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Stress leval is high within the family after over a year of watching and careing for her.
I feel nursing home care would be good or at least home care assistance. Moms mind is not always clear so she does make some poor choices.
Should be go with doctors choice or stand up to him and say no.

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I have a sister who often responds the same way to our Mother. However she is far away and not watching it!
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Thanks to everone for all there input. I truely belieave what I have done is the best for my health at this point in time. Mom has not been deamed unable to make choice and this is her choice not mine. I have to let it be at that for now. Family has been made aware. They have all said I was doing far to much so now lets see what they will do. Mom knows I am here and if she needs me to call. Isn't life grand! Again thanks for all the support and advice.
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Along with all of the good advice above I must add, along with Marianne - Are you the one to make the decision? Why? What part do the rest of the family members play? I have said this time and time again, it is really easy for other family members who are not personally invested in the care of a parent to stand by and let someone else make the decision and then criticize. That is real easy! How are the views from the cheap seats? comes to mind. If doctors think it is best for her, give their opinions higher priority than the dillitantes.
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Today I have let go!
Took Mom to visit and talk with an assistant living facility that she had chose. As soon as she was told they did not allow smoking she said then “I guess I will stay home”. Until then she had been ready and looking forward to going. She had been told that they do not allow smoking but I guess she had to hear it from them.

My sister who has always said “just leave her alone and let her die doing what she wants to do” Now says she could take care of moms need by herself.

At this point I said I had to let go because I had done everything I could possible do for two years now. Mom is not willing to help herself. My mind and nerves are now shattered.

I love my mom but I can no longer watch her die her way. I have to take care of my own health.
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Your question is 'what decision should you make' in regards to your Mother going into a care home and that your family members disagrees with the Doctor to put her into one. Therefore, are you the one that decides? If not, then let the other family members decide. Decisions are easy to make when the outcome doesn't effect you. It is easy for others to disagree as they are not the ones who takes on the responsibility of care. Listen to all involved and look at the care needs of your Mother. There are some good homes out there and with daily visits it can be managed, on the other hand when one lives at homes the responsibilty is massive. We want the best for our love ones and this cannot always be offered due to various factors, so we have to work with what is available and learn to trust others to help the frail and ourselves. My Mother is in a Nursing home and I fight with myself every day, thinking she should be living with me. But in reality, how much can I offer. She repeats herself constantly and after a few hours I can feel myself getting low in mood, I love her so much, but know I could not cope alone. Basically, each case is different, some people care for their love ones at home, but each one has different needs, such as: are they mobile, do they have dementia/depression. My Mother can no longer walk, so this means every time she needs the toilet she is hoisted, same with showering etc. I wish you luck with whatever decision you make, just make sure it is an informed decision and 2nd opinions are a good idea.
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I have my 90 year old Dad living with me. He has dementia and is at times a handful. I tried assisted living which is cheaper than a nursing home. But, they don't give the one on one attention needed. So many times I would find my Dad was not being taken care of. I thought of a nursing home, but that is even worse. His friend who I am her POA/HCP lives in one now she suffers from Alzheimers. They do nothing for her. I fight I argue and they are sometimes blind to what you already know about this person. I am keeping my Dad at home. I have someone come in 5 days a weeks to just spend time with him and make sure he is eating. I know he will never be happy no matter what I do the dementia steals who they really are away. But I know in my heart he is well taken care of. If you have family and friends who can help you my suggestion is KEEP THEM HOME. I always say he gave so much to me this is the least I can do. I also work full time. It is difficult but very rewarding in the end.
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Well, I would first have to ask, does she go to the hospital a lot? The hospital might be sick of having her drop in. Does the doctor own, or is he a part owner in the nursing homes around? If the answers are no to the above, maybe take her to 2 more docs, and see what they think. If 2 out of 3 agree that she needs that type of ivasive care then you should do it. If you think it is in her best interest, then you should do it. If your mom wants to, then you should do it. If your mom doesn't want it, hire in home care if you can. Remember, she is a human being. Make sure you choose a nice home if you do. A lot of abuse happens if you get the wrong ones. Good luck.
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I agree with all the above comments... Often when one of our elder loved ones become somewhat confused or seem unable to make decisions Doctors want to put them in a nursing home. However if home care is available and she just needs more attention and supervision I say find some home care help!!! Most hospitals offer home care and there are also MANY good private agencies. When my Grandmother could not be left alone we moved her into my house. She stayed with us for several months. I had two small children at the time and they love GREAT grandma... She loved being with us and we loved having her. My two small children are grown men now... they have wonderful memories of Great Grandma and they are both very caring people! Sorry I am babbling... check into home care... take care and God bless...
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G:

Listen to these ladies. They're right on the money. Good luck my friend.
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You must ask her doctor why he feels that she should be in a nursing home. Make him give you specific answers. Does she fail to take medications as prescribed? Is she getting repeat urinary tract infections? Is she eating properly? Is she bathing regularly? Is her medical condition unstable? Does she have chronic issues like diabetes, blood pressure, heart disease, etc? Does he feel she needs daily nursing supervision? There is no motivation for a doctor to make such a recommendation unless he is concerned for her welfare. He might also be concerned about the family's ability to cope if she continues to decline and you keep her at home. Trust me, I've been there and I could not do it for long. It is so stressful - physically and emotionally. I nearly ruined my own back trying to help mom. I finally realized that she could be more severely injured by ME trying to take care of her alone at home. If I'd dropped her or if we both fell as I was moving her from bed to wheelchair or wheelchair to toilet, I could fall on her and cause an even worse injury. Nursing homes also have all of the proper and safe equipment - tubs, showers, large toilet rooms, lifts, vans, wheelchairs, etc.. that we can't get in a private home without remodeling. It CAN be safer.
Best of luck to you and to your mom.
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What are the doctor's reasons for making that recomendation? Could those concerns be met with in-home care?

If she stays at home without professional in-home care, how will "we" take care of her? Often the responsibility falls mainly on one family member. Think carefully about what this would do to income, career growth, social life, and all aspects of the life of the "volunteer" caregiver. If the doctor thinks she needs a nursing home, that implies 24/7 care is needed. This isn't just a drop in a few times a day kind of need.

Think carefully what she needs, and how you could meet those needs, within or outside of a nursing home. Make the best decision you can on behalf of your mother. Don't worry about "standing up to" the doctor. That is not the important issue here.
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Please consider home health care to where she is not ever left alone. If she is making some poor decision choices, please make sure she is watched carefully and has company. Check into MERP,(Medicaid Recovery Program). Also, do not ever give her paxil, nor Wellbutrin for depression, it is a bad drug and makes one more depressed. Good Luck to you.
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There are some further questions you can ask. Who (what agency) would provide home care? Is "mom" eligible for Medicare/Medicaid benefits? What would that cover? What would the financial impact be on the family to admit her to a nursing home? Your local hospital should be able to connect you with the home care department who should have a social worker who could help with these questions. Don't think of it as 'standing up to the doctor" but inquiring to get more information to help your family make the best decision considering all options available.
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