! I DARE YOU! Defensive? yes! tired, worn, committed, caring and there for the long run? YES! I spent a good part of Christmas in the E.R. with my Mom, Turkey in the oven, but thank God my MIL was here and took over dinner, all turned out well, but I was well shaken you can belive that!
@Hearttoheart, please get respite care soon! You need it for YOU!
@ lilliansBonnie, sorry for your loss, thanks for the reminder. I pray that you will celebrate the wonderful times spent with your Mom.
Bless us all, Thank you all and may we all have a healthier more insightful New Year!
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God Bless You Luvmom:

My mother was so good with us that even when she felt the need to reprimand us it did not seem like a reprimand & we never felt bad. She always took care as to not offend anyone; anything that came out of her mouth was like honey.
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Dear Heart2Heart:

In circumstances like yours, it is best that you place your mother in Assisted Living or have her darling son pick her up & take her to Calgary. All you are doing is going to a bottomless pit. It sounds like your health is in jeopardy.
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Dear Heart to Heart, I like your post about your brother. It is the same with me. Take heart, this too shall pass. I'm with you and understand what you are going through. My mother has a favorite daughter and also she thinks my husband is a saint. Hello?!!
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HEY heart2heart, using a few @^!%!$s while caring for the ungrateful and dealing with the unhelpful at the expense of your own needs and wants doesn't make you unChristian in my book anyways. You don't have to pretend a pile of poop doesn't stink with us on these boards :-). Sure, probably its better not to call mom bad names, even if she really was one all her life and not just now, but you were at the end of your rope and beyond there for a minute, and you are still caregiving, right? Forgiveness is readily available for that sort of thing. Mom probably has so much less control over her self and her life, and probably has declining social perception and capacity for empathy that goes along with dementia, so reducing expectations for her behavior as low as you think you can reasonably go, and then going lower when you find you have to, may work out better. Hugs.
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Merry Christmas to all you wonderful caregivers and what you are doing for your loved one! You may be struggling, understandable. It is a difficult road to travel as others do not seem to share your feelings. However, know that when it is over, it is over and you will have no regrets in what you gave to them. I spent my first family Christmas time yesterday and it is painful without them. Good memories go on and on, so know that you are doing the right thing for them, no matter what and enjoy the ride as much as possible. There does come to an end.
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Dear heart2heart, caringgiving does suck, it does consume your life, it is lonely, and you do give up your life and most importantly no one is ever around to help. But I woundn't have changed the last 5 years of my life and the time I had with my mom. Yes, she 'd talk about her favorite son, who was never around but still he could do no wrong. She was and still is my life. She is now in a nursing home after being in the hospital and is declining fast. It is the WORST thing I have and will every have experienced. This will most likely be the last christmas with her. I can't image my life without my mom. I had already lost my father one year ago. Take a deep breathe(it helps ssometimes), you are doing this because you love her! Will be thinking and praying for you!
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Having the worst last few days, with Christmas eve tomorrow... I am absolutely going insane, as my mother talks to her 'perfect' son behind my back, and he hasn't done a THING to help or make my life easier.... He lives in Calgary... and, I'm glad he does... I've never felt so much hatred from my brother's family and my mother does NOTHING to defend or support me... All this after just about giving up my life to help her for the past 8 yrs!... SHE LIVES WITH ME!... My 'milestone' birthday in October was ruined and now my Christmas and New Year will be also... And, nice ... yesterday I called my mother a selfish bit#$%%@^!... In all honesty, I have toted her around all over the place with 'gambling' being the love of her life... (even above me)... This is all really making me sick... Caregiving... don't recommend it for anyone... because, there's really no one out there that gives a sh@^!%!$!... especially, the one being cared for or your siblings. (so much for being a christian)
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Patti you do have a friend in Brandy.
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sskape, your Christmas day sounds like a day that you will never forget and cherish forever.
satintoribbons, your mom sounds wonderful, mine was the same way and thats why she is here with me right across the hall sleeping right now and will be forever. I think she deserves what she gave and she is getting it, we spoil her rotten! Hang in there and try and get help, its a lifesaver for me when someone comes in to bathe Mom for me and give me time off.
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I am new to this site and am taking care of my 82 year old dad with chf and he is in hospice, I have had him for eight weeks now, I had been doing pretty well until the past week, I am missing my mom who died three years ago of cancer, and we have had dreary weather and I have no help, so I am with him 24/7 and feeling a little weepy:(. I know it is really hard on him though just looking out the window all day and just watching tv.
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To: sskape2:

How often do your sons visit? At the risk of sounding judgemental, why couldn't they visit you during Christmas or better yet, why couldn't they invite you & your mother to their house. They sound like my family; as long as my mother cooked, the came through hell or high water. Now that she is not cooking, they make themselves scarce.
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Hello Patti4Mom:

For your sake you need to get relief from caregiving for at least a day. Use this time to chill out & relax. I work full-time, so working is my break. I get no help from family, yet, they expect me to entertain them weekends. Are they kidding? The weekends are my down time. Sometimes I believe that I would be better off without family.
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Feeling very sad! I just had my moms care plan meeting at the nursing home where she is doing rehab after a hospital visit. She has declined so fast from a month ago. They discharged her for rehab because she doesn't have the strength from any of it. She will not be leaving the nursing home. This might be her last Christmas with us. I am bringing her home with me for the day. I don't want to feel so sad. I want to enjoy my time with her while she is here.
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I have been struggling with depression, too. It helps if I put on some Christmas music, listen to some of my favorite TV pastors, and play some monotonous games online. The games are not real helpful but take my mind off other things. Mom is in her mode of I am not really needed and I should go get a job. I would love to have a job but that is too much responsibility for me and taking care of her and running her to 2 doctors or more some weeks. I wonder just who does she think will hire me when I have to take so many mornings off to take her places? I also need to be with her because she does not know how to talk to the doctor about symptoms she is in denial of! lol She thinks she is on a social visit. I am mostly tired of everything about her. Me, me, me is all I hear and she wonders why I don't want to listen any more. It must be wonderful to be so self important. I just want to be able to go to coffee or dinner with friends (I don't have any because I am giving of my life to take care of her). But I know that any moment things could change and one of us could be in the hospital or gone to be with the Lord. I TRY to make the best of it. She is mostly happy and upbeat. I know that one day it will be worth it because I didn't leave her alone and lonely as she did me for many years. I will know that I did what I wanted done to me. Someone to take care of her that loves her and mostly appreciates and sometimes more than tolerates her. I don't have any clue what I will do when she goes. I don't know if anyone will hire me then. I am too old and what skills I have left other people have the same or better. I don't know.
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I feel sad this Christmas. It will just be my Mom and me. My sons won't be coming for the first time ever, can't affort to travel this year. I'm just going to cook a meal and prob watch a movie , and hope the day goes by . Hope that next Christmas is a better time.
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