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I visited my Dad in the NH and each time, (after his strokes), he either had bruises on his legs, (from the hoyer), they said, and 2 times, he was soaked in pee, to the neck. He begged me to take him out, and I did. I took care of him full time for 2 yrs, until he died, but he was dry, happy, no bruises, well fed, enjoyed the flowers, sunshine, sitting by his window, tv, desserts, and I'm glad I took him out of there. It must be awful for the elderly, being there, and begging to get out, I couldnt endure it, so since I was home, I brought him home with me. Mom continued living alone at their house. We tryed to let him visit, but Mom couldnt do the care, so we brought her, to him. I was fortunate, I worked at home,,, not all people can just drop their jobs to care for an elder parent. But those of us that can,,,, should. My Mothers tears broke me in half, she looked like a little girl, saying please,,,, get me out of here, there is NO way, I was leaving her.
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I think that you have to do what you have to do. If you could take care of them 24/7 yourself you would. I am sorry that you are going through this. I think people who are judging or critical should just be told to back off...I know that nursing homes have gotten bad press, however there reallyare many wonderful benefits to having a loved one where they can get 24 hrs care and 3 good meals a day. Often as folks age they become somewhat "child like" they cannot reason well and they refuse to try to understand. take care and God Bless
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Seems almost everyone who has to make this decision has the same guilt and what if... feelings. My Mom still puts the guilt rtrip on me after 18 months. It hurts so bad, but there is no way I can care for her 24/7. And like almost everyone on this site, I, too, have siblings that just do not 'get it'. Seems like they have to belittle the one doing the caregiving to soothe their own guilty consciences. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but it hasn't for me. Living 6 hours away just makes it worse after I gave up 3 years to stay with her in her home, she thinks I should still be there. And, yes, the common statement is that we 'threw her way', 'wanted to get rid of her', etc. She doesn't understand, or doesn't want to accept, that she is not being punished; she just can't get up and walk like she used to because of physical problems, not because the staff 'won't let her'. It hurts. And like Secret sister says, God and prayer are the only things that really help. I know He is taking care of my Mom and I take comfort in knowing that He is strengthening me, too, to be able to handle it all.
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Depends on the nursing home, for sure, but no place is perfect. If, if, if we could care for ours at home, we would. That is not always possible. Our loved one's condition is more than we can handle, so must find the next best solution. This does seem to be the hardest decision we've ever had to make. We have two declining rapidly, and cannot stop the process. They are getting the best care possible, and have our constant supervision and involvement. We're 4 minutes away, and are often overseeing their care. But even this is not enough to manage everything.

As for over- or under-medicating, I find this happens, even in the nursing home. Due to limiting factors, they can only do so much. They can't stop the mind's deterioration, or the natural decline eventually leading to death. I try to remember that even "experts" are still "practicing" physicians, and do not have all the answers.

Many of our loved ones are vulnerable, and can't adequately protect themselves. We do the best we can to fill in the gaps, and leave the rest to God in prayer.
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You can only do what you can do with your resources. Those who bad mouth you have no right to do so I'm sorry. You do what YOU think is best. Join a caregiver support group, form friendships with those who have similar experiences. No one in our family would be in their right mind to challenge my sister or I with what we do with our parents. While we did move them to a rented home with live in caregiver, what you are doing is for their own safety. If people aren't willing to put up then they need to shut up, that is my motto. It's tough, but people do not know the challenges of being a caregiver.

Being in a nursing home doesn't have to be forever either. If they are still physically able, you may want to consider an assisted living facility to give them some kind of independence. They have dementia wings and many locations. Assisted living is also much cheaper than a nursing home. Everyone feels guilty in the beginning, but as long as you are on top of things and BE INVOLVED...question the staff, observe the staff--make sure you do visit with your parents, then things will start to get better.
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My Mom is in a nursing home and they treat her great.
I don't know what kind of NH's you have there but we have very nice ones.
As far as just a place to die, in reality, so is your home, sorry.
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nobody wants to be in nursing home , i for one dont want tobe in there either , yees nusrin home is a place to die and theyre no dummy . its killin them .
dad stayed in the rehab for 2 weeks and i often come in to ck on him and find him sittin in wheel chair , cryin to go to his room they tell him no . he has bad back andbed sores and he wants to get offthe wheel chair bad . it makesme so sick to my stomach , they have nerve to tell my dad no ! he is a grown man and shouldnt be told no !! he has the rights to do what he wants to do that will make him comfertable . after the rehab was over i took him home to where he could be comfertable and be himself and feel safe ,,,,
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