How do I deal with my father-in-law who is making sexually inappropriate passes because of his Parkinson's Disease?

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My father in law has Parkinsons, is 87, uses a walker and has moved in with us as the assisted living place was not working out because he would wake up each night at midnight wanting his son...so my husband had to keep driving over there at midnight to calm his Dad down until my husband just decided it would be easier for his Dad to live with us. We need help so my best friend who is 60 came over to watch my father in law and he fell instantly in love. He keeps wanting hugs. Then my DAUGHTER and he grabbed her boobs. So, we took my father in law to a psychiatrist who talked to him about inappropriate behaviour. It didn't work. It is just that he is the type of man who has always had somebody to love and his wife passed away and now he wants a girlfriend. But his dementia which is part of his parkinsons cannot ascertain differences of my daughter, my friend and he forgets even if you tell him. We hired a complete stranger who was pregnant and he did the same thing. I am glad he hasn't made any passes at me...I don't know what I would do as he lives with me and my husband. I already feel uncomfortable being alone with him knowing that he is a Don Juan. He is just the type that is in love with love and needs somebody and is lonely. The short time he was in a nursing home, he would go down the hall into a room of a woman who was bedridden and just sit there and hold her hand and tell her how madly in love with her he was. She couldn't get away from him...she died..guess it was her only way to escape him.

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He's one horny old man isn't he? Maybe you ought to be looking for a college (male) student that needs some cash to start helping with your father-in-law. Is there a senior center around that he can go to? How about getting a dog that would sit on his lap and he can talk to and pet? Maybe he just needs someone or in this case, a pet to show him affection and love. And when he does grab inappropriately, I'd just push his hands away and identify myself to him without making a huge deal of it. If he were in his right mind he'd be mortified by his behavior right?
I'm not sure it is much of a consolation, but inappropriate sexual behavior is not uncommon among people with dementia.
Before Parkinsons he was always a gentleman and very proper. I did not realize dementia could change a person so much. I wonder if it is also why his appetite suddenly dropped in the last two weeks. He also gets up and gets and Ensure, sits down then ten minutes later does it again and again....6 times after breakfast. I called the doctor and he said to let him have what he wants since he is not eating.
I don't think many of us have a very clear idea of what dementia entails until we encounter it up close and personal. Who knew it could lower inhibitions, or increase them, or turn people paranoid, or make very articulate people unable to find the right words to communicate, or eliminate short term memory so completely a person can't remember the beginning of her own sentence by the time she gets to the end, or make it difficult to swallow? Our brains control every aspect of our being, so I guess it shouldn't surprise us that when something is wrong in the brain nearly anything can be effected. But it still is a shock when it happens to a loved one, isn't it?
I wish I knew more about dementia in Parkinsons and how it progresses and at what rate. I see my father in law seem to drop a notch every week in subtle ways.
Dementia in Parkinsons is very much like what my husband has, Lewy Body Dementia. I guess it is the same pathology and what it is called depends on which symptoms came first and what areas of the brain are involved. I really do find it much easier to deal with knowing what is common to the disease. If you google Parkinsons Dementia Symptoms you will find lots of sites to explore. Find one that matches your interest level, and read. Your FIL doctor's office no doubt could supply you with some literature, too.
Sorry about the typos guys. I was so busy putting myself in Don Juan's shoes and trying to imagine what I'd look and feel like 30 years from now. ... Hot, no doubt.

Ed, I don't think Inky is telling us she thinks her FIL's sexuality is gross or immoral. I think she is reacting to his lack of inhibitions in expressing it. Grabbing one's granddaughter's boobs and groping the hired help is not how to contribute to the smooth functioning of one's household. :) What you are describing as your fantasy retirement life doesn't sound inappropriate to me. Yucky, yes, inappropriate, not necessarily.

I would not have liked to be groped by my grandfather or my father or my father-in-law (or my borther, for that matter -- it isn't a matter of age). But if that had happened I think it would have been less upsetting and easier to brush off if I knew that the man had mental problems that prevented him from recognizing social boundaries. (And also, of course, if he couldn't do much more than leer and grope!)
JEANNE:

What came across as a fantasy was actually a critique of the machistic escapades of some prematurely-aged -- and forever drunk -- men in my family; and a tasteless generalization Latino men who also take to the bottle. (Thank my lucky stars I stopped drinking when Dad passed away 15 years ago. Besides, there wasn't a valid reason for it. ... At least not for me.) Instead of answering Inky's question, however, I went off on a tangent that excused her FIL's behavior and made me realize it's been a year since my last psychiatric eval.

He's an 87 y/o and lonely man who gets away with the groping because some people don't see his behavior as sexual and/or feel sorry for him because of his age. After all, how much damage can he do? If I were a woman, I'd probably push his trespassing hands away and, with a fake laugh, say "You wicked boy." Or, like most of my sisters, make a scene and call him a pervert. My husband would defend my honor. Either that or sleep on the couch without a blanket and pillow.

When my boys began to walk and explore the world, I must have said "Don't touch" at least 10 times a day. If I said "No" emphatically and removed their hand, they'd do it again as if to challenge me. My wife -- may she rest in peace -- would say "Eddie they're babies! They don't know what they're doing." So we didn't enforce the boundaries much. But when I started attaching a consequence to the behavior, they began to understand that "No" means just that -- and the Nancy Reagan PSAs on TV made it much easier.

Anyway Jeanne, it's after 3 am. Thanks for the wake up call.

-- Ed



Ed, I think your funny. ROFL. But, maybe you could ask out that less than ideal single older intelligent female. You may find a friend and lifetime mate after all.

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