When should family consider a higher level of care?

JaneB. Just guilt about not being able to keep her in my home any longer and I promised I would never do that. It is impacting my marriage and my family life as her dementia increases and I can't leave the house too much. I work all day and feel guilty as she sits there all day long and she pees the bed and can't cook for herself. We watch her on cameras for her safety during the day. I don't trust people coming into my home while I'm at work to give her assistance although she needs it. I have visited numerous facilities and in my heart I know that this may be better for her. She will have people around, her family that we don't speak with can go visit her and I just think it would be in her best interest. I know what I want to do and what she needs but my heart aches to take her away from her "home" and her family. How do I get past that and not cry everytime I think about it? She is having surgery Saturday so we may be able to take this opportunity to put her in AL after she goes for physical therapy and it will make it an easier transition since she will think it's related to her arm therapy. I guess the social workers will advise us on the best plan for mom.

italianbabs, my heart goes out to you. You made a mistake when you promised to keep Mom home her entire life. None of us can foresee the future and what needs will arise. I have promised my husband I will always see that he has the best care possible. Both of us know that some day that may mean placement in a care center.

You made a mistake, but it was well meant and done in love (and a little ignorance). Forgive yourself for that mistake and then move forward with correcting it. Your mother deserves the best care she can get, not the best care based on what you didn't know several years ago.

Maybe their will be some tears to go along with this decision. Cry if you must, but move forward with what is best for Mother.

Caregiving seems to involve a certain inevitable amount of guilt. If you keep Mom home you'll always wonder guiltily whether she would be better off in a professional care setting. Accept the guilt, push it to the background, and take the best actions you can in the interest of your loved one. Caregivers can't be paralized by guilt and also do the best job of caregiving.

Good luck to you and your mother.

I thought a person with dementia could not go into an assisted living facility? I was told that they needed to go to a nursing home?

Debi1306, never feel like you are giving up. Giving up means you would have turned a blind eye to the problems your mom was facing hoping they would go away.

You know she needs more care.
The question is what are the options you can afford, both in money and in time.

I believe that she needs Assisted Living care. The functions of daily life are : eating, bathing, ambulation, feeding oneself, and using the toilet by oneself.

I am wondering the same thing. My mom can't cook or make anything to eat or a cup of hot tea anymore. So everying thinks that is the time to make the transition? I can't get over my guilt so how do you get past that? I love this website. You can get any question answered and you don't even have to ask the question as someone is always thinking the same way you are. Thanks caregivers! You are all the best......

I elected to get full time care, live in , one person 5 days a week and one person for the weekends. It might be appropriate to see a neurologist and possibly get mom on something like Aricept and Namenda. Your mom needs to find someone she can trust, and a live in would help with all of that, as opposed to assisted living. Also, see an elder care attorney to get her finances in order to protect what she has since she may require state assistance for home care. and eventually nursing home care. In my state, there is only a 3 month look back period to apply for medicaid long term home care. It may not be the time to transfer her yet if you want to pursue other means of keeping her safe and in her home. You could also hire someone for 12 hours each day for meals, meds and getting ready for bed, but your mom will eventually need 24hours. This can be very costly, but I advertised in the newspaper for someone with my mom's ehtnic heritage and just asked for a companion, health aide at first. You can pay them $10-12 per hour per day, but this will require lots of supervision on your part and that has to be considered. See a neurologist and a lawyer to look at medical needs and financial asset preservation . Good luck

There are assisted living places that are geared just for the care of dementia/alzhemiers people. My brother and I are at the point were we need to make that decision for our mom. Our doctor said that often times people with dementia/alzhemiers improve when they are placed as they have a schedule, regular meals and social interaction.

I understand your guilt. We have had to make the same choice. Mother moves into Assisted Living June 1st. She hates us for it but she is no longer safe alone. Hasn't been fixing her own meals and I can't always be there to feed her. Also, has some bladder and bowel control problems. I just can't do the "clean up" anymore and worrying about her alone at night makes for very little sleep. Sooooo.... in short, we made the decision. I still feel like I have given up, etc. Just know that you are doing what is right for all of you - your peace of mind and your parents safety. Hugs to you and know we are thinking of you!