My father-in-law moved in and I had to quit my job and care for him all day. He is verybally abusive. How can I cope?

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About a month ago my husbands mother kicked his dad out, she is 74 he is 84. Well, needless to say he is now living with us, a whole different state. I can understand where my husband is coming from. Wanting to take his dad in, and myself well, I did not want to dissapoint my husband by saying no, or that we need to think about it. I had to quit my job, and now I babysit Dad allday! (just a bit resentful, I am)He can be verbally abusive. in the past month I have learned how to KEEP A TIGHT JAWED SMILE ON MY FACE! It's tough when my husband gets home, because he has had a chance to breath during the day, as well as have mature adult conversations, that don't include ailments, diabetes, canes, and a shunt in the head, etc. This morning I gave Dad his coffee, and asked him to sit and drink it, and that I needed to run downstairs for a min. and would be right back, I never got down the stairs and he got up with a full cup of coffee and dumped it onto my white carpet. (We had installed less than 3 mo. ago) I bit my tounge, and said Dad it's ok it was an accident. I WAS SCREAMING INSIDE! Everytime my husband is not here dad say's to me, oh that son of mine is one good son letting me live in HIS HOME, and how my husband takes such good care of him. My husband told his dad (at my not so nice request)that I take very good care of him as well, and that this is our home. I'm sitting in the living room typing this, Dad see's I am busy and he say's to me in a loud voice, "woman, can I get some nut's over here" I chuckled to myself, thinking I'm going to be in a nut house if this keeps up!

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Oops, the original posting was from 10 years ago.
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To the OP (original poster). You need to set boundaries. You do not need to take his abuse. Tell him u won't take it. If he has the shakes, buy a lidded coffee cup.
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Hi Tracy,

It was amusing reading your comment to your father in law about the coffee and saying it was all right while SCREAMING INSIDE. This is something I've felt many times. And the tight-jawed smile on your face, hahaha, at least I know I'm not alone!!!! Caregiving is a challenge, yes, indeed. MLC
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Tracy,
I found three sites you might want to check out: www.seniorhelpers.com, www.ElderCareLink.com, and www.americangeriatrics.org. I checked them out and they are great, however, I don't know how much they cost. I am in need of this very thing. Someone I can trust to be home with my husband at a very very low price! And I don't know about you, but, I sure didn't come prepared for some of these very high costs. Anyway, I hope this will help. Don't be blown away, go ahead and investigate these sites. Sometimes there are pieces of information here and there that will help.
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Tracy,
On the right side of this site is a section (orange) named Caregivers Connection. Under it is a post called: Opening Lines of Communication about Care Needs. Click on it and read it, run on down where it talks about Geriatric stuff. That sounds very interesting! It might help. I am not sure, but I think these questions come from the community. Good luck! Keep me posted.
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Tracy,
Yes, by all means you have every right to be concerned about your mother-in-law! No matter what anyone else thinks, you are working? How old is she and who diagnosed her with alz? And when? Have you checked out the rest of this site? Under Finance in the Community are other boards that just might shed some more light on your avenues to care for her while you are gone. I now have providers along with home health care, and I have sitters who will sit with him while I go get food, medicine, or gas. I am not working. Still employed, but off for now. Look under medicare and if you don't qualify for that, look under medicaid. Sorry, I don't know a whole lot yet. Check out the rest of this site and the questions to the far right either on the home page or Community page. Hope this helps.
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Hi I too just found this web site and have been caring for my mother in law and it has been hard as she has alz. I have been caring for her since she could help around the house to now when she can't even remember how to change her close or take a bath. I am a bit afraid now because she is at home all day by herself while my husband and I work. She has never tried to cook anything any more. She just fixes herself a bowl of cereal in morning and sandwich at lunch. Do I have the right to worry while I'm gone. My husband doesn't understand my concerns and I can't get through to him this is only going to get worse, and I need some outside help. Any suggestion or resources you know of, I would appreciate.
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I am new to this caregiving and found this site and thought I would give it a try. I feel alone in this since he came home from the rehab center. His brain surgery was from an operation on his aneurysm. He went from surgery to a rehabilitation center and then home. At home he is recieving Home Health Care and they help with bathing, fixing meals, getting him to take medicine, etc. They only come for about 1 to 2 hours maybe two times a week. The rest of the time it is all me!!! And when you are not prepared for this and unskilled, it can be very frustrating when they are not themselves. And I now realize that I can't blame him because he is not able to think things through the way he used to and he doesn't understand it himself. Maybe the age I gave you is wrong, but he is confused, and some memory is gone and when I realize this, I am better able to cope with it. I kind of learn from these nurse's aid. I just hang in there and hold on to the positive things.
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Fancicoffee: You had mentioned that your husband had brain surgery. Why might I ask, did he have to have it? You said he was learning at a child of 7-12. Will he ever be himself again? Yes, my father inlaw LOVES WESTERNS! Oh, lordy yes he does. he has read 24 westerns since he has been here, he is addicted to them, and reading...never read before he came here. However he likes those smutty westerns I call them. Maverick, Longarm, and someone else. LMBO! We bought him John Waynes collections of movies for Christmas, he watches them in his room late into the night. ;) Take care, Fancicoffee. Hope to hear from you soon, Jacqueline
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Sounds like a little push came to not a shove but a surprise! That is good, even Clint Eastwood paints some beautiful picture. Does he like westerns? My husband changed in alot of his personality. He used to joke alot, cut up, and sometimes a crude joker at that. Jokes ladies aren't supposed to hear! He is quiet, very compliant, does not even ask for his cigarettes (he used to smoke those awful camels without the filters for about 60 yrs.) he doesn't complain, and doesn't know why he doesn't want to do some things. He just doesn't. He stopped taking his medicine and started dropping his fork and therefore stopped eating alittle. Well, I am glad things are going good for you guys. It is good you are able to laugh, and spend time with him. I am happy for you both!
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