Is anyone else out there feeling depressed about the holidays and the loneliness of being a caregiver?

Wow, I just stumbled upon this website! I really wish I had found it years ago, as I was the primary caretaker for both my parents until their passing. I totally understand how you feel. Unless they have walked many miles in your shoes, they have no idea. Don't waste what little energy you must have left trying to explain it to anyone! They won't get it. Instead, surround yourself with others (even on line chats) that have been or are still going through it. You need support, praise, and encouragement; not to mention HELP! While I was going through this, I had a cousin that was totally supportive. Although she lived 1000's of miles away, she checked in regularly with positive support and also let me vent. Now that my parents have passed, I can tell you that I have no regrets. My children have a great appreciation for the elderly and it is second nature for them to be empathetic and caring. I was a good role model for them. Hang in there.

Yes, the holidays are an inconvenience to me this year. I'm doing so much for my mother that I get so impatient that she wants to send cards out or wants me to make her a wreath for her door. Things that I feel are sooo insignificant at this point and I don't need one more thing to do. Then I feel soooo guilty. There just isn't enough time, I have no life and it IS lonely in *Caregiverland*. Most of the time I can laugh at a lot of the things she says, but today is just one of those bad days as she bit my head off when I went to help her today.

Sosad2,

Unfortunately the holidays can be a depressing time regardless if you are a caregiver or not. Take sometime for yourself and your family and don't be to hard on yourself when you get sad.

Our editors have written the following articles that I hope I will help you survive this holiday season and find something special from them.

Holiday Depression: Strategies for Overcoming Holiday Blues
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/dealing-with-holiday-depression-108018.htm

Reducing Loneliness in Elders around the Holidays
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elderly-loneliness-during-holidays-148441.htm

How to Keep Your Sanity During the Holidays
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/keeping-your-sanity-the-holiday-season-137029.htm

and lastly...

5 Ways to Make the Holidays Merry
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-and-the-holidays-137025.htm

Happy Holidays,
Karie H.
AgingCare.com Team

sosad2. Absolutely! It is depressing, lonely, overwhelming and tiring and more. I buried my husband a couple of weeks ago after years of being his sole caregiver and I understand where you are. That is being human, as was said so well, don't be so hard on yourself, make time for yourself in whatever way you can in whatever small increments you can take them to survive. Friends who allow you to vent, any encouragement from positive people wherever...they are out there. Take advantage of everything that comes your way, don't expect it from certain ones or you will definitely be disappointed, it can come from ones you least expect. God sends special "angels" to help us when we need it most when we least expect it from unexpected sources! When your journey is complete, you will have no regrets for what you have accomplished...one of the greatest gifts you can give, especially at this time of year YOURSELF!

I agree with Annelia. We here on the caregiving website our our "special angels" and we will help in any way we can. I am going through the same thing right now and as my mom progesses with her dementia things get more complex. Just allow yourself to be around positive people who you know have your best interest at heart. What we do as caregivers can never be fully explained to someone who has not experienced it themselves. Don't beat yourself up because in the end you will have peace of mind that you were able to help someone you loved and for that you will have emotional peace. Your will reap many rewards in other ways for what you have sacrificed. Please stay positive. I know it's hard as I've been crying all weekend trying to make the right decision for my mom's care. I know it will work out for all of us and you will have no regrets when your loved one's life ends and your's as well. Please vent on this website and ask any questions or make any comments that will help you understand. Good Luck!

Annelia, Italianbabs, Yes, I have met absolutely wonderful people that I never would have met had this caregiving situation didn't occur. My world has changed and truly those angels are there, and in various backgrounds and situations. I am grateful for having been exposed to this website and all the others who have shown positive qualities. thank you so much

You are very welcome! Hang in there as you are a "special angel" as well. :)

I am finally free of being a caregiver for my Mom. I remember wishing for a break and I complained it was just too much. Now I am so sad because my Mom passed away in May and this is our first year without her. I knew for the past two years that she would not be here someday and that was what kept me in focus to help her when she needed me. She took care of me as a child and she was there for me for many years. Now my freedom is not the enjoyment I thought it would be. Caretakers are blessings and I wish you all well.

HELLO!
FOLKS WHO SIT IN JUDGEMENT OF YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE. PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL. THEY REALLY DO NOT KNOW. THIS SITE HAS BEEN A LIFESAVER FOR ME.
I WAS ESTRANGED FROM MY DAAD FOR 36 YEARS, HE JUST CAME BACK INTO MY LIFE. HE WAS IN REHAB LAST CHRISTMAS. THE DAY AFTER HE CHOKED ON HIS SUPPER AND ARRESSTED. THIS TIME OF YEAR HAS ALWAYS BEEN DIFFICULT FOR ME. WHAT I HAVE TRIED TO DO IS MAKE NEW MEMORIES. AND, DONT FEEL GUILTY DOING SO. CELEBRATE AND MEMBERS THAT ARE GONE. AND CELEBRATE THE ONES STILL HERE AS YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THEY WILL BE. NO MATTER5 HOW TOUGH THINGS ARE THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE WITH IT A LITTLE WORSE. COUNT YOUR BLEESINGS THAT YOU HAVE WHAT YOU HAVE AND CAN DO WHAT YOU CAN DO. SENDING YOU HUGS AND PRAYERS....
DPRAYS

Wow, I was just thinking that i'm starting to get that judgement feeling that others are judging how I'm handling this. thanks for your post.

I'm pretty fortunate that my parents are doing fairly well. However, this morning I got a phone call from my dad's friend who is younger by about 10 years. He and his wife had been visiting and wanted me to know that the chairs Mom and Dad sit in are dirty and also that my mom keeps wearing the same top over and over.

I do appreciate that he called and I know he is a good friend to my dad and wants to be helpful, but on some level I felt like I was being judged. My parents have never been good about keeping things clean, it just doesn't seem to bother them. They are living in a retirement community and have someone who comes in weekly to clean, so mostly their place looks pretty good. However, around Thanksgiving time my husband noticed their refrigerator was a mess, so I did talk to my dad (offered to help) and he ended up cleaning it out. For whatever reason, I didn't see that their chairs needed cleaning.

As for my mom, it's a struggle getting her to change her clothes. It's not that I haven't mentioned it. I've said something about it in front of my dad more than once, but he apparently doesn't notice or doesn't want to argue with my mom.

She's been wearing a ratty old sweater every single day since it's gotten cold. I said something to my dad and he did try to find something, but I guess it was too difficult. So, I managed to find a sweater online for her birthday, which she loves. Of course, she'll wear it every day until summer! (I got her another color for Christmas.)

It doesn't sound like much, but it's exhausting dealing with their stuff and my own. Dad got a new cell phone and I ended up spending a couple of hours this afternoon helping him with that. Dammit, it was even confusing for me!

Anyway, I guess my point is that I'm feeling stressed because I see them getting worse. And having someone else say something made me feel so defensive because I do care about them and I want to help them, but to some extent, I end up backing off because they are managing and THEY get defensive, especially my mom.

So, tonight I'm kind of depressed and I apologize if I used your post to vent about myself.

oh, I'm more of a whiner for sure. and i hate to say it, but i think you are now entering another part of the "world".

NO NEED TO BE DEPRESSED AND NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE. BE GREATFUL AND THANKFUL THAT THEY ARE MANAGING. SO MANY FOLKS CAN NOT. THANK YOU TO THE FRIEND WHO BROUGHT IT TO YOUR ATTENTION. BEING A CFAREGIVER MEANS YOU HAVE TO ECOME THICK SKINNED. IF SOMEONE SEES A PROBLEM AND THEY CAN NOT ASSIST YOU IN SOLVING IT THEY ARE JUST AS MUCH OF THE PROBLEM THAN A SOLUTION.
HUGS TO YOU. DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. BE HAPPY YOU HAVE THEM BOTH.
BLESSINGS,
DPRAYS

Carrieann, I understand where you are coming from, I was there almost 4 years ago with my Mom. I was just thinking to myself "awe Mom used to want to send out cards and I helped her, it meant so much to her." She used to roll the cookie balls for me and cut up things and stay busy. Now my Mom now can barely see, doesnt even know what Christmas is, or who I am, and cant do anything but listen to music. As hard as it is, you will look back on these days as only the beginning, cherish them. I had a weekend caregiver 8 hours a day and it was the best damn thing I ever did in my life!!! Unfortunately I did have to let her go but I am trying to replace her. I am a better caregiver when I know I have t i m e with my family coming on weekends. Hang in there!! Deep Breath!!

Unfortunately many don't understand the toll it takes on the caregiver. Some of my friends think I can just up and go - they don't get it. It's very depressing at times, that you feel like a caged animal would feel kept in captivity, that you just want to "roar" out and escape. Sometimes you feel like a slave and that your quality of life is not there and no one is understanding that you are here, you are alive and not just a robotic slave. I understand that feeling. And sometimes no matter what you do for the person you are caring for, isn't good enough ever, that I know! The holidays get very depressing as you are doing it all and just have a hard time enjoying the holiday season because of all the demands on your time. Try your best to look on the bright side, the positive side - find something that is bright and positive - My dogs are my bright and positive side to focus on when the rest of the household gets me down and don't understand. I have a sister that does not help one iota - but sure can judge and oh do her bible study and ministry - she fails terribly at that as she does not honor her mother at all, does not help the family except to criticize and put down - don't know what bible she is reading! Anyway, hang in there and remember, no one and I mean no one - has the right to judge you with what you are doing - if they feel they would do better - then say well here ya go!!! And watch them back off really fast.

SOSA:

Many years ago I celebrated the Holidays with Buds, booze, spending 2-3 paychecks on Xmas cards, dinners, and presents instead of big lumps of coal, and the occasional bar brawl.

The Xmas spirit was actually a Xmas coma. Every year I went through the foolish motions of accommodating the self-serving wishes of people who didn't really care about me. In a nutshell, I got tired of being the Latin Santa everyone else expected me to be. Instead of giving and giving, I decided to treat myself to self-respect.
Odd as it might seem, watching my 2 boys raid the Xmas tree in search for presents somehow justified my relapse into Holiday madness year after year.

My 4x / year get together with my sons and their kids is enough for me to be Jolly, and I can't ask for anything more. Am I depressed? Perhaps. I got so conditioned to being a sucker for punishment there are times I miss it.

Depressed during the holidays-yes!. My mom is in a nursing home after a pretty serious hospital stay. She is declining fast and will not be coming back home. The last year or so, she has needed to be in a nursing home. I thought I would feel better once that decision was made. Caregiver burnout was at the maximum. But the guilt of this is just as bad. And not much has changed. I still run to the nursing home everyday. She is very depressed. When i don't go- I feel horrible. I know she is finally being taken care of, she is safe. Its like I can't be or adjust to any of this. Its especially hard during the holidays. I feel so alone. Will I ever adjust to this? She beggs me not to give up on her. Part of me thinks she is giving up. Cleaning out her stuff from her apt.of 15 years is so sad. I know I should be just happy she is alive. Does it ever get easier? I have to be everything for everybody. My kids, my mom, my husband. I am so worn out. I feel just as bad as when I was caring for her. I keep telling myself she is being taken care of, and the burden of that worry should make me feel better. Also I know it takes time. Thanks for listening. I pray that we all find alittle Peace during this hoiday season.

Dear precious one...you are on heavy Caregiver load! Others can say not to feel guilty, however, you are the one who must find peace within yourself not to feel the guilt. Know within the depths of your heart that you have done everything humanly possible to do what has been necessary to care for your mothers' needs, both before the nursing home and now that she is there. You are still her caregiver in that you are there for her. Talk to yourself and give yourself the gift of peace knowing that you have been the best you could possibly be to her and leave the rest to God. I am looking forward to the day it does get easier after losing my husband a couple of weeks ago. Enjoy what time you have with her. Holidays are tough, give time....time!

First OF ALL:::;;; TO SEE ANOTHER HOLIDAY IS A BLESSING, AND SHARING IT WITH YOUR PARENTS IS A DOUBLE BLESSING. ACCEPT THE JOB TAKING CARE OF YOUR PARENT,CAUSE IT IS ORDAIN FROM ''GOD'. IN THESE DAYS YOUR PARENTS COULD BE TAKING CARE OF YOU. IF YOU WOULD THINK ABOUT THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS , HOW ''JESUS', CAME INTO THE WORLD SO WE CAN BE HAPPY,, AND TO BE FREE OF SIN.. PEOPLE HAVE LOST FOCUS ON THESE DAYS..'TO ME,'' CHRISTMAS IS EVERY DAY,AND NEW YEARS IS JUST ANOTHER 'BLESSED' YEAR. REGUARDLESS,OF WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH WITH YOUR PARENTS ;;,LOVE THEM WITH ALL YOUR HEART,MIND AND SOUL,,.I LOST MY MOTHER LAST APRIL,BUT I CAN SAY NOW THAT I KNOW SHE IS WITH GOD CAUSE WHEN I MISS HER,I PRAY;;AND 'GOD' REVEAL HER PRESENTS SPIRITUALLY....AND I JUST THANK 'GOD' FOR THAT.I MISS SINGING WITH MY MOTHER.'''I HAVE NEVER BEEN DEPRESS CAUSE 'GOD' SAID ,''HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME'' AND I KNOW THAT MY MOTHER WILL ALWAYS BE WITH HIM UNTIL THE END SO WE ARE CONNECTED.....JOSELYN

My mother suffered a stroke last year on Christmas Eve. It marks one year and I am fighting so hard to maintain my composure. I did not decorate, I am not buying presents and am not cooking or having anyone over.
I don't feel depressed,but I am so tired and exhausted,that I chose to be different this year. I can't get anyone to help me out or at least drop in once in a while and give me a break,so why should I go out of my way (with no strength) to please others. It is not that I'm getting back at them, but I prefer to be at ease,relax and watch TV this year. That doesnt mean I don't love the season and wont wish anyone a Merry Christmas,I just want to relax.
Christmas has always been a time to run around,do the house,shopping etc.etc. and that is not something I am motivated to do with all the hours I must put in with mom.
Therefore, I wish you all a Merry Christmas,a wonderful and healthy New Year and don't feel guilty if you aren't celebrating with others.
All you are doing is being different this year and if you are mourning as I am,(lost 5 relatives in 3 months) the best you can do is have lots of good food and snacks , relax and enjoy the ride. Maybe there will be one good friend who can drop by,but we are family here also and can log in.
It's not a crime to stay home and enjoy your holiday.
This season is a time to reflect what the true meaning is and it is all about the babe in the manjor.
God bless you all..
Cathy

I thought I had the holidays thing whipped, until we got all the Christmas decorations out of the attic and I pulled out the Snoppy and Woodstock stocking I had bought for my mom, with full hope and expectation she would be here celebrating with us. We had always managed to have some kind of celebration to her for major holidays and bought her gifts and such - she was easy to buy for as long as you stuck to the things you knew she liked, and alert and cognitive enough to tell you if she did or didn't! She passed on this summer though, just short of her 80th birthday, having vascular dementia and severe coronary heart disease that finally took her away from us. I don't miss the worries and being picked on and all...but I miss Mom. I thank God for the good memories we have. My son Michael was especially good with her and I will never forget.

lizard41.... just went through the same thing with my mother... she needed to be in a dementia facility, but refused to leave her home... was hospitalized last month, then rehab facility... now has been two weeks in a memory impaired/dementia facility....she cannot live by herself anymore. We do the best we can to keep them in their own homes, but circumstances call for more care, 24/7, than we are able to give..... I still take one day at a time; it is an adjustment that mom is not at home, but I know she is getting really great care, taking her meds, and is supervised 24/7.... but it still is an adjustment, and it takes time.

I am angry because my family is uncooperative. It is heartbreaking that both my brothers don't feel the sense of urgency in placing my mother at the top of the list. It does not matter if they are married or not. I am of the belief that when it comes to our mother there are no compromises or negotiations. That is our mother & we will move th earth to help her. That's it; no ifs, ands, or buts.

Wow, Satin, its great for mom that you really care for her! But the way you put it has me concerned you could fall into the trap that a lot of people do...feeling guilty if you ever take care of anyone else while your mom is in need. I made a couple of decisions that put the welfare of my children above what my mom might have prefered, so I really get what you are saying - how can anyone limit what you will do for your mom and not feel guilty? No one should wreck a marriage or desert a child to care for an elder if they can help it, but I sense they are not even close to pulling their share? Their perspective is probably very different and they are sitting back a bit because you are doing so much...they may even feel that whatever they do cannot compare to what you do and will never be "enough" from your perspective so why try? Or they may be in some degree of denial. If you can't make them see things your way, try to be very encouraging of anything they do manage to contribute...it may require a little tongue biting on your part but you sure don't want them to just disappear altogether as support... if there is a lot more going on that makes what I am saying just way off-base in your situation, I apologize in advance!

Hello VStefans:

Thank you for your perspective. Please do not apologize; I am happy to hear from you. My mother has been there for the entire family & the word "NO" never existed in her vocabulary. She was my sister-in-law's personal babysitter for 7 years without pay, & now this same sister-in-law has turned her back on her in her time of need. You want to know the kicker in all this? Back in Jan. 2001 my 3 brothers & their wives threw a "surprise" birthday party for my mom's 75th birthday; I knew something was up when I took one look at this sister-in-law; she had a look of doom throughout the entire party. The following Monday, she came to pick up my mom for her babysitting duties. My mom expressed gratitude for the beautiful party. My sister-in-law became very angry & said: there were too many people; it cost too much money; I did not know those people were invited. The family had a meeting before & everything was agreed on. My mother turned to her & asked; how much did you pay? She replied $1200; my mother assured her that she would pay her back every cent she paid!!! She accepted cash money from mom to pay for a party she never asked for. Both my brother & sister-in-law deny that this happened & they are taking advantage that my mom has dementia.
This is what I have to deal with. I have another sister-in-law in California who has her pants in a knot because my brother & she need to help pay the caregiver; they have more money than they can handle yet all I get is $950 per month; the caregiver expenses are $2600 or more a month. My mother & I never have asked anyone for help financially or otherwise. This all started when my mom had a mini-stroke in June, 2010 & was placed for a month in physical rehab; the West Coast couple did not visit my mom in rehab for that month; they flew in a few days before her release & his wife started complaining to my brother & made it a point to tell him that the other brother should pay his share. Of all places to act ignorant & it was being done in front of my mom! I was ready to take a swing at all of them for being so insenstive getting my mom so upset. If I don't stop I will end up typing all day!! I could write a book! Thank you for listening & stay tuned to more of the saga. Have a great day!!

Dear Satin,
I so feel your pain -- I have three brothers and they do not have a clue. I'm spending (I don't even want to say -- but I'm sure you all know how much help costs), per week and it just breaks my heart every day. sometimes it hits me and i get so mad so I don't even talk to them. They call mom to talk to her, and she has her good moments so she sounds good to them. They have absolutely no clue -- bitter, yes? so I do feel your pain. and about that party -- i can see my sister-in-law doing that.

Hello Sosad2:

Thank you for listening to me. You are so kind. I am sorry you are going through the same pain as I am. Christmas is approaching soon & believe me I am not in the mood to spend it with my family. At this point I am so burned out, that a nice quiet day with my mom is what the doctor ordered. Happy Holidays to you!!

I'll bet dollars to donuts you brother will be a lot nicer to his mother-in-law than sisters-in-law are being your mom! Mean-spirited people are draining as all get out, I really do feel for you. And for brother who has to stay loyal to mean sister-in-law without totally neglecting loyalty to you and Mom...eek! I hope and pray you get that nice quiet time with Mom, and that something happens - not TOO bad of something, but enough to be a wake-up call - to give stingy, miserable SIL the "heart" transplant she so desperately needs. God bless...

well, to be honest, his wife is not as giving to her mom so she doesn't understand so brother has to respond to her demands. hmmm, all I can say is that we all get our share, righto?

I was depressed and lonely before all this started and now even more so. Really like this site. All I can say is one day at time and keep posting. We are all there for you.