My mom is mean to everyone else in the family that tries to help except me. What can my family do to help take some of the caregiving load off me?


Hi, I just found this site.. I am the main caretaker from my mom. She lives on her own. I do most of the caretaking. Bills,shopping,doctors,cleaning....
I have two sister and one brother but they are all married with familys. I am not so she feels I am the one that should help her.
It is fine when I can but I travel for work and she will not let anyone else help her. She has CODP and bad eye site and a bad heart. Her health has gotten worse. She will not stop smoking. She is very frail . The other day she ran out of the meds she takes. ( I make up a weeks worth at a time. She had the pills in the cabnet but would not tell anyone that her pill case was out of pills. She didnt take her meds for 3 days till I came home from my work travel. Then she tells me it is all my fault. My brother lives next store and is over everday checking on her but she didnt want to bother him and she says it is my fault and I dont care..
She is now gotten very mean and takes it out on me. Making me feel very guilty. My family trys to help but she is mean to everyone.. Any advice ?

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Another caregiver here! Working, last child still at home and looking after both of my declining parents. My siblings and I established a routine family meeting monthly to discuss anything pertinent to do with our parents care. We live in different states and do this by phone. We have agreed this is a 'business meeting' and that emotions need to be kept out of it- the main goal is to care for our parents. This has worked well. We have also enlisted the help of a nurse care manager to assist with navigating us through the healthcare maze and making workable plans of care. Our nurse care manager actually helped us to set up our family meetings and gave tips on how to make these meetings productive instead of melting into arguements and creating hurt feelings. We used and have been very happy with their great advice- money well spent! I agree with sunshinecaregiver about taking very good care of yourself as well. The healthier and more balanced you are will enable you to take on this difficult task with greater ease. As always- find time to play, do things that you love. Taking care of yourself has to be a priority!
Best of luck to you.
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I, too, am a primary caregiver to my mother and understand some of the emotional neediness issues you are describing in your post. Your Mom cannot have it both ways. She is fortunate that your brother is checking on her daily and lives next door. One thing you may want to consider is inviting your brother to meet with you and your Mom one day and telling her that you are concerned about her because your job requires recurring travel and there are many times you will not be there to help her and your brother will be on hand. Let her know that you are not responsible for those days when you are on the road and will not allow yourself to feel guilty when she has a son who cares about her welfare. Also, do you know whether she has dementia or any short-term memory loss? If she does, she truly may have repeatedly forgotten about being out of her pills. Unless she wishes to be hurtful to you, that may not be an act. It may be early signs of dementia. Is there anything else you are noticing with her? The other thing that comes to mind is that her anger is normal in context of her health declining and increasing loss of control. How old is your Mom, if you don't mind my asking? Do you or your brother fo with her to her doctor's appointments? May be time to start joining her if you have not already done so, and listening to what she has to say to he doctor and vice versa. Sounds like she may need a family advocate during those visits to help her doctor in her course of treatment. As for her arguing with you, try playing some soothing CD music that may help to calm her nerves...and yours! You may want to read "I Need Some Motivational Advice" blog discussion thread. I found it very therapeutic even though not everything applies to my own caregiving situation. Keep sharing. It helps. And, don't forget to treat yourself on those business trips. When I traveled a lot for my job, I would always did something I enjoyed at the end of the trip. Sometimes I would go to see a play on Broadway, or go to my favorite Italian, or French restaurant, or take a bus ride
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