My father constantly cuts me down and criticizes me. He thinks I tricked him into living with me, what should I do about his bad behavior?

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My father has been living with me since September 2010, he is having a really hard time letting go of his independence, he constantly cuts me down or even sometimes try and hit me and cuss me out telling me I tricked him into living with me. His family (sister) up north wanted to put him in a home, but I didn't want that for him so I drove him back here to live with me. I am mentally and physically drained from his abusive language. He good for days then he has a spell and gets violent. I have a home care nurse for him 5 days a week while I work, he can't see nor hardly walk. He was a heavy drinker all his life and has absolutely no respect for no one ever. I am losing all my get up and go and feel like whats the point. Everyone warned me, but I wanted him to have a nice home where he could be taken care of and have his little dog with him so he could live out the rest of his life happy. I feel like I am just kidding myself that I can help him cause he doesn't want any help. The only other option is a home, as none of the family wants anything to do with him at all.

Answers 1 to 10 of 10
Sounds like his sister saw the writing on the wall so to speak, and knew what your life was going to be like if you took care of him. Talk to your aunt again, and revisit the idea of moving your dad out of your house. See if she has any ideas. You had good intentions, but to quote the Bible:
"Give not that which is holy to the dogs, neither cast you your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you. " Matthew 7:6:
I feel for you and what you are going through. Dementia caused by alcohol abuse can be extremely difficult. I know because my mother was very much like your father. There are medications that can help curb the abusive insults and physical behavior. For your sake and his call his doctor and explain what is happening. His doctor may be able to prescribe 1 of several medications available that will calm him, yet not sedate him. Be prepared to see a difference, even sedation in the beginning. In time the side effects usually subside. Some medications can cause muscle weakness that can lead to falls. Try being firm with him when he is verbally and physically abusive. A simple, "Those words are not acceptable" may jolt him a bit. The more humble you are the more abuse you can expect. By no means am I saying you should be mean; just firm. There is no reasoning with someone with dementia so trying to explain will simply wear you out. You Dad is frustrated and probably angry that he is "losing" what he sees as everything. Independence is very important to the majority of us and when that's gone what do we have? Encourage him to do as much as he can on his own; dress, bathe (even if you are standing by), chores, etc. Check out support groups in your area. Local larger assisted living facilities probably have a list of support groups open to anyone. A facility in my area welcome anyone to attend their support group. It helps to talk to others with the same situation. Suggestions and insight offer other avenues to manage your life with him and help make life so much easier and enjoyable. You might even consider taking him to an adult day care center so he can be around other people and perhaps participate in activities offered. My heart and prayers go out to you.
Top Answer
I can see why the rest of the family wants nothing to do with him. I feel for your good intentions opening the door for so much destruction in your life. The next time he gets violent with you, he is a danger to you and should be committed to a psych ward in a hospital. So, call 911 the next time it happens.

I can see him being angry over your tricking him and I think the family up north could see what was coming if you took this on. Before he destroys you or kills you, he needs to go to a home where people who are not related to him can take care of him.
What I did was ask my wife's doctor for advice. She suggested an antidepressant, (Sertraline). This drug makes her sleep a lot, but it has helped considerably. She is no longer so aggressive and it is now much easier for me to take care of her at home.
Sounds like You DO NOT have enough Space for the both of you. He needs his own room with his Dining Table, Sofa/chair, and everything he feels is his or that belongs to him from your SISTER"S house. He left something behind that is holding his attitude of NOT FEELING AT HOME there with you. Advise: Leave him alone and peek in on him every now and then. Quit trying so hard to please. He WILL let you know when he needs something or needs YOU! have him ask or look for you. Quit spoiling him.
I would definitely look into a medication to calm him. I think it's too soon to expect him to feel at home. I'm about to move my mother in with me, and I expect her to be very upset for a lot longer than 2 months. If he is violent and you feel you're in danger, though, that is a deal breaker. You can't risk your physical well being.
Put him in a facility. He will not change, but you will as you become more depressed and lost.
Please remember that he is probably fully aware (at times) that he is facing decline and death. He is probably frieghtened, as we all would be, and is unfortunately taking out his harsh emotions on you because he knows that you actually do CARE. It's a difficult thing when the roles of parent and child are reversed, but ask yourself how you would handle your own unruly child and act accordingly.
Work hard to keep in mind that YOU are NOT in the wrong, you are attempting something that is beautiful and precious. Best wishes.
i can relat to you i moved my mother out of her home a yr ago i got her out of a bad situation my nephew negelcted my mom she fell i moved her to live with me hse was getting abuseive it got the point that she was falling she now in a nusring home I couldnt handle her any more i was getting sick shes been taking a tollon my life Ihated ptting her in a facility she needed the 24 hr care. she had pets and you can take them to the facility to visit, my mom is 92 yrs ITHis was a relief forme to get her in a facility
Please learn from me. I have both my Mom and Dad with me. My Mom came 1 year prior to my Dad. I learned within the first 2 weeks that he did not want to be "nagged" as he called it. I now wait for him to ask me for what he needs. Dad needs to feel as if he still has some control over his life. Just check in on your Dad from time to time and ask if he needs anything. It has taken about 5 months and now my Dad has no problem expressing his needs to me. He also lets me take care of things that I know need done without any argument. My Dad was an alcholic and we did not have a very close relationship growing up, but since we have figured out the best way to co habitate I am becoming closer to my Dad. This is something I never thought would happen. Good Luck and I wish all the best.

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