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My mother and her sister both are terrified of Nursing homes. My mother is nearly 85 and when I can get her assets in order, I need to put her in a nursing home. Problem is, she still knows me, but doesn't recognize she is home, that my dad (her husband) has been dead nearly 16 years and her mama's been dead around ten years. She has difficulty speaking a complete sentence and identifying things, like her cigarette lighter. She can't drive, cook, or be trusted to take her meds correctly. BUT, legally, you can't put anyone in a nursing home who doesn't want to go. It's a good law, but not always the best thing for a person like my mother. I've been caring for her six years now and have finally come to terms with the fact she'd be better off and I would too if she were in a nursing home. How can I get her admitted when the time comes if she refuses? I've heard if she went into the hospital, I could refuse to take her back to her home since there's nobody to care for her. As for my aunt, she's a little more coherent than mama, but cannot drive to get groceries or her meds. She lives alone and her daughters have health issues of their own and can no longer take care of her, but she refuses to accept this and won't go to a nursing home. She's fallen several times and had to lay there till she could (painfully) get to a phone and call for help. But my aunt knows where she is and what day it is, etc. She is just too stuborn to go to a nursing home, believing it's her daughters' moral obligation to care for her, no matter how exhausted, overwhelmed or ill they are. But before their mother, I'm more concerned about how to get my own mother into a nursing home. She somehow can remember she can't be forced to go. We live in Texas. I know laws vary from state to state. I guess my main question is, if a person poses a threat to themselves, can't care for themselves, is there a legal way to have them commited to a nursing home? Hope I don't sound like I don't love her because I do.

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My mother is having the same issue with my grandmother here in Ohio. Somehow after a mild stroke and a stay in the hospital with all the medical team observing her frailties and cognitive issues she managed to convince them to send her home. My mother is physically unable to care for her the way she needs. Grandma has fallen more than 13 times in the past year. Any help regarding this issue is greatly needed and appreciated.
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I have no info on the nursing home issue for either of you, but is it feasible to have home health care for either situation? There are many good agencies and individuals who do this work. It can be paid for out of pocket or medicare helps sometimes. I wish the best for all concerned. And don't worry Rosie, no one is thinking you don't care about your mom. These choices have to be made and this is a good sight for info and support. So keep posting or go to another comment and post again , someone with answers will get back to you. Same for you eaton. Ya'll just hang in there and you will get some info. Thanks for joining us, we look forward to hearing from you again. God Bless
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Lindam
You are a joy to this site-I always enjoy your postings.
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Ho, Rosie03. Maybe a good first step would be to have a private consult with your Mom's doctor to clearly state that you are unable to provide at-home-care for your Mom and your personal observation is that your Mom poses a direct threat to herself. Then, ask the doctor to intervene in a follow-up visit where you and your Mom's doctor spell it out for her. I am sure it is hard for your Mom to hear her daughter convey the long-term care message to her, but hearing from her doctor at the same time may be the reality jolt she needs to know that there is no more running away from the message. I never knew about that nursing home admission law. On the one hand, I am glad it exists, but I can see where it would be extremely difficult for someone in your situation. If your Mom's doctor doesn't help, get another party to help you with the reality intervention with your Mom-- preferably someone who is not in the family and will help to get the message across. It just seems like there is a special intervention needed, much like when someone is not facing an addiction problem and needs to be confronted with love.
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And, of course, that would be 'Hi, Rosie;' not "ho, Rosie!" Forgive my typo!
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I am in Texas also and am the caregiver for my 88 yr old Mother. I can see a nursing home in her near future but was unaware of the "refuse to go" law. We are going on vacation and plan to put Mother in a nursing home for what is called "Respite Care", which is defined as a break for the caregiver. They receive the same services as full time residence in the home but she is charged a by the day fee, where I live in Cent. Texas it is approx. $80 day. We were thinking when we come back off our 3 week vacation just leaving her there. Sounds awful but it is the only way we can see to get her there. I have not bounced this off her doctor but plan to prior to leaving on vacation. Anyone have input on my plan - good or bad?
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Hi to all,
I have been in contact with an ElderCare attorney about my mother and he says that unless a person has been declared incompetent they have a right to refuse anything. Get your doctor to evaluate her mental abilities and then contact an attorney to help you with this. It is so important to get all your i's dotted and t's crossed.
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Thanks for the input. Gives me some more ammunition to use.
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Respite is a wonderful alternative and you may find that she truly enjoys the social interaction that she will have . good food and friends. Assisted Living is no where near a nursing home and it is truly a joyful experience for them. she may decide to stay when you get back home from your vacation! I have seen it happen and it is always a surprise to the familly. I deal with this daily and the families.
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The respite is at a local rehab/nursing home facility. They "said" they would try and get her a private room but could not guarantee it. That would be the best part of our vacation if Mother decided to stay. She now spends 20-21 hours in her room with the blinds down and door shut. Comes out to eat and might say a few words then back to her room. Biggest problem is she is yankee born and bred and nothing in Texas is right and I am sure, no positive, she will let everyone in the nursing home know that. Just hope they haven't kicked her to the curb before we get home. On a serious note, being with folks her own age with similar problems, likes and dislikes might make her feel better and open up more. Time will tell. Thanks for the input
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Tell her this is her vacation while you are on vacation. By telling her this is only temporary she may be more understanding of going. Do they have activities? Is there a Assisted Living that may be more active that you could see about a respite? Most AL have respite pricing and will have a private apartment for her? Check out Assisted Livings in your area too
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Planned on using the word temporary. We are in a "very" rural part of Texas and don't think assisted living is avail. without going in excess of 25-35 mi. one way. Plus this nursing facility uses her primary care physican who knows her history. Am I correct that medicare does not cover respite unless the person is on hospice? The facility I talked with said their charge is $80 a day which I thought was very reasonable and they don't have a set limit to the amount of days she can stay...within reason. Should we mark all the clothes she is taking with her to respite with her name? Any other important things we should be aware of?
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Hi Sunshine, (ah, yes - those typos: ),

Third party help is so vital with a lot of these decisions. Elders don't often (understandably) want to "take orders" from their adult kids, no matter how well it is said or how good our intentions. Much better to have a doctor, pastor or good friend to help with these things.

Carol
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if a person wasa admitted to the hospital/ the hospital runs some test and says well i think you may have had a mini stroke. the person is ok and upon being released from the hospital, her children said well we don't want mom and grandma to be alone anymore and sock her in a nursing home. what can she do/
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I am currently dealing with this situation with my soon to be 93 year old aunt with dementia.
she has been living on her own, but has required more and more of my help to the point that I have to cook & clean for her. Even then, she doesn't eat much.
Now, she is in a Psch. hospital because 3 weeks ago she called 911 & told the police that she is going to kill herself. In the hospital they have, what they call, "stabilized her" and they want to release her back to live on her own with a 3 day a week home health aid. I don't agree and can not go on with the increased demand. She has qualified for Medicaid Nursing home care, but refuses to go. If they release her to her apartment, it will be a nightmare that I just can't deal with anymore as I work and have 2 children who have medical issues...I don't know what to do.
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Mom is a frail 69 years old. Her hip and elbow were replaced after falling a few years back. She has a condition in her feet called Charcot (longer term) which caused breaks in her feet, toes, and fallen arches. She has severe osteoporosis. She falls daily and the EMS takes her to the hospital in another town (we have no hospital). I will be called to come pick her up. I told her she might break her neck in a fall which could be lethal. She ignores me. She refuses to live in a rest home. All her friends have disappeared, worn out by her calling for help. She cannot live in my house because it is not designed for the handicapped. Due to steps up to my house she cannot get the wheelchair inside. I don't want my other mad at me, and I have explained things to her. She can't afford assisted living. She has been living in a senior's apt which is just that- an apartment with no one with her. I cannot drive due to health problems. She has no siblings, and cousins ignore her. I am tired of going out of town to the hospital only to have a social worker tell me to check in with her. A deaf ear is turned when I say I do not drive, and I have been sick. My husband still works and is gone 12 hrs a day. I want to just move far away! I know you cannot force someone into a rest home, but this is ruining our personal life and is endangering my mothers. She has her mental facilities. But there has to be a way to force her into a home to save her own life. She cannot feel her feet and is always trying to walk, trips over things, I can't take it anymore!
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What if you just said No? When the hospital calls, say "I cannot pick her up. She will need to make other arrangements." Then what? Perhaps the Social Worker will call you and try to insist that you come. "I'm sick. I don't drive. I cannot do this. I hope you can work with my mother and tell her what her other options are."

You cannot control your mother's decisions about where to live. But you can control your own decisions about what you will do.

Could you bring yourself to practice this tough love? Would it be effective in helping your mother see that she is not so independent after all? I don't know. It is something to think about, perhaps.

And by the way, my sisters located an nice assisted living facility that accepts Medicaid, for our mother. (She is resisting, but that is another story.) So don't give up that idea entirely without a thorough search of your area.

Good luck!
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My Mother needs a nursing home, I have guardienship for her, but she refuses to go to the doctor. She now has a fractured hand from falling and more x rays are needed. She still will not go. How can I get her checked out, nursing requires physical from doctor,
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More issues are popping up all the time but these are the most important. One fact stands out above all. When your mom or dad is mentally clear for the most part you can’t force them to do anything they refuse to do.Try to visit their living home first and then explain them the facilities available at living home.
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Oh the laws! Yes, we know about not being able to place my grandparents in a home if they don't want to go. But, did you now if you force care on them in their homes, such as simply cleaning them, you could be charged with battery! Oh yes, whatever they do or don't want if perfectly fine by law. It is you, the care giver, that is in the wrong. When you struggle to make sure you are doing everything you can, and they refuse even the smallest of things, like a bath, you are committing a crime if you continue caring for them and they don't want it. I live in Arkansas (hello Texan neighbors).

I'm sure that sounds pretty ridiculous to you, but try this on for size. When we asked the physician for help on the coming visit, we got hacked off at the knees. The visit was regarding my grandfather's BROKEN BACK that resulted from his constant falling. The physician rebuked and shamed us for wanting such a thing in front of my grandparents AND said she would never assist in putting my grandfather in a nursing home (didn't believe in it) AND sent him back home with us that day.

Mind you, the plot thickens. My grandparents only have 1 child, my mother. Further, I am my mother's only child. I also have a little girl. Hands and ability for my grandparents' care and well being are extremely limited. None of us really have any money and the only retirement my grandparents get besides social security is $115 per month from the mill he worked for years ago.

You should probably also have some insight into the ages and health of my family. I am soon to be 32 years old. I have Lupus and enough secondary conditions to write you a volume. My little girl is 12 and my mother is will be 50 soon and is morbidly obese. My grandparents are both in their 70's. He is deaf and suffers from Parkinson's.

Now the falls...by both of them. Fractured backs, fractured ankles, torn rotator cuffs, stitches from busted heads, bruises that are so deep they take MONTHS to heal... Why don't they receive the wake up call? Why don't they see how this affects my mother and me?

They cannot prepare large meals for sure, but complain about nearly everything you fix and won't eat right...unless it's grilled or peanut butter crackers. They are diabetics and have heart problems. They both take a bushel of pills and insurance doesn't cover all of it.

They refuse to go to a home or even an apartment because their little dog Emma can't go, my grandfather won't be able to smoke at his leisure, and they will only be allowed to keep $40 per month for personal spending (among several other reasons they have conceived). Assistance in the home is only limited to a couple of days per week and only about 2 hours at a time then, which they don't want.

They are hoarders to say the least. The house is so crowded you pretty well have to turn sideways to move around in their old trailer. I am already paying storage room fees for some of the stuff, which they will never use again. They won't get rid of anything and I can't take on anymore storage bills. The house is so crowded that the EMTs could not carry my grandmother out of the house when she broke her ankle...so they made her WALK on it all the way out.

My mother and I try to help financially by picking up the "month that is left at the end of the money". As I said, we have no reserves, so all of us teeter on our own financial cliff constantly. We don't know what else to do.

I mentioned that my mother is morbidly obese. She does come sometimes and stay with they, but is about as immobile as they are. She has undergone numerous surgeries on her legs and still needs her back done. She can do nothing, but sit there...and maybe call if there is a real need. My mother can't even tend herself efficiently, much less them.

I change the beds, do the laundry, do the dishes, administer the meds, tend the dog, take out the garbage, wash my grandmother, etc. I have to get them up and down because they can't do it on their own. This is killing me physically. My grandmother is about 3 times my size and my grandfather is probably twice as big. I am barely 5 feet myself, right at about 120 pounds and have osteoporosis (secondary to the Lupus). It's like lifting dead weight when they are down. My grandmother has spinal stenosis and just lays flat of her back sometimes for a week at a time.

Both of my grandparents are incontinent. The laundry piles high and the expense of all the adult diapers just adds to the financial burden. At least my grandmother lets me clean her. Not my grandfather though. He will only let my grandmother do it. I guess you can see how well that works out. Because of that he sometimes develops sores on his backside, scrotum, etc. He can't take care of them and won't let me or my mother. Only my grandmother...

Half the time, my grandfather doesn't know or care that his clothes are drenched with urine. If you mention it, he will NOT get out of the wet clothes just for spite. So, you just watch him wallow in them for about 3 hours without exchanging a word. At least he will come out of them that way. Otherwise, he might decide to wear them for a couple of days.

They won't even apply for help through ElderCare. We were told that if they got assistance, upon the death of one, the other, or both, the program had the right to recover their costs by seizing what little they own. It was the same with Medicare paying for that little 2 hours of babysitting per day for about 3 days per week. That was an automatic no-go for them.

Not to mention, we've had experience with Home Health and the like when my great-grandmother was living. These people were not qualified/certified in any way. They were the average applicants off the street. They would come late, leave early, sometimes not show at all, stay on the phone the entire time they were there, ask for food, rummage through drawers (and steal), and never lift a finger for my great-grandmother. That experience, coupled with the idea that my grandparents could lose what they own to pay for it, really leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

Oh, but my grandmother is convinced that she can still do for both of them. That's right, she still even DRIVES. You can barely even see the damage to the bumper of the truck where she ran into the porch a couple of weeks ago. No big deal, right?

My grandfather had enough since about a decade ago to quit driving, thankfully. But he is still convinced that he is going hunting and fishing all the time. So, he gets the bright idea to venture outside every now and then.

My grandmother, who has everything under control, can't prevent him from going outside of course. Then he falls out somewhere, with his arms and legs all twisted around and underneath him and just has to lay there until my grandmother can get ahold of me.

Where am I? Forty-five minutes away, trying to get the education that nobody in my family has. I am desperately trying to get into a working position that my own health can deal with. Lupus is no joke, friends. I need to make enough money to help run my grandparents home and provide for their needs. I need to make double that because I can see where this is going with my mother.

Luckily, my husband is wonderful. He is a large man and that has its advantages. He comes to the rescue and scoops up my grandfather like a baby and carries him back into the house from falls in the yard and does other lifting that I can't muster the strength to do. So, where is my husband the rest of the time? Working long hours, seven days per week. Why? Because we need the money to sustain us AND my grandparents expenses.

At this point, I am good with any suggestions for things we have not tried. We don't have any kind of POA over my grandparents. About a month ago, my grandmother realized she needed my grandfather's signature even for her to "take care of things." (The only wake up she's had.) She drove herself to town and had the papers drawn up finally and my mother and I paid the fees. Now the problem is, neither of them ever "feel good" so there has been no return trip for the final signatures.

I need somebody to tell me what can be done and how to go about it.
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Sorry, I didn't not mean for all of the above to be an "answer".
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Ah, Brooke71701, my heart goes out to you. What a nightmare you seem trapped in.

You have tried everything. What if you tried nothing? What if you withdrew from this situation? There is no law that grandchildren have to financially support their grandparents or do their laundry. They think they can take care of themselves, so let them. When Grandma calls that Grandpa has fallen and needs help getting up, call 911 for her.

It is your kind and compassionate behavior that is enabling them to live the way they do. What would happen if you stopped that behavior?
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I must admit something. I have been planning just that very thing. It's just that I have felt so wrong do actually do it. I mean, it makes me feel like such a jerk to even think of just not caring for them. I feel guilty and selfish for the plans alone. I'm not even sure if I could forgive myself if something happened to them after I distanced myself.
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Alas, you must be able to grasp my fatigue from all the horrible typos...:)
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Absolutely -you are not selfish Brooke - You are carrying far more than you should be. They are making choices that affect their welfare. It is not just the choices you are making. It does not have to be your job. You first responsibility is to yourself, your husband and your child. If you still want to be involved you could call the local agency on aging, or social services or APS and tell them your grandparents need help. Something could happen to them even if you keeo doing what you are doing -you can't prevent that,, and worse, something could happen to you.
Repeat to yourself you are not selfish! Nor are you guilty of anything.Remember - they are making choices too that are not n their own best interests.

I do agree with Jeanne "It is your kind and compassionate behavior that is enabling them to live the way they do."

Please look after you, keep in touch and let us know how it goes. ((((((hugs))))) Joan
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Brooke..you are sacrificing your health and the wellbeing of your family for your grandparents. Get over the guilt and get on with your life! They are not able or even willing to help themselves. You will physically and emotionally be pulled down into their pit and with time there will be no way to escape. This is not the life you want for your daughter.

You sound like a wonderful granddaughter and I sound very harsh; but your responsibility is to yourself, husband and daughter. You have done more than enough. Getting your education is the best thing you can do.

I wish you well. God bless!
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I've posted this (highly selfish and disturbing) question to some others, and this is their advice/replies to the topic
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I read on another question/answer something about calling social services where they come in and 'evaluate' or 'assess' the person and to ask them to do this for at least 2-3.5 hours because people put on their best behavior only for so long. Then the answer went on to explain that they could have the person hospitalized if they deemed necessary and unfortunately for the person and family, actually force them to leave the home for further evaluation at a hospital where they will further assess whether the person requires nursing home care. If they decide the person requires a 24/7 facility they will contact the family. You really should find this post because the person that posted it actually went through this situation and it was an eye opener for me to read as well because she said her 'saving grace' was the fact that she had already reviewed nursing homes prior to the incident happening. Reason being is that if the social services/govt contact the family and there is no clear decision (one of them doesnt want to place the person) they will choose whatever home they want and it may not be a spectacular choice either. The answer also stated that when the social services come out for the 'visit' you will need to provide proof such as the her speech impairment, financial forgetfulness, evidence that she cannot care for herself. If I were you I would google your states Adult social services and start from there. You've done your share of caregiving in my opinion, 6 years is a long time and now you need help that's all.
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I read on another question/answer something about calling social services where they come in and 'evaluate' or 'assess' the person and to ask them to do this for at least 2-3.5 hours because people put on their best behavior only for so long. Then the answer went on to explain that they could have the person hospitalized if they deemed necessary and unfortunately for the person and family, actually force them to leave the home for further evaluation at a hospital where they will further assess whether the person requires nursing home care. If they decide the person requires a 24/7 facility they will contact the family. You really should find this post because the person that posted it actually went through this situation and it was an eye opener for me to read as well because she said her 'saving grace' was the fact that she had already reviewed nursing homes prior to the incident happening. Reason being is that if the social services/govt contact the family and there is no clear decision (one of them doesnt want to place the person) they will choose whatever home they want and it may not be a spectacular choice either. The answer also stated that when the social services come out for the 'visit' you will need to provide proof such as the her speech impairment, financial forgetfulness, evidence that she cannot care for herself. If I were you I would google your states Adult social services and start from there. You've done your share of caregiving in my opinion, 6 years is a long time and now you need help that's all.
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Brooke, my uncle was in rehab when the final docs were ready to be signed. The lawyer came with her intern and her Notary, to the rehab so my uncle could sign the documents. If you call the lawyer, and explain your Mom's situation, maybe a house visit can be arranged. My uncle was getting pro bono services due to financial hardship, so I do not know if you would have to pay a fee for a house visit.
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