How do you deal with an employer who is pushing you to make the choice between work and caring for an elderly loved one?

Remind your boss that the government protects your job with family leave time if you need it. They can work with you or work around you being gone. Actually, I'd like to see you drop your mom off at the boss' house for a week. Karma will win out and someday your boss will be ashamed. Hold your ground.

DTFLEX:

Darned if you do and darned if you don't, right? Since you can't have your cake and it it too, eventually you'll have to make a choice. ... Or your boss is going to make it for you.

Elizza made some wonderful suggestions you shouldn't ignore. You can, for instance, (1) take medical leave until your mom is stable and the hired caregivers "crises" are over; (2) resign if you can afford being out of work; (3) make your boss' life miserable until he/she fires you, then file for unemployment and take care of your mom for 6 months; (4) talk with your mother, explain your job situation, and ask her to cooperate a little (do the same with your siblings); (5) put your mom in a nursing home; or (6) get on the pity pot and wait for everything to go away -- including your livelihood.

I advise you against holding your boss accountable for your situation and misfortunes. If I were him/her, I'd also ask you to decide what's more important. He/she has a business to run, you entered into an agreement when hired, not-so-unforeseen circumstances arose that keep you from performing your duties and earning that paycheck, and now it seems you're looking for a loophole that will allow you to take days off to take care of your mother even when there's hired help available (albeit in crisis) and hang on to a steady paycheck. The way it looks, and judging from the information you've given here, you can't have both. Good luck.

-- ED

you should remind your boss of the Family Leave Act. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_and_Medical_Leave_Act_of_1993
as mentioned by the previous posters.

I agree with the responses given. You need to talk with your boss, remind him of your rights, and ask him how you two can work together. He has legitimate needs as well and one of them is to understand better what he can expect from you. Of course, a crisis or emergency cannot be foreseen, but you have to be sure it IS a crisis before you skip work. Regular appointments should be told to your boss in advance. You have rights and he may not ignore them, but asserting your rights and making him upset won't help you, either.

Unfortunately there are exceptions to the FMLA and it looks like you are one of them:

The federal FMLA does not apply to:

* workers in businesses with fewer than 50 employees (this threshold does not apply to public agency employers and local educational agencies);
* part-time workers who have worked less than 1,250 hours within the 12 months preceding the leave;
* workers who need time off to care for seriously ill domestic partners, children of domestic partners or seriously ill elderly relatives;
* workers who need time off to recover from short-term or common illness like a cold, or to care for a family member with a short-term illness; and
* workers who need time off for routine medical care, such as check-ups.

I ran into the same issue. I'm an only child and had to take time off when my parents took ill. They were in NJ and I was in CT. I had to move them into assisted living here in CT. My boss told me I had an "attendance problem". I'm sure that was a factor in the decision to vote me off the island when the company had a layoff. My female boss was much more lenient with a female coworker who took off nearly a month after her brother-in-law died because "her sister needed her".

I'm sorry to say that how your boss handles this is discretionary.

dtflex my hugs to you. My ex-boss too was like that. Since he is a rich politician in my town, he will never understand how it feels to be torn between a trying to hold down a job and caring for an elderly parent. My boss has so many "staff" who can do the caring for his own elderly parents, this staff being paid by taxpayers money.

Now for ordinary folks like us, I gave up on the idea of hiring caregivers whether part time or full time! I give up! And maybe I pray i will never have to hire one even if another medical crisis happen. I simply know this is the era of maid-less generation. Simply put: most partime/fulltime caregivers lasts a few days/weeks only. After that you're on your own again. I've proven this time and time again. It's hard. But in my care I learn to work around it. I don't push myself to do things that I can not simply do for lack of time or money. I juggle my time among my govt job and my duty as the primary breadwinner for my family/primary caregiver for my mom. I feel soooo stressed out, drain and groggy foggy brain.. Just wanna cheer you up. some issues here simply has no other solution but for us to do it... and in the course of doing it, letting go of another. I've also toyed with the idea of resigning so that I can go full time... My polls here showed that most members of this site are willing to resign from their jobs so they can care for their parents. But I didn't heed the polls' results as I know that my job is the only means to sustain my mom's needs, expenses medications. Also my job helps me to detach from my caregiving duties and have a few hours of space for my own personal growth. Good night, just wanna send my prayers & hugs to you. Night night everyone!!

mhmarfil, I easily identify with everything you have shared. It is very difficult and you have summed it up very well in my opinion. Wish the real picture were a whole lot rosier than you have suggested. I don't think it is, either. Thanks for sharing. I needed to read and hear your words today, especially. May you find continued strength within to keep caring and sharing in the way that you do for your mother. You are both blessed to have each other.

First read the laws. The FMLA has restrictions. Your employer has to have X number of employees withing a certain mile range. It isn't across the board. I am glad I held my tongue when my boss told me I'd have to quit if my Mother-in-law came to live with us. Be prudent, choose your words wisely. Do not get under the gun and blurt out things you may have to retract later.

KarenBeth,

I think your parents would understand "Mom and Dad, if I don't work, there will not be any money to pay bills and to provide for food as well as clothing." I'd keep it simple.

How much longer do you think they can keep liiving on the farm?

As an add on to everyone's good advice about FLMA etc, you would be wise to polish your resume & start looking for a more family friendly company - either big or small. The gov can only protect you so far and reality says that with an attitude like that it is only a matter of time before you are forced to make choices that you may not want to make, or have them made for you - even replaced. Don't tell them, but do go online & start looking. Talking to you that way is a red flag; and if you are already under stress, then it will make your life even harder during a tough time. You didn't say what you do, what type of co, or what your status is (full, p/t, ??) but regardless you must be protective for yourself, and by extension even your parents.
When I was first juggling a desperately ill parent, and other issues, I was approached by a company that had had my resume on file. When I interviewed they offered me the job, and then made the off hand comment about putting my mom in a home since I would be so busy. Needless to say I didn't accept that job, and have managed to find other clients that allow me to keep her at my home. Tough economies bring out the worst sometimes, but don't let them scare you into being afraid no one else will hire you. How many others out there have gone through this?