My husband and I are moving and my mother wants to move to a new assisted living facility closer to us. How can I advise her to stay where she is?

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My husband and I are relocating to another county in our state. My mother is in a ALF now but will have to move her to a different one so she will be closer to me. Telling her and her leaving will not be a problem but when she realizes that she will be going to another facility instead of living with me might be a problem. What do I do if when we get her to the new place and she pitches a fit? Her new place is alot nicer and it has a big community kitchen that she can cook anything she wants on her own. Does anyone have any advise to keep her from not wanting to stay at her new facility?

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Ics, Thankyou for your word of support!
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Ninlinjoe, it appears that you and your siblings are doing your best to look after your mother and it seems that she is in a very comfortable facility that provides opportunities for her to make more of her life than she may be doing. It is up to all of us to make the most of our lives, regardless of our age, and you will never be able to satisfy the desires of a "needy" mother so I'd say you are handling everything well. You need to protect your marriage and it seems you need to keep your job so as long as you continue to visit your mom frequently (and perhaps encourage her to take part in the activities offered at the facility), I'd say you are doing the best you can (but I do understand how hard it is to deal with the 'guilt trips').
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I empathize with your situation. My mom is in a beautiful ALF 10 minutes from my home, my sister's home and 25 min. from my brother's home. None of "us kids" can have mom live with us for various reasons but we call or visit frequently and take her out to get her hair or nails done, family events, etc. Yet, mom gets depressed and cries b/c she is unhappy living where she is now and wishes that she had never agreed to sell her house and move to this ALF. Mom is wearing rose-colored glasses and is remembering only the good and not all the stuff that led up to her decision---like lonliness, falling, etc. She says that she wishes she had never moved. We gently remind her of the reality of what it was like for her when she lived alone. Now, when mom cries b/c she doesn't like living in her ALF, I start to feel guilty b/c I do have the room in my house but I would have to quit my job (which I can't afford to do) my husband is retired and mom would want much of his time when I'm not there b/c she doesn't have any hobbies---she doesn't even like to watch TV or read. It would put a real strain on my marriage and on my relationship with mom b/c of her neediness. If mom couldn't afford to live in this beautiful place with all kinds of amenities and activities, I would definitely have her with me.
I am sure that you have good reasons for moving your mom to another ALF that is near to your new home, but not living with you. It's not easy but just try and reassure her that you will still be nearby and will continue to spend time with her as always. Perhaps you can get her interested in decorating her new home with stuff that comforts her such as photographs, paintings, etc.
Good Luck!
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I found your question very confusing. You say your mom is living in an ALF now but when she is told she will be moving to another ALF (to be closer to where you are moving) she may be upset when she realizes she won't be living with you so what should you do. Is this the question? Why do you think she would "pitch a fit" moving to the new facility? Of course any change will probably be upsetting for her but if she realizes that you HAVE to move and that you are moving her to a new facility so that you can remain closer to her (as seems to be the case now?) then, hopefully she will understand. If it were me, I would tell Mom why it is that you and your husband HAVE to move and, since you want to still be close to her, you hope, with your help and care, that she will be able to adjust to living in the new ALF you have chosen for her. I suppose there is some reason why you have done the choosing rather than allowing her to take part in the choosing?
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You need to tell you Mother in the kindest, most honest way that she is not able to live with you for whatever reason, but if it was my Mom, after her knowing she could not live with me, I would definitely move her as close to me as possible. Something similar happened in my family, of my siblings, I was the only one not working and with plenty of free time. My Mom living with me would have been the most cost effective situation and what she wanted to do. However, I am an heavily addicted smoker and will not quit (yet) and my Mom can't tolerate the smoke. I evaluated in person and online facilities in my area, and as it turned out, the one she liked the best is only 10 minutes away from me.
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This not really tough, this is my second answer, your mother gave you tough love and you return it back , she will not be here forever' God forbid;however, she's mom and you r still her child ,but grown . Give her what she wants if it don't hurt her. , again love her and keep her happy so many moms who don't know who their children are and family so you.keep her smiling as long as you can. You and family are blessed to have a mom that can still have a desirability to claim what she wants. "LET HER HAVE IT" Joselyn
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That is a tough one. All I can think is to keep emphasizing the positives at the new place. You say that her leaving her present home will not be a problem, so is the problem that she will think she has a chance to quit living in assisted living? Does she hate assisted living? Might she like her new place more? Maybe you can talk with her about that. The suggestion to visit the new place seems a good one. Is her staying in her present home even a possibility, or is it really far from your new home? Is there a way to let your mom choose where she will be living, stating that living with you is just not an option, but giving her some say? Maybe go to some places and see what looks good to her. If her new place is nice, she will probably choose it. Just some random thoughts. Maybe find out what she hates about assisted living and ask the new place what they can do to address her dislikes. If she just plain wants to live on her own or with you, that's a tough thing, and somehow you just have to communicate that those are not options. Not easy. Good luck.
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joselynbryson, each situation is different. Without knowing a lot more than what rrsams23 includes in this post, I don't think we can judge whether giving Mom what she thinks she wants is the best path.

Condolences on the loss of your mother.
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well first of all; u mention that this is( her) new place already. ,she is yur, only "MOM" and when u were a child I know mom did some sacrifices.As long as she's not hurting her self r the family,then take chances with her,cause you don't want to oppose her wishes and regret it for the rest of your life.Spend some quality time with her where she's living now. Have a party and every one cook and share like it was the good old day,"S 'LET MOM HAVE HER WAY' .. I lost my mother in April and I had to let her have her way . It's all good when you look back..Be bless!!! joselyn...
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GOOD question. My mother lives with my StepDad of 30+ yrs. We have spent 10"s of thousands of dollars getting them situated to different places. MOM is ill and has very Nursing Home issues. She said StepDad cannot take care of her, lift her and such anymore. I cannot get her to stay put either. She now wants to come live with me and bring StepDad. OMG, she/he has everything where they are, house help. patient help. meals on wheels, doctors, ambulance. Moving her here to another STATE I would have to Keep working and start the process all over, and perhaps there may not be the services available here. already checked into some. Thanks and good luck. Keep us intouch.
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