How can I get through the fact that my parents are upset that I put them in a nursing home?.

nobody wants to be in nursing home , i for one dont want tobe in there either , yees nusrin home is a place to die and theyre no dummy . its killin them .
dad stayed in the rehab for 2 weeks and i often come in to ck on him and find him sittin in wheel chair , cryin to go to his room they tell him no . he has bad back andbed sores and he wants to get offthe wheel chair bad . it makesme so sick to my stomach , they have nerve to tell my dad no ! he is a grown man and shouldnt be told no !! he has the rights to do what he wants to do that will make him comfertable . after the rehab was over i took him home to where he could be comfertable and be himself and feel safe ,,,,

My Mom is in a nursing home and they treat her great.
I don't know what kind of NH's you have there but we have very nice ones.
As far as just a place to die, in reality, so is your home, sorry.

You can only do what you can do with your resources. Those who bad mouth you have no right to do so I'm sorry. You do what YOU think is best. Join a caregiver support group, form friendships with those who have similar experiences. No one in our family would be in their right mind to challenge my sister or I with what we do with our parents. While we did move them to a rented home with live in caregiver, what you are doing is for their own safety. If people aren't willing to put up then they need to shut up, that is my motto. It's tough, but people do not know the challenges of being a caregiver.

Being in a nursing home doesn't have to be forever either. If they are still physically able, you may want to consider an assisted living facility to give them some kind of independence. They have dementia wings and many locations. Assisted living is also much cheaper than a nursing home. Everyone feels guilty in the beginning, but as long as you are on top of things and BE INVOLVED...question the staff, observe the staff--make sure you do visit with your parents, then things will start to get better.

Depends on the nursing home, for sure, but no place is perfect. If, if, if we could care for ours at home, we would. That is not always possible. Our loved one's condition is more than we can handle, so must find the next best solution. This does seem to be the hardest decision we've ever had to make. We have two declining rapidly, and cannot stop the process. They are getting the best care possible, and have our constant supervision and involvement. We're 4 minutes away, and are often overseeing their care. But even this is not enough to manage everything.

As for over- or under-medicating, I find this happens, even in the nursing home. Due to limiting factors, they can only do so much. They can't stop the mind's deterioration, or the natural decline eventually leading to death. I try to remember that even "experts" are still "practicing" physicians, and do not have all the answers.

Many of our loved ones are vulnerable, and can't adequately protect themselves. We do the best we can to fill in the gaps, and leave the rest to God in prayer.

Seems almost everyone who has to make this decision has the same guilt and what if... feelings. My Mom still puts the guilt rtrip on me after 18 months. It hurts so bad, but there is no way I can care for her 24/7. And like almost everyone on this site, I, too, have siblings that just do not 'get it'. Seems like they have to belittle the one doing the caregiving to soothe their own guilty consciences. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but it hasn't for me. Living 6 hours away just makes it worse after I gave up 3 years to stay with her in her home, she thinks I should still be there. And, yes, the common statement is that we 'threw her way', 'wanted to get rid of her', etc. She doesn't understand, or doesn't want to accept, that she is not being punished; she just can't get up and walk like she used to because of physical problems, not because the staff 'won't let her'. It hurts. And like Secret sister says, God and prayer are the only things that really help. I know He is taking care of my Mom and I take comfort in knowing that He is strengthening me, too, to be able to handle it all.

I think that you have to do what you have to do. If you could take care of them 24/7 yourself you would. I am sorry that you are going through this. I think people who are judging or critical should just be told to back off...I know that nursing homes have gotten bad press, however there reallyare many wonderful benefits to having a loved one where they can get 24 hrs care and 3 good meals a day. Often as folks age they become somewhat "child like" they cannot reason well and they refuse to try to understand. take care and God Bless

I visited my Dad in the NH and each time, (after his strokes), he either had bruises on his legs, (from the hoyer), they said, and 2 times, he was soaked in pee, to the neck. He begged me to take him out, and I did. I took care of him full time for 2 yrs, until he died, but he was dry, happy, no bruises, well fed, enjoyed the flowers, sunshine, sitting by his window, tv, desserts, and I'm glad I took him out of there. It must be awful for the elderly, being there, and begging to get out, I couldnt endure it, so since I was home, I brought him home with me. Mom continued living alone at their house. We tryed to let him visit, but Mom couldnt do the care, so we brought her, to him. I was fortunate, I worked at home,,, not all people can just drop their jobs to care for an elder parent. But those of us that can,,,, should. My Mothers tears broke me in half, she looked like a little girl, saying please,,,, get me out of here, there is NO way, I was leaving her.

Oh I do understand that all nursing homes are not the same and I do understand it is hard. When my Grandfather was ill I went and lived with them and took care of him. When my Grandmother was ill she came and lived with me and I took care of her. The last conversation my Grandfather and I had was about what would become of my Grandma... I told him actually promised him that I would take care of her. My husband is a wonderful man and enabled me to do what I had promised. Many times it is a hard thing to do but I will always, always be glad that I did. Now my own parents are 85 and 82 and we help them... I do hope to care for them as I did my Grandparents. take care and God Bless

Belinda,
It may help you get through the guilt if you think ROLE REVERSAL. At this point in your parents lives they are much like children in their ability to care for themselves and make good, safe choices. On the other hand, you are at a point in your life where you intuitively know how to handle this situation and have the confidence in yourself to do the right thing even if it hurts. Ask yourself what you would want your children to do if they found themselves in your situation. I am sure you would want them to do exactly what you are doing for your parents. Sometimes, love is as hard and cold as steel. This is certainly one of those times for you! If you did not love your parents it would be easy to go into denial like your siblings have and let things fall as they will. Then you would not have to feel any guilt because you could believe that it was your parents own fault if they screwed up. They are adults and should know better than to mess up with medication instructions or get themselves in dangerous situations. So let go of the guilt and continue to do THE RIGHT THING. You will have no regrets. I cannot say the same for your siblings once they experience the finality of your mom and dad's passing.

Hi Belinda~I can understand your feeling of guilt. My thought in the matter is if you have exhausted all other possibilites for both your parents, such as daycare-etc; then you had no choice, but to place them in a nursing home. I am assuming you have looked into the possibility of assisted living for them as well.

The way I look at this is, you did what is best for both your parents, as well as for yourself. Perhaps the staff at the nursing home can help support your feelings on this, or even your parents neurologist.

What may be upsetting to your parents is they may feel as though you have taken away their independence-and unfortunately they are not able to view the whole picture.

It sounds to me you did what is best for everyone involved-and you have to support your own feelings in this decision---If you have some time, perhaps going to some support group meetings of your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association will be of value.The Alz Assoc-also has a hotline that is open 24/7-and that number is 1-800-272-3900.

I personally have gone thru this caregiver journey, and know what it is like to place someone in a facility. I also realize how VITAL caregiver support is. It is important that you DO NOT compromise your own health-which is so easy to do.

Stay strong, and do not let your emotions get the best of you-as for the others in your family, the situation is what it is.

Good luck!

Hap

God and prayer have been the most helpful for me in this journey :) Also, other people on this site!

Don't feel bad that you put them in a nursing home. They're gonna cry and complain until they get used to it. My m-i-l was still complaining about being in one, away from her home, 2 months later. After talking to my husband and s-i-l (she has the Durable Power of Atty.), we decided to try her here at our home.
At first, we had all the siblings coming over to help or visit. Now, I'm lucky if my 1st and 3rd s-i-l come over at all. Well the oldest
helps out maybe every 2-3 weeks, but it seems when I call to ask her to sit with her mom, she sighs and says for how long?
It's not like I call her every day or every week and ask her to do it and my husband & I take her over to her house 3/4 of the time,
as well as pick her up. The 3rd just started a new job about 6-8 months ago. The 2nd, who is a lifesaver, takes her at least one night a week every other week. Since my husband, no. 4 child, is out of work right now--he helps me take care of her. I'm Primary Caregiver. Child no. 5, my 4th s-i-l, comes over and helps give her a shower almost every week. We have her going to an elderly Day Care Center 2-3 times/week. She has a nurse there, they do activities (socialization), she gets a hot lunch, and transportation to and fro. A better deal during the day than HHA. Don't get me wrong, HHA are great--they can help you with some of the homemaking, cooking, and give showers/baths. They just can't give meds, only a nurse can.

Each family must talk about this before it happens. For some older ones, the reality is such a shock that they can only imagine their worst possible fears. If they did not prepare for this in advance financially, their care facility may not be as nice as they would like. Sacrifice among family to care for the older ones is not just financial, it is emotional, it affects your health, and it takes up the precious time you have for your family as well. Don't feel guilty if you are truly doing your best. Let them know that you love them and make sure you make plans for your time when it comes so that you will have better options.

I spent five years being the sole caregiver for my mom. When I gave out, there was nobody else who could do it full-time. My sister is the sole breadwinner in the family and single and still putting three kids through college. There wasn't any other alternative, she was falling in the apartment and her meds had become so complicated I was making mistakes and she was wandering around at night. She did give both me and my sister a guilt trip about being in the nursing home, accused me of going back on my promise to take care of her and not have to have her go to a nursing home. I thought I would be able to do it at first, but my body gave out and the rest of my family did not have time to help me. Bottom line is never make promises you cannot keep. I did not anticipate that it would take such an emotional and physical toll on me to take care of her. Anyway, I do go over and visit her every day. She is in a good nursing home and they treat her very well there, and gradually she is getting over her bitterness toward me and my sister for putting her there.

Same happened to me--I'm 70--Mom 93--I even looked older then her and knew it was taking it's toll on me.
I took care of her for 10 plus years, we did talk about her being put into a NH-she agreed to it-saying she didn't want me to be her babysitter.
She's in a nice NH but still ask me to take her home-She is not the same Mom i use to have, but my love for her hasn't changed.
I do a lot of crying, but it isn't from guilt anymore--it's because I know my best friend and Mom has gone away and I miss her so much.
She is still very sweet, never has been nasty, maybe thats what makes it so hard.

Belinda1, do your "bad-mouthing" siblings visit your mom and dad in the nursing home? If so, do you know if THEY are encouraging your mom to continue thinking you put her in the nursing home to die? Are they making her become more upset than she would be if they stayed away? Who in your family has been appointed legally to look after your parents finances and their personal care? IF it is you, and IF your siblings are upsetting your mother with their visits, I wonder if you might have the legal right to put a stop to their visits until they become more supportive of your decision?
I imagine you checked out different nursing homes and found the best that your parents could afford. I imagine also that you are dropping in at the nursing home at expected AND unexpected times to be sure the staff is treating your parents well. If your parents are in a "good" nursing home and you visit with them often, it sounds to me like you are doing all that one single working person could do!!! I am sorry about your brother who used to help you with your parents' care but had the stroke and now can neither walk nor talk. As for your other siblings - who knows what's wrong with them??!!!

Hi, I have been reading the 1st five emails and they are really good. I worked as a activity director for 17 yrs. in nursing homes.yes some are very good, some are not..and no, you do not always get the serviecs you think you pay for. The most I have read from these emails is that, (1) you all have done what is best for the patient.(2) you are doing the best that you can under your own problems that you are going through.no you will not get much help from your siblings as they themselves do not know what or how to take care of your parent, but they sure can give all the advise and keep putting guilt on you..Then we have these other brave siblings that are doing the right thing and they know they really are taking care of their parents the best way they know how. (3) your faith and turning things over to God will help you the most, or talking with good friends and asking for help when things are really bad. I have learned the hard way too, I had to put my father into the mental ward in columbus and yes, that made me feel like a failure as a daughter, but I knew I had to do this for his own sake and others as he was out of control and needed lots of meds and care. He had a bad case of dementia, but had turned into alzheimers. Now in my life I have my husband to attend to as he now has alzheimers. I find this so hard to take care of him now, as I too have lots of health issuses and I am in the process to find a home for him also, witch I have said I would keep him at home as long as I could take care of him, well I think I am having to make this all on my own as he has only a sister and she is holding down 3 jobs..so all of these things are really up to me and I shall make this choice soon. God bless each of you and he shall provide...

I think the best thing you can do is sit them down and ask them what they would like to do given their situation. Based on there needs (24 hour care) their finances, and realistic goals from family members, what options do they have. If they walk through each option, at least they will feel that they had a choice, and they may see why you make the decision you did. And maybe they can come up with a solution that will get them out of the nursing home. That may be moving to another nursing home, that is cleaner/prettier, or to a smaller 6 bed home in the community. The other possibility (finances permitting) is to pay for a Caregiver to come to their home daily, a few hours in the morning, a few hours at night. It's surprising how affordable this option can be, especially if your happier there, it can be priceless.

Belinda, One of the terrible things about Alzheimers and dementia is that the normal adult reasoning and judgment processes go away. Your parents probably can't make a good decision about what is best for them. They proved they couldn't do it themselves based on your description of their situation when they were at home. And yes, of course your mom is frightened. She is in a strange environment and her brain isn't capable of adapting well because of her dementia. If it helps, when I still had mom at home she had rough nights and would tell me about people hiding in her closet trying to kill her. Does the NH have a chaplain on staff that might be able to talk with your mom and calm her fears?

The guilt you feel is normal. Your head tells you you are doing the right thing, but your heart is torn up. I know, I've been there. Doing this alone is what is so hard. You need to find some support other than your family. I don't know what it is about families, maybe they are in denial, maybe they just can't handle seeing their parents declining so badly. You are the caregiver because somewhere in you, you found the strength to do so. They have not. You can't change them, so you need to look out for yourself. Your local area on the aging will probably have a caregiver support group if the face-to-face thing would help. This site is a lifeline for many caregivers. Stick around, we're good for each other.

I often think that we need to have a more humane way of dealing with aging parents and realatives.

It is no longer realistic to promise anyone that they will not end up in some type of facility. I think that we make these promises to our parents to help them overcome their fear of abandonment. It would be kinder if we had a frank discussion before the moment occurs. In that way, parents have made their wishes known, provided the caregiver with instructions, and understand their childrens' limitations. Too often caregiving is "sprung" on the child who steps up to the plate. This decision should not become a "lottery."

Perhaps we should focus on helping children have a meaningful dialogue with their parents before situations reach "critical mass." In this youth-fixated country of ours, we view aging as a disease. When was the last time you saw an nice, craggy, older face on your favorite television show? The result is fear of getting older. We fear aging...fear loss of independence...fear death. This is not a healthy way for anyone to live.

Those of us who are caregivers now need to speak up and make our wishes known to our children and future caregivers. Maybe our experiences will be another important legacy that our parents will leave us.

Very well-written and thoughtful, Lilliput! Thank you.

Hi Belinda. I don't understand why, or HOW, you could put your Mom in a nursing home if she has mild to moderate dementia. Why couldn't she remain in her home. I disagree with taking parents out of their homes and making them go to assisted living and/or nursing homes if they can still make it on their own. Think of how you would feel if the tables were turned. Really think about it, ALL OF YOU? Would you want to be forced to do this? Even if it was "for your own good?" I, for one, would NOT. I would rather muddle through it until the end. In my own home. If that was my desire. That's what I think, no matter what kind of spin everyone puts on it.

I took care of my mother for five years, watched her gradually go downhill with dementia, and become more and more unsteady on her feet and went through several falls, in which each time she got more fractures in her back from osteoporesis. Dealing with caring for someone with dementia on a 24-hour basis with no breaks gradually broke down my own health and I was exhausted by the time we made the decision to put mother in a nursing home. It was made more difficult by the fact that my mother became very beligerent, especially towards my sister, and tried to sue us for putting her in the nursing home. Unfortunately she lashed back at me because I had, five and a half years ago, promised her I would take care of her in her apartment. It was a big mistake for me to make promises I could not keep, not realizing the my own body was going to give out trying to do this on a 24-hour basis without very many breaks. Mom became very dependent on me, felt like she could not make it on her own without me, and I really dug my own grave by making myself indespensible to her. I tried to get outside help through the state of North Dakota, but since we live in a small town there were few workers available that had signed up with the caregiver program and went through several workers that were hired to help out.

At this point things have pretty much settled down and mom has resigned herself to being in the nursing home. Mom is feeling better now, as her medications have been controlled better. I try to get over to see her every day for several hours, and my sister comes to visit as much as she can with her work schedule. Having her family visit is very important to her and that is the one thing that is helping her to adjust to the nursing home. Of course again I am making myself indespensible to her.

I tried to muddle through this for as long as I could until my own doctor told me I had to let go of the 24-hour care in our home, physically I just could not go on, and it was tearing me up inside thinking what if I made a mistake with her medications, overlooked something in her care, or what if she fell and broke her hip, or what if she started wandering out of the apartment while I was aspleep.

Anyway, 2009 was the most stressful, worst-case scenario year I have ever had, the most hear-breaking thing I have ever experienced is placing mom in a nursing home and then having her turn on us and take us to court, and having to move her things and mine into my sister's home (moves are always traumatic). I almost had a nervous breakdown over all of this, but I pretty much pieced back together now with medication and therapy.

The most important thing you can do to help your parents adjust to a nursing home is to be sure to come and visit often, do little things for them that make them happy, and make sure the place where you have put them is a good facility. A lot of times I have to be mom's advocate so things can get done properly.

Hi Iam Bree, I am in the same boat...I havent made that leap of putting momz in a rest home yet...but everyone here knows what I have been going through...and what torment has led me here.
The people here have been very loving and supportive to me...a blessing. My momz is verbally abusive to me...she was always that way, now with the alzheimers its worse.
I am a only child. No help from family ...or friends.
I am moving slowly getting things handled...have paperwork in progress....nursing home waiting for records...I AM IN THE PROCESS of getting her placed.
I feel guilt. I will be blamed for everything under the sun I know it...hell I am most of the time anyway.
My heallth is failing because of all of this...All I can do is keep you in my prayers..you have done the right thing. YOU ARE BRAVE,YOU ARE A GOOD DAUGHTER!
I pray GOD GIVES ME YOUR BRAND OF STRENGTH!

Bree

Well I'll have to jump in here, just have too. My mother use to tell my sister and I not to put her in a home. Hm a home is what they called it then. Things have changed so much now-a-days.

My mom has always been what you call the cat's meow, meaning she was the bell of the ball. Even now she does not look 90, however she is a shell now. Her voice has become scragley, and I have to ask her to repeat several times, her mind goes and comes, she cannot do anything for herself. Not even open the blinds in the morning which is something she loves to do. Her quality of life is just gone, gone far away and it makes me so very very sad.

Every now and then she says "when I get better" and I humor her. She is constantly in pain, arthuritis ain't no joke to a 90 yr old, and any kind of hip replacements just add coal to the fire.

She sits and stares out of the window from her bed yet when anyone pulls up she ask who is that so I don't think she is really looking at anything at all. It's sad to me, yes sad.

She says "how now brown cow" all the time, and counts off the months of the year trying desperately to cling onto any type of hope.

I am seriously considering putting her in a home too, mainly because I know I can't give her what she needs. I've talked to the care taker who will always discourage me (they say it's because they want to keep their jobs, I don't know) but just know that you did what you needed to do and don't let anyone tell you different. To thine own self be true!

If parents can "make it on their own" then I don't think anyone writing to this forum (and as far as I have seen, ALL are very caring people) would want to move their parents out of their home. It's when the parents CAN'T make it on their own (even with all sorts of help coming into their private home) that things get tricky and all the anguish starts. I definitely would not want to put my children through what lmw124 went through. We go to hospitals (if we are lucky) when we need to - we go to assisted living residences when we need to and then to nursing homes when we need to. Why pretend something different? All we can expect of our children when the time comes is that they help us find "good" residences and nursing homes and that they visit us when they can. It is up to us to make the best of the rest. I feel that life is about reality - not some dreamwish. We just have to be strong enough to accept this fact. Moving into an assisted living facility or even a nursing home is NOT the END of life - it is another beginning.

Ics--thank you--I needed that.

lcs, that was great! But for many of us, it means, "Now what?!"

SecretSister - Exactly! "Now what?" - that's the BIG problem!!! Through this forum I hope we can help each other to make some decisions that are the least harmful for both the person needing care and the caregiver. NANCE, you are welcome. What I wrote is what I have come to understand after MANY years of searching for answers. But my understandings are not everyone's. I am glad they were of help to you, though.

I just hit a big bump in the road today. Took mom to the dentist, she needs a root canal and how am I going to pay for that now with her in the nursing home on Medicaid? She will have to sign up for denal assitance now, I don't even know if this will be covered. Then on the way home we went past the place where we used to live in our apartment together and mom started whining again about wanting out of the nursing home. I guess next time I will have to somehow avoid going past our old apartment across the street from the dentist office. I guess the next hurdle I have is having to declare bankruptcy, having to pay all these dental bills and back medical bills and moving expenses so we could be closer to my sister here. It is my own fault though, I did not manage finances very well. Once I get past this financial bump hopefully things will get better. Fortunately I have a good place to live here with the rest of my family. Both my sister and I were able to go visit her today with the MLK holiday, it really improves her mood when we are able to visit.