jojosmeem Asked September 2011

My 89-year-old mom recently moved to an assisted care facility and no longer wants to stay there. What can my family and I do?


she thinks she can live on her own but can`t.she needs help with meds hearing aids,testing sugar.she would move in with family but we all are still workingand do not want her alone this much during the day.

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Hopeful2011 Sep 2011
Since my mother's stroke, I have found that this is an ongoing pattern. Seemingly happy and content one day, depressed and wanting to go home the next.She needs continued assurance of our love for her; visits with creative gifts (plants, books, the Sunday paper, etc. We have pictures with warmth in her room encouraging hope, belief, being thankful, etc.

Going home is not an option for mom as she is not able to care for herself, nor willing to have outsiders in her home assisting her. She listens to the professional staff at her SN; when she was at home she demanded that her caregivers (including me and her roommate) leave and let her do what she wanted to do, when she wanted to do it, and she didn't care what the doctors or professionals said. So what to do? We put our feelings aside, and did the RIGHT thing. Being at an SN has seemed to humble my mother somewhat. She knows she cannot be demanding, if she is there are capable people who will deal with her and who will be professional about how she can be assisted in her daily living needs. We visit every few days and take advantage of the City Coach that will pick her up and drop her off at any site in town (with an assistant). This Sat. we plan to go on the City Coach, out to see the movie Courageous with friends and neighbors then out to frozen yoghurt, then back to mom's facility.

Bringing mom to my home is not an option as she is in a wheelchair, and our car/home are not wheelchair friendly.

We tried the caregivers at my mother's home and "you never know what you might get". We had good experiences, and bad experiences with the above. Leaving my mother home by herself with a stranger was never comforting to any of us, except for a couple of exceptions. Please keep us updated as you weigh your decisions.
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kimkathleen Sep 2011
Start by having her at your home a couple times a week. She wants more time, attention with family. I would be frank with her about why she needs to stay at this facility. Very frank about your time restrictions, work stress, whatever. Just include her more often and she will feel loved and important. Which is what she doesn't feel now.
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DonnaG Sep 2011
I don't know if your mom is dealing with dementia, but let me just say that my mom is often wanting to go home, and she's at home, where she has lived for 46 years. So some of the desire to go home may surface no matter where she is living. I've read that the desire is to go where it's safe and familiar, both things that can be hard to come by for those with dementia. The counsel of folks about letting your mom get adjusted to the new place seems sound. I hope she will.
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TinaMarie Sep 2011
Caring for your own family member is the HARDEST job to do. they know ALL of your buttons. if you are already affording the ALF then continue to do so. It does take about 6 months for them to fully settle in. As long as she isn't saying that she is being abused leave her be. One thing our elder placement specialist does is match personalities: building to person. each building has its own personality. if after 6 months she is still unhappy try finding an elder placement specialist to help you match personalities. Good luck!
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klane Sep 2011
If she doesn't want to be there, bring her home. Her quality of life will be better at home. There are loads of in-home assisted living agencies, and I'm sure they'll be eager to earn your business. Plus, you only have to pay for the care she needs and you probably could save a few $$. AL in my area is $3200, in-home care was $1800.
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toadballet1 Sep 2011
Most directors at any facility would say that it takes 3 weeks to settle into a new environment and 6 months for it to feel like home. Give it time. If you feel she is safe and getting her needs met, perhaps visit less often, intially, so she gets used to others helping her.
Everyone wants to live in his or her home forever. That is natural. Whether it is realistic, is another question.
Is moving in with family with paid in-home help while you are all at work an option? It may be a good interim solution if someone is willing to do it. It is also less expensive than an ALF.
For now, give it some more time. See if you can get her involved in activities at the ALF or meet someone to visit with. What you are seeing is a mixture or lonliness mixed with the unfamiliar surroundings.
good luck
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