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I am in a very difficult spot as I know many people are. But I really could use some advice.


My mom is in need of a place to live. She is actually losing her home to foreclosure and needs to be out by March 15th. She has 0 dollars and has less than $900 per mo. from SSI, so her own apt. just isn't feasible.


All of us have major issues with my mom, some of us more than others. I have mine too, but despite this, I do love her and want her to be safe and happy.


I have 3 older siblings. My sister offered her a place to live, but is not able to take in my mom and her dog. My mom will NOT be separated from her dog. It's understandable. She loves him more than anything or anyone.


My brothers would not provide a safe place. They wouldn't hurt her, but it would not be comfortable or loving.


So,then there's me and my family. My hubby is deadset against her coming here for multiple reasons. When we lived with her, she was often mean, cussed, and told lie after lie. My husband worked VERY hard to get us into our own home last year because I was in tears almost on a daily basis living there. She is also very wasteful with food, water, and energy.


We only have 3 bedrooms, all occupied, so taking her in would be most difficult for us. Not to mention the fact that we have a dog, who doesn't exactly play well with others. My daughter, who is 14, has kindly offered to get bunks for her small room and share it with my mom. But she has a kitty in her room and of course my mom has her dog, who is ill-behaved. He nips, barks constantly, chews, and widdles on everything!


At least 2 out of 3 of my sibs are financially capable of helping, but won't. We live paycheck to paycheck.


I told my hubby that I understand his hesitations, I have them too. But I also know that despite everything, she would help us if we need it. She's 78, scared and feeling rejected by everyone. I don't want to look back and have regrets and guilt that I didn't even try. I just feel like no matter what I do, it won't be the right decision.


Am I crazy for even considering this? Any advice would be most appreciated.

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abrimmer - having a mom that I take care of myself...I would urge you to find other options. Look into whatever help the state can provide you and find a nice retirement community for her. She will be able to be around people, play games, have her meals provided, have housekeeping....
My mother is very mean to me and my family. Even when she comes to visit, someone winds up in tears. My 16 yr. old son, most recently. When she stayed wtih us for 2 weeks, my kids never left their rooms. We had to have the thermostat set where she wanted, eat when and what she wanted, watch what she wanted on tv. I couldn't leave the house without her calling me and telling me that I had been gone too long. Basically, I was a teenager again, having to live by her rules in MY house. 2 weeks was long enough for me.
If your siblings are well set financially, maybe they could supplement her Social Security so that she could live in a retirement community. You could definitely point out all the good things they have to offer and the fact that she would be around plenty of people and perhaps make friends with some!
Good luck - it's not an easy road, but please take in mind that even tho your kids may learn a lesson on caring by having her in your house. They could also learn that they would never want mom in their house. If she really is mean and nasty like mom, the lesson is not worth the emotional damage it has done to my family.
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If the other siblings can offer her a place - although not a comfortable one - work it out that she goes to them each one week - or one weekend a month. You can be the big solution - but they need to help also. If they decline to take their week. Offer to let them pay you to cover their week for them. Use that money for hubby - or you and hubby - or your generous daughter to take breaks from your mother. I would (try) to get all the kids together to work through the agreement for how this situation with 'mom' will be handled and send a letter or email to everyone confirming what each of you have committed to - before you let mom move in with you. If you all can't work together while this crisis is facing the whole family - they definitely won't be there for you after you provide the 'solution' and avert the crisis.

PS - I wouldn't go anywhere that wouldn't also accept my cat :o) Maybe your daughter would like to take grandma's dog to obedience training.
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Cat- Thank you, I truly appreciate your kind words.

I think with my hubby, his issues stem from how she has treated others, such as myself and my now deceased dad. He doesn't want to see our family hurt and our peace taken away, which I understand. But you are right, I want to teach my children properly and I fear that if I just leave my mom out in the cold, they will learn that's how you treat family/others in need. That is certainly not what I want them to learn. I always want them to be loving and compassionate people. I've told them time and time again that those that seem hardest to love are the ones who need it the most. I'm just finding it hard to practice what I preach, I guess...

You are doing an amazing thing for your mom. She's lucky to have you.
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You are not crazy for considering this - you are compassionate. If it helps, here are some suggestions that you might try. I won't comment on the other siblings - just what may help you do whats right for your mom & you.

1. Your daughter is a gem - sounds like she takes after you. Let her help and support her throughout the sharing process.
2. The dog and cat thing can be worked out.....it will just take time & some adjusting - and maybe some crates for each pet to have space.
3. Each marriage is different. I do wonder though if your husband understands that how your mother gets treated is going to be how he gets treated when he is older - - and the odds are good that the only two who may care for him will be you and his daughter.
4. The move can simply be a transition while you look to see if there are other options. But as far as it goes, the only thing you can hope for is standing your ground and being flexible about the care experience.

No one can advise you but each of us on this site has gone through or is going through similar issues....I am doing it by my self - no husband no kid no relatives - my mom's dog is a blessing & makes my life easier. I had to lose alot of illusions and dreams for my own life, but I am ok with what I decided. So hang in there and try. If she needs to be out in March, you don't have alot of time. Take care .
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