How do I deal with family members who treat my mom's house like a country club?

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Okay. i don't want to be a witch, but here it goes. my husband anf i live with my mother and i am her full time caregiver. we share bills and we buy most groceries. i do all housework. my problem isn't my siblings. they rarely visit. thsts a whole other issue. my problem is het grandkids. she has 7. including my 2 children. not bragging, just stating a fact, when my grown children visit they help pick up the house. they sometimes bring food with them. my nieces and nephews come over with their kids and trash the house and clean out the fridge and cupboards. i respect that this is their grandma's home. by all meansvisit. but thry do not seem to understand that things have changed. my mom cannot handle the amount of company that she used to. she sleeps much of the timr and is not well. they are very aware of this. most of the time they aren't even hete to see her. sometimes don't even go in her room to say hello. this is becoming a real problem. we live here. this is our home too. its like a revolving door here. i have to constantly clean up after them, watch their kids. they clean us out of food. its a nightmare. if she was living in my home, this wouldn't happen. it has to end. they are all adults with families now. they have to realize that this isn't the granny's house from when they were kids. i have enoygh stress as it is. i can't move out or even leave for the weekend. they don't offer to help my mom or give me a hand with her. as i am writing this, my nephew is here with his 3 kids. my mom is sleeping. he is over at the neighbors visiting. his kids are running through the house screaming. i have chosen to lock myself ib mt bedroom and let my husband deal with it. i will have to do clean up though. do i have a right to voice my opinion since its my moms hoyse? She is strange aboyt stuff luke that. she might get angry with me. but a part of me thinks that she needs to realuze that things have changed. she is 84 and in very pior health. she needs a caregiver and that is me. i can only take so much more of this! advice?

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It is not easy being the adult and setting rules but it is something you have to do. While my Mother was living with us we had the same problem. My siblings would appear whenever and just sit watching TV until they were good and ready to go home. They got upset that I did not prepare dinner to include them.

After a few weeks the boundaries were set down as to what time visiting hours were and limits on how much visiting was allowed on weekends.

My Mother also slept a lot and we all needed a little down time in the evenings and on weekends without the constant company.

Our home is and was not a public facility open 24/7. This made us the terrible people in the family but it gave us a little sanity. 24/7 caregiving for someone unable to do anything for themselves is physically and emotionally draining and until someone walks in our shoes for for 6 months or more...they have no idea!

Best of luck!
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I have had the same issues with my mom. I don't live with her but I am her DPOA. I gutted her filthy house and remodeled and refurnished it. I will not see it destroyed by non-caring relatives. So, yes, I DO set rules for her house - especially where the kids are concerned. She has a caregiver and it is not fair that she should have to clean up after them. Don't be afraid to do what is in your mom's best interest. Just let 'em know there is a "new sheriff in town" and there are new rules.
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You have a good attitude. They are not the enemy. It is hard to understand their callous behavior, but if they grew up behaving this way and no one has ever explained the facts of elderly illness to them, maybe they can be excused for not having much imagination. That is why you'll be very kind and sympathetic and regretful as you explain the new facts of life to them.

Good luck, and do come back and post how this goes.
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I think that i needed someone to say what i know is true. thank you. you are totally correct. that i know. now it's time for me to have a talk with them. i have been putting it off as not to offend anyone. especially mom. my husband doesn't deserve this. We have no peace at all in this house. you are right, my mom's care gets neglected too. they even go in our bedroom and act like they have every right. they are not the enemy. i love them. but i just cant understand why they think this behavior is ok. I think that my kids are more considerate about it because i am their mom. they know the stress that their dad and i are under.. thanks so much. i needed back up that i am not just being a grump. i love the fee for the sandwich thing! how true.
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And, by the way, if this were a country club, they'd pay dearly for their membership and each and every turkey sandwich they pull from the fridge! :)
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This is your house, too. You might not be on the deed but you have as much control over the house as if you were renters -- which in a sense you are, exchanging care for rent. So speak up for yourself!

Kindly and calmly have a conversation with each family. It is sad that things have changed since the nieces and nephews were the little kids visiting, but, alas, they have changed. Explain that money is tight and that unfortunately means no more "open refrigerator" policy. Auntie needs her rest and a calm atmosphere. They are always welcome to visit, but the visits have to be planned ahead, and cannot last more than two hours. Be kind. Do not accuse. Do not criticize past behavior. Just lay out the new rules in a matter-of-fact and polite way.

It is not fair to leave your husband to deal with this chaos. It is not fair to your mother to be ignored while visitors make themselves at home. It is not fair to you to add to the already overwhelming burden of caregiving. Step up and insist (kindly) on changes. This is your house because you are living there, and it is your responsibility because you are taking care of Mother. Tame this chaos!
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