How can I get through feeling alone in caring for my aging parents?

Asked by

I feel frustrated, mad, tired, worn out and alone. I don't feel like I have what it takes and I want to run away. How can I get through this? i feel bad and i am frustrated and mad. i am tired worn out and feel alone so very alone with decisions. family gives advice but no one will help. people offer explanation as to why bad things happen. i am so worn out. i dont feel like i have what it takes. i want to run away. i feel so abondoned.

Answers 1 to 10 of 30
Top Answer
Though I don't know your caregiver circumstances, your feelings are normal, as is the exhaustion you say you are experiencing. Caregiving is hard work and if you are a primary or sole caregiver to a family member or anyone else, for that matter, you're it. Though it is hard on caregivers when family members don't step up to the plate, odd as it may sound, I understand their side, too. Some individuals just can't begin to go down the path of further complicating their lives. Hope you keep posting and sharing on this website. There are many, many people who post and share here who will fully understand your frustration. Caregiving can be a lonely journey...and trip. Also, don't be afraid to seek medical advice for yourself, or a local support network if you are up to joining one. It may not change anything, but you just may start to realize that you are so not alone. Don't think too much, ok? Sometimes one needs a breather. Sounds like you need one right about now. AgingCare.com is a top-flight breather with fine caregivers who post regularly because we enjoy community and support in our respective journey. Take care of yourself, too. Glad you posted!
Yvonne, I feel for you. Ditto to all that caregiverslight said. I don't know what your faith background is, but I can tell you that when I've felt "desperate" and about to "break", I have prayed to God and He has come through EVERY TIME for me. On one occasion, He arranged circumstances that week so that my parents went into crisis and then had to agree to move out of their home into a senior community. ( The issue was forced upon them divinely, I believe.) On another occasion, God planted "angels" ( in human form) in my path to assist me---It was unbelievable and felt supernatural, the way these angels just showed up ---boom---in my path, when I was at my weakest, most depleted point. ( In two cases, the angels called my name from behind me. I turned and there she was. It felt like a weird coincidence that it happened this way twice.) I honestly don't think I could have managed my parents' care without these angels. God loves you and He will help you. My best to you.
You have to decide how long you can be the caregiver. Some caregivers try but they 'don't have what it takes. I did it for 3 years and that was all I could do. I didn't have what it takes. It took its toll on me and before I could let it finish me off, I had to turn the care over to others. Call your social services when you get to this point. Tell them you need to have the person you are caring for placed in a facility equiped for this type caregiving. These caregivers can go home after 8 hours.
Darling Yvonne seek help from the professionals(social services). If you feel this bad please, please seek help. Last week I could have done something very silly but instead spoke to a social worker. The help and advice and other factors helpped me make the dissision to put dad in a home. Looking foreward. Get help and get a life.
Yes, yes, yes! Check out what governmental social services might be available in your area. Utilize elder day care, a senior citizens' center, and/or Home health assistants if they are available to you. If you can't dig up any helpful resources, try contacting hospice. They can evaluate your loved one, along with the physician the elderly person sees. If accepted into the program, a number of workers & volunteers will be available, which will give you a little respite from the pressure of 24/7 duty. Even if he or she doesn't
qualify for hospice, the compassionate people who work
for the organization may have some helpful ideas.

Since you do have family who are apparently aware of the situation, have a frank discussion about placement in a nearby retirement facility. They are not 'hell holes' and attention from family is effective in assuring there is good care for the elderly resident. If you don't think you have
the backbone to stand up to family who have designated you
as caregiver, talk to a minister or social worker. Or find one
relative who will stand by you to insist the situation be changed.

Since you haven't identified who you care for, family members are that aren't helping, or the type of
city you live in, giving advice must necessarily be general.

Good luck. We who are willingly & not-so-willingly caring
for elderly relatives are legion.
I really feel your pain Yvonne. Having my Mom living with me for over 2 years and knowing she isn't the person I used to be friends with is very, very stressful. I can really see the strain it's taking on me and my husband, and even more so my Mom and I hardly have any kind of a relationship anymore. Sometimes I just can't stand to be in the same room with her, but I pull myself together and show her all the compassion I can. I get zero help from my brother and sister in her care of financially. Unfortunately my Mom has no savings and can't afford to go to a nice Assisted Living Facility, which I think she would do very well at. So we too are stuck between a rock and a hard place. My husband and I still work full time and I have someone come in and stay with her every work day from 8:00 - 2:00. But we cannot plan nights away or vacations because of the cost of having to provide care for my Mom. Since I have joined this site I'm amazed of how many other people are in the same boat.
Hi Yvonne! I just read your online plea for suggestions and or support...I am not sure if the person you are taking care of is your huband or another family member-In either case you do sound like you are very much burned out...which is very understandable.

The symptoms of feeling alone, tired, worn out, and fustrated-seem to be part of caregiver burnout. Thus you have to decide-where to go from here. If the person is ambulatory, there may be options like day care- or even have someone from a reputal agency come in to give you some assistance.

As it has been said many times - here in this forum- to become good at caregiving, you have to take care of yourself. If you do NOT-you can become burnt out, and your immune system maybe compomised. So in essence, you need to take some me time-to sit back and reflect where your caregiver journey is headed---and what can you do to remain on the straight and narrow...this may not be easy to accomplish, however it may become necessary.

There may even be support groups in your are-where you can vent and receive feedback from others--if so, I suggest that your partake.

I have been a caregiver-and very much understand your feelings--and this is why I have made the suggestions to you-and hope that they are some help.

Good luck--and please keep us informed. There seem to be a community od caring people here in this forum.

Hap

I would highly recommend the following book.

Caring for yourself while caring for your aging parents : how to help, how to survive Author: Berman, Claire.

I found it in our public library and wished I had had it a year ago.

It is a wonderful resource, but most importantly it addresses the feelings and welfare of the caregiver.
I agree with everyone here. I cry, pray , cry and pray more . Almost everyday. If I am lucky I get out of the house one day a week. I can more but have to ask and I really hate to ask but I have and will when the need arises. Don't wait till it is to late or you do something crazy. Ask for help and take it. Our you will go crazy.
Pidkuy, you mentioned that your mom doesn't have the money to afford a nice assisted living. If she qualifies for Medicaid, she can go to an assisted living, family care home or a resthome. They have activities, some of which she may can participate in. She would be with others 24/7 who look out for her care as well as others her age. You and your hubby can get your lives back and be able to be a couple once again. You & hubby need some time alone. You then would not have to pay someone to come in while you work. Also I hope you are not paying for the person to come in out of your pocket. Social Services can provide nurse's aids to come to your house while you work and stay with your Mom. My aunt has one staying with her now. Comes at 8 - leaves at 4. Medicaid pays for it as my aunt can't afford it on just SS.

Share your answer

Please enter your Answer

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support