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Mom passed yesterday. All my friends are telling me they are sorry. what do you say to that ?
I wish Id had one of those close relationships with my mom like you see on tv. The kind where they sit around and chat about everything, and can tell each other anything. Instead my mother was vindictive and would hold things against you. We hadnt been close since i was a small child.
Her sister took it upon herself to take over . Acting like a saint, spending every day with Mom while she was in the nursing home. Ihave 2 kids and work full time. I thought she ws in the safest place, and couldnt hurt herself. but my aunt made it very clear that mom wanted to die at home. I was never ok with this. Had mom still been at home, my aunt wouldnt have been spending time with her, and Mom wouldve been at home, and my daughter wouldv been the one that found her after school.Instead, mom and my aunt had spent the day together, and my aunt as there when mom passed. Now my aunt and her friends believe she needs praise for the period of time that she actually did spend with mom. Im at a loss. not only is mom gone but now my aunt is bieng such a self serving witch that i dont want to speak to her at all. I sent her an email saying that i knew mom loved the time they spent together. I didnt mention the fact that when mom moved, i was disowned, and removed from the contact list at the NH... Im pretty sure my aunt fed into the dillusional thinking that id abandoned Mom, as she wouldnt even look at me when id go see her..
Im sure im rambling, and leaving out aolt of info, sorry, i had to let it out someplace.......

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Thank you. That is what you say to people offering condolences. "I'm sorry for your loss." "Thank you." That is just standard social convention. In times like these it is convenient to have social conventions to fall back on.

You are not required to set the speaker straight about the true nature of your relationship with Mother or with Aunt or that the loss was really many years ago, etc. etc. I hope you have a good friend or two with whom you can let it all hang out and share your feelings in depth. But it isn't necessary or appropriate to do that with everyone who learns of your mother's death and offers you an "I'm sorry."

Let your aunt bask in whatever praise she is offered. You did the conventionally appropriate thing by thanking her.

Give yourself time to grieve, for the things that might have been but never were. And then get on with your life. Disregard all the drama of who thinks something should have been handled differently or somebody behaved badly or saintly. That is all in the past. Move forward.

And I am sorry for your loss.
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Shortmomma1: Everything you did over the years was the best you could do for your mom. Geez, she lived with you for 8 years. I can't imagine trying to raise your family, work full time, and take care of her too. Plus, she was way beyond being safe on her own and you did the right thing placing her in the NH.

I'm sorry your aunt feels the need to be a martyr and that she can't reach out to you and give you the much deserved credit you deserve. To hell with her and her silly friends. Visiting a nursing home is not even close to what you did for so long.

If your friends are saying they are sorry, maybe they are more sorry for you than for your mom passing. I would be. If they know your story, just say, "Thanks, I know you understand."

Take care of yourself. You can't change the behavior of others as much as you would like too. Hug your kids. Your a great mom and you were an amazing daughter.

Love and Hugs, Cattails.
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