How can I get through the fact that my parents are upset that I put them in a nursing home?.

Asked by

I just put both of my parents in a nursing home. My Dad has Alzheimers and my Mom has mild to moderate dementia. They were both in the hospital and I moved them from there. My Mom is so mad at me, she says I put her there to die. But she can't take care of herself well anymore, let alone my Dad. He really needs to be there. They were living on their own and the conditions of the home were deplorable and she was either under medication him or over medicating him. She was not taking her own meds. I am single and work, I get no help from my siblings even though I have some. I had one brother who helped but he had a stroke himself 2 years ago and cannot walk or talk anymore, so that leaves me. None of the others help me, although they like to judge me and bad mouth me. It has been the hardest decision I ever had to make and I feel sooooo guilty. I feel they will be better cared for there if my Mom at least gives it a chance, but she is so scared. She thinks they are going to come and get her at night and hurt her or kill her. She cries and begs me to get them out. I have visited everyday, some people tell me not to, but when I don't Mother is so upset. She gets upset and gets my Dad upset. He would be ok, if she didn't continue talking about it to him. It hurts so much to have her say I don't care about them and just want them to die. How does one get through this without any family support???

Answers 1 to 10 of 37
nobody wants to be in nursing home , i for one dont want tobe in there either , yees nusrin home is a place to die and theyre no dummy . its killin them .
dad stayed in the rehab for 2 weeks and i often come in to ck on him and find him sittin in wheel chair , cryin to go to his room they tell him no . he has bad back andbed sores and he wants to get offthe wheel chair bad . it makesme so sick to my stomach , they have nerve to tell my dad no ! he is a grown man and shouldnt be told no !! he has the rights to do what he wants to do that will make him comfertable . after the rehab was over i took him home to where he could be comfertable and be himself and feel safe ,,,,
My Mom is in a nursing home and they treat her great.
I don't know what kind of NH's you have there but we have very nice ones.
As far as just a place to die, in reality, so is your home, sorry.
You can only do what you can do with your resources. Those who bad mouth you have no right to do so I'm sorry. You do what YOU think is best. Join a caregiver support group, form friendships with those who have similar experiences. No one in our family would be in their right mind to challenge my sister or I with what we do with our parents. While we did move them to a rented home with live in caregiver, what you are doing is for their own safety. If people aren't willing to put up then they need to shut up, that is my motto. It's tough, but people do not know the challenges of being a caregiver.

Being in a nursing home doesn't have to be forever either. If they are still physically able, you may want to consider an assisted living facility to give them some kind of independence. They have dementia wings and many locations. Assisted living is also much cheaper than a nursing home. Everyone feels guilty in the beginning, but as long as you are on top of things and BE INVOLVED...question the staff, observe the staff--make sure you do visit with your parents, then things will start to get better.
Depends on the nursing home, for sure, but no place is perfect. If, if, if we could care for ours at home, we would. That is not always possible. Our loved one's condition is more than we can handle, so must find the next best solution. This does seem to be the hardest decision we've ever had to make. We have two declining rapidly, and cannot stop the process. They are getting the best care possible, and have our constant supervision and involvement. We're 4 minutes away, and are often overseeing their care. But even this is not enough to manage everything.

As for over- or under-medicating, I find this happens, even in the nursing home. Due to limiting factors, they can only do so much. They can't stop the mind's deterioration, or the natural decline eventually leading to death. I try to remember that even "experts" are still "practicing" physicians, and do not have all the answers.

Many of our loved ones are vulnerable, and can't adequately protect themselves. We do the best we can to fill in the gaps, and leave the rest to God in prayer.
Top Answer
Seems almost everyone who has to make this decision has the same guilt and what if... feelings. My Mom still puts the guilt rtrip on me after 18 months. It hurts so bad, but there is no way I can care for her 24/7. And like almost everyone on this site, I, too, have siblings that just do not 'get it'. Seems like they have to belittle the one doing the caregiving to soothe their own guilty consciences. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but it hasn't for me. Living 6 hours away just makes it worse after I gave up 3 years to stay with her in her home, she thinks I should still be there. And, yes, the common statement is that we 'threw her way', 'wanted to get rid of her', etc. She doesn't understand, or doesn't want to accept, that she is not being punished; she just can't get up and walk like she used to because of physical problems, not because the staff 'won't let her'. It hurts. And like Secret sister says, God and prayer are the only things that really help. I know He is taking care of my Mom and I take comfort in knowing that He is strengthening me, too, to be able to handle it all.
I think that you have to do what you have to do. If you could take care of them 24/7 yourself you would. I am sorry that you are going through this. I think people who are judging or critical should just be told to back off...I know that nursing homes have gotten bad press, however there reallyare many wonderful benefits to having a loved one where they can get 24 hrs care and 3 good meals a day. Often as folks age they become somewhat "child like" they cannot reason well and they refuse to try to understand. take care and God Bless
I visited my Dad in the NH and each time, (after his strokes), he either had bruises on his legs, (from the hoyer), they said, and 2 times, he was soaked in pee, to the neck. He begged me to take him out, and I did. I took care of him full time for 2 yrs, until he died, but he was dry, happy, no bruises, well fed, enjoyed the flowers, sunshine, sitting by his window, tv, desserts, and I'm glad I took him out of there. It must be awful for the elderly, being there, and begging to get out, I couldnt endure it, so since I was home, I brought him home with me. Mom continued living alone at their house. We tryed to let him visit, but Mom couldnt do the care, so we brought her, to him. I was fortunate, I worked at home,,, not all people can just drop their jobs to care for an elder parent. But those of us that can,,,, should. My Mothers tears broke me in half, she looked like a little girl, saying please,,,, get me out of here, there is NO way, I was leaving her.
Oh I do understand that all nursing homes are not the same and I do understand it is hard. When my Grandfather was ill I went and lived with them and took care of him. When my Grandmother was ill she came and lived with me and I took care of her. The last conversation my Grandfather and I had was about what would become of my Grandma... I told him actually promised him that I would take care of her. My husband is a wonderful man and enabled me to do what I had promised. Many times it is a hard thing to do but I will always, always be glad that I did. Now my own parents are 85 and 82 and we help them... I do hope to care for them as I did my Grandparents. take care and God Bless
It may help you get through the guilt if you think ROLE REVERSAL. At this point in your parents lives they are much like children in their ability to care for themselves and make good, safe choices. On the other hand, you are at a point in your life where you intuitively know how to handle this situation and have the confidence in yourself to do the right thing even if it hurts. Ask yourself what you would want your children to do if they found themselves in your situation. I am sure you would want them to do exactly what you are doing for your parents. Sometimes, love is as hard and cold as steel. This is certainly one of those times for you! If you did not love your parents it would be easy to go into denial like your siblings have and let things fall as they will. Then you would not have to feel any guilt because you could believe that it was your parents own fault if they screwed up. They are adults and should know better than to mess up with medication instructions or get themselves in dangerous situations. So let go of the guilt and continue to do THE RIGHT THING. You will have no regrets. I cannot say the same for your siblings once they experience the finality of your mom and dad's passing.
Hi Belinda~I can understand your feeling of guilt. My thought in the matter is if you have exhausted all other possibilites for both your parents, such as daycare-etc; then you had no choice, but to place them in a nursing home. I am assuming you have looked into the possibility of assisted living for them as well.

The way I look at this is, you did what is best for both your parents, as well as for yourself. Perhaps the staff at the nursing home can help support your feelings on this, or even your parents neurologist.

What may be upsetting to your parents is they may feel as though you have taken away their independence-and unfortunately they are not able to view the whole picture.

It sounds to me you did what is best for everyone involved-and you have to support your own feelings in this decision---If you have some time, perhaps going to some support group meetings of your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association will be of value.The Alz Assoc-also has a hotline that is open 24/7-and that number is 1-800-272-3900.

I personally have gone thru this caregiver journey, and know what it is like to place someone in a facility. I also realize how VITAL caregiver support is. It is important that you DO NOT compromise your own health-which is so easy to do.

Stay strong, and do not let your emotions get the best of you-as for the others in your family, the situation is what it is.

Good luck!


Share your answer

Please enter your Answer

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support