How do I explain to my sibling that my bank account has been depleted while caring for our father the past 5 years?

Asked by

Answers 1 to 10 of 14
ha ha ha ha ha...I don't think they care. It's your gift to your father, your choice...are those the kinds of comments you are up against? The deadbeat siblings have legal right to help as much as they want...and how many just don't want to.

However, really, this is all too typical...but we'd need more info to better give real answer. My favorite topic is now "informal support." term used by govt and gerontology, in theses, in report. Family caregivers are referred to as Informal Support along with church groups and friendly neighbors. Informal Support means you DO NOT GET PAID.
I just found this out this week and am on a rampage to get the moniker stopped...that we are not Informal Support, but FRONTLINE CAREGIVERS.

Good luck there. other might suggest lawyer, being reimbursed, etc. for more info we'd need to know who has power of attorney POA or conservatorship, if your siblings have helped at all or just stuck you with it...and you assume you will be rewarded for your sacrifice. oh boy...
Keeping close account of said expenditures is the best way. Other wise as calmly as possible remind them it WAS HIS MONEY FOR HIS NEEDS and as long as you were not spending it recklessly or going out Vegas with it.... There isn't much more that Can be said really. Good luck and remember no yelling or name calling.....
Hi Dee---Caretaking for another can definately deplete ones bank account---very easily. Can you have a family meeting, and just lay the cards out to your siblings-perhaps they do not realize the financial burden you are under-and if they do not volunteer to be of assistance, I would POINT BLANK ask them . You may also want to opt to speak with an authority about this, in your community, who knows the laws, and ins and outs of obtaining financial help, as there may be someway-somehow that can possibly be done. If your Dad is in a facility, then Medicade-if he is eligible-I believe kicks in.
Best to you in this delimna~
Hap
There is a lot of info on the net regarding costs to the caregiver. The 1999 MetLife study stated "the average working caregiver is subject to a loss of more than $659,000 over their lifetime," That was based on lost wages and diminished social security and retirement benefits.

It is also "late-breaking news" in the sense that there have been some powerful articles just in the last couple of days. Search for "Missed career opportunities" and you'll find something that came out yesterday.

Maybe if you arm yourself with a lot of facts it will help.
Forget about those losers. What you need to do is concentrate on here and now. Including non-caring siblings in this subject is just a waste of precious time and energy, time and energy you could be putting to good use for YOUR future.
First of all, if you haven't already, get your name added to your Dad's bank accounts. Pay his bills out of his money he gets from his retirement funds. Do NOT feel guilty about not using YOUR money to pay for things. Sure, it's sort of obligation to buy groceries, but you have to think of it this way, if he was in a nursing home, they would be stripping every dollar from him and also setting up leans against his assets WHEN the final bill comes in. Non-caring siblings seem to think if one of the family is taking care of the elder, they are automatically suppose to do it without being paid to do it. It's expected of you to just DO it. Call a few home health places and see what they charge to come out and just SIT with the elder to keep them company. I told my sister that she needed to add up all the years of taking care of Mom, at 18.00 an hour and it would end up my Mom would owe ME. She hasn't mentioned anything about finances since. You deserve compensation for what you are doing, and if you don't take it, you will end up living under a bridge. I'm not sure what your circumstances are, but if you are working part time, ALL of that money needs to be going towards YOUR future.
if you do take money to pay yourself, you could be charged with financial elder abuse. For me to be paid something extra...I would have to sue in court...and guess what a lawyer costs? $480 hour. The free senior law service is so pitiful as not to exist...few apts full through Dec and no new calendar set up. Cornered again. But then i am SO very informally supportive...
If the elder is being abused, neglected, bills unpaid, then I would understand the charge of financial elder abuse. My Mother wants for NOTHING. She is actually spoiled! And EVERYBODY that looks in from the outside can only speculate, accuse, discourage, etc....like I've said many times, if you are going to take care of your elder parent, do it by YOUR rules and it usually ends up a smooth road. Have you ever seen that mosquito killing hat? It has 5 or 6 fly swatters that slap each other constantly, I would like to patent a human slapping machine like that when someone comes in to try to upheave your hard work!!!
YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN get paid for taking care of a parent. I have been to 4 lawyers to keep checking to make SURE all is well and its all legal. You make out a caretakers agreement with your parent that she will pay you say 8 hours a day at $15 an hour, etc....whatever she wants to pay you. IF she is incompetent the DPOA can d this and sign it. Just in our town alone we have 7 families with caretaker contracts, I learned this from our accountant we also had to get because you have to pay about 30% of the money to the IRS and it all has to be documented. Good luck.
In my case, he doesn't want to pay us...Heard to many idiot cab drives say..."Well they took care of us when we were kids..." Crap lot you know bud! So I have No money, and he still gets enough that it goes into his savings every month!
Dear Dee, I am in this same situation. My husband and I have taken care of my mother in law for the past 12 years. When she was better and at home, she ate with us, went on vacation with us, did everything with us. I gained a family member and another mouth to feed. I am greatful for it. You see my kids have memories..they remember her differently, before Alzheimers stole her from us.
Four years ago, we had to place her in a Assisted Living facility. My husband and I have been helping finance her care since then also. We are buying her house because we could not sell it on the market because of disrepair. We have an elder attorney that we consult to make sure we are protecting her. But it just doesn't seem fair. My kids are teens and we can't do the things we used to do...like vacations and even nights at the movies. Now we pay for diapers with our extra money.
I would have her at home. I have alot of medical problems and have to have my colon removed. She got worse with the Alzheimers and I was so sick and in the hospital all the time. My oldest son is also disabled. He had 30 operations in 18 years to help him walk. We would be hundreds of miles away and get phone calls from neighbors saying that they couldn't find Mom.
The other kids didn't help then either. No one has ever asked us how things were being paid. They have never bought a pack of diapers...
She fell out of bed in the spring and fractured her back and I called the family and they did come to see her. She doesn't remember as soon as you go out the door so I guess they figure "What is the use!".
The truth is, I don't count on anyone but my family...Mom knew we would never turn our back on her no matter what and believe me that has been tested over the years. But we never have...we have always taken care of her. I just don't understand how people can just walk away or deny that anything is going on. I have been around alot and it seems that the responsibility always falls on one caregiver.
Mom said things to the other boys years ago and they quit coming to see her and they really don't talk to us much. We contact them when there is an emergency. Otherwise, we don't know if they come to visit. The nurses tell us that no one comes in...
You are not alone...If your finances are depleted, I am sure that your parents is also. They will then qualify for medicaid. There are some good facilities out there that will accept this as payment for the bill and give the parent a stipend for the month out of their check. You will know how good the facility is because you will be in there all the time to visit. This will also give you some time to redirect and focus on your family and your health. Don't let yourself go like I did.
Dee, and remember that sometimes a facility is best. For Mom, she met a male friend and I would take them dancing and to school plays and picnics. They would have "spats" but they both had memory issues so within minutes, they forgot they were mad at each other. Also, there are activities and church and fellowship with other people, 24/7. Mom would listen to me anymore, she wouldn't change her clothes or bathe or take her meds. The other kids didn't notice because even when she was well, they didn't come around or call.
The truth is, they never really went out of their way. She was our "Framma". She was a very important part of our life. Our lives revolved around each other.
There was and continures to be room for everyone but there are always excuses. We take her out when possible and we take her out for all the holidays and birthdays. None of those things have ever changed even though she is in diapers now and never knows where she is. I don't care because every once in a while, we get a glimpse of Mom the way she used to be and we live for those moments.
My parents spent alot of money raising me and now I feel that I am here to take care of her. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have my husband and she raised him to be a wonderful person.
Please know you are not alone and contact me if you need someone to talk with. Keep records of what you have spent money on and don't be afraid to see what is available to help your situation.
Even if you can't talk to your siblings, use this network. I discuss things on here that I couldn't say to anyone just because I know that there are people here who understand everything I am saying. God Bless!

Share your answer

Please enter your Answer

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support