bobO Asked February 2011

How do I deal with my father's vicious words when i visit him in the nursing home?

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How do you deal with the vitriol they spew on you when you go visit? It seems that one triggers all their anger and frustration.

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I agree that if you can function on one level that involves emotional detachment and another level that allows you to grieve for the parent you knew, you may be able to find some peace. The difficulty is finding a way to reach those two levels. I think many of us have post-traumatic stress syndrome from caregiving and do not realize it. Try to find someone that can validate your struggle so you will not second guess your role in the situation. Also, I have found it easier to get cooperation if I mention in a caring voice that I know we can do better than this as a mother and daughter. It only works every once in a while, so the suggestion may not be of any use. Please feel free to vent to us. This site is helping me learn how to be a caregiver. It is a tough but worthwhile task in the end. RLP
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I agree that if you can function on one level that involves emotional detachment and another level that allows you to grieve for the parent you knew, you may be able to find some peace. The difficulty is finding a way to reach those two levels. I think many of us have post-traumatic stress syndrome from caregiving and do not realize it. Try to find someone that can validate your struggle so you will not second guess your role in the situation. Also, I have found it easier to get cooperation if I mention in a caring voice that I know we can do better than this as a mother and daughter. It only works every once in a while, so the suggestion may not be of any use. Please feel free to vent to us. This site is helping me learn how to be a caregiver. It is a tough but worthwhile task in the end. RLP
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cmagnum Feb 2011
Bob, you have an extreme amount of grief, etc. on your plate! :( Much of what your seeing is his disease unless of course he was like this earlier in life, but still I think much of it is his advanced stage. It sounds like you need to take charge of you and take care of you for he is where he can best be taken care of. Has your dad been a person who knew where to press your buttons to get you all fired up? I think a therapist would help with the grief work you are dealing with and help emotionally detach with love from your dad's drama. I might well be totally wrong, but if not, I hope this helps.
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toadballet1 Feb 2011
If by "they" you mean a parent, I am afraid that it comes with the territory. I see by your profile that your father has Alz. - that makes your visits even more challenging. I sure everyone has advised you to "not take it personally"....they are not in your shoes.
If these visits are effecting your spirit, I would limit both your frequency and time that you spend there. As long as you feel he is being taken care of properly, let the professionals do their work. Then, reclaim your life and get back to the things you like to do. You need something positive in your life that will bolster you for the next time you have to visit dad.
good luck
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