What can I do now that my mother has told me to stay away from her?

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My mother has dementia. She is not at a point to have her declared incompetent, but she is easily confused, asks the same questions over and over, She has always been difficult. We suspect she has a Schizoid Personality Disorder on top of everything else.

The other day while at the Dr.'s office she refused to take a memory test or to see a neurologist and accused me and my sister of trying to have her committed to a care facility and steal all her assets. Her Dr. agrees with us that her memory is very impaired and when he talks with us he uses the word dementia but when my mother is present he takes a very neutral stand. We feel he is not supportive of us, Since this appointment, I mother told me to stay away from her because I am trying to take away her rights. How can I know she is staying safe now? She started a kitchen fire recently by heating Vicks Vapor Rub in a pan!! Her Dr. is also my dr. Should I find another dr. for myself?? Soon we will have to have her driver's license revoked and her dr. doesn't want to be the one to do it, so we will have to report her to DMV. Are we expecting too much from the dr??

Her personality disorder makes it so much harder to deal with her and sometimes I want to resign my duties to her. She has always been abusive, name calling, accusations. She never formed a bond with any of us. She is never wrong, impossible to please even when to give her what she wants or do what she wants it is never good enough. She is a walking contradiction. How do I know she will be safe now that she doesn't want me to come around??

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She has not forgotten yet, it's amazing how she remembers negative info, but positive info she forgets. I talked with her last week and she started in accusing us of trying to have her put away. I told her we can't "put you away", you are not incompetent, then she would deny that is what she said. The very next sentence, she accuses us again. So for the most part I am leaving her alone, I can't do anything else until the dementia progresses enough to the point that we can hire someone to come in her home to help. Eventually she will have to be place in a care home, however, our desire is for her to be home and independent for as long as possible.
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If she has that much dementia then she may soon forget that she told you to stay away from her. It would seem to me that she would not be able to maintain the same response to your presence day after day for very much longer. Just hang in there, you've got a tough one.
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You are doing the right thing. One thing I've learned is DON'T let her bully you around. You must let her know you are acting as a normal caring daughter , and would never steer her wrong ,that what you do is in her best interest. As far as this Dr. goes he should tell her about the driving so she knows that this is coming from proffessional advice. He should be doing all he can to help make this transition easier for you. Tell him you want him to work with you, because it may just be another thing for your MoM to hold against you,to change her Dr. now. She may blame this on you too. YOU HAVE to let this Dr. know how you feel . Be strong, and hold your ground!!!!!!.



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Thank you coach, 195austin, and Jaye, you advice is appreciated!! My heart felt thanks goes out to all of you who answered. At this point in time we are just giving her some space to forget about last week. If we tried to place her in any type of care she can take us to court and would win. She is not to the point of being incompetent by California law. Until she progresses to stage 4, the dr. can't really diagnose her as having dementia. Again, I thank everyone. You have given me a lot of info to check out and your support has been a life saver for me!!
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I think you are in a very tough situation... It sounds to me that your Mom and mine are related... I would encourage you to do what you know in your heart is right. Your Mom is not capable of being alone all the time. Have you considered assisted living or senior housing? My Mother was just lost when my Father died. She was not eating she was calling me 10x a day and just not doing well. SO we moved her to a beautiful senior housing complex. She has her own apartment and she gets one meal at noon,( which is served in a dining room) and housekeeping. She is doing better. She still gets nasty and angry with me but she is NOT as bad as she was. I would encourage you to take some steps toward moving her. She will be mad for a bit, but she will get over it and she needs to be safe!take care and keep in touch...
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Check with the police depart. -in many states nothing can be done unless the driver is seen by the police doing something wrong and seems confused or inpaired then they would only have to take a driver test if they pass they get their license back
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I would recommend you follow the advise provided by Bridgett. Use the resources in your area to help you such as your local Area on Aging, Adult Protective Services, or your local Ombudsman. As for the driving situation, in some states you have to contact the DMV and in others it is the State Police. In either case they will evaluate the situation and help you.

I know these actions are hard many of us have had to do this with our own parents. For me it was my father. Most likely the hardest thing I ever had to do was have his driver licenses taken away from him. He felt that was his last little bit of independence, but you have to consider the safety of the parent and others on the road.
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Your doctor is correct. All you can do is be there for her and try to remember she knows something is wrong and she is scared and takes it out on the ones she loves. Put yourself in her shoes and you will have a better understanding. Do some research on Dementia and maybe find a local support group so you are ready for the journey you are about to take. Do not "baby" her, let her live like she wants to and make simple changes to assist her in living like she always has. This journey can be long and your mother is scared, be gentle with her and take care of YOU while taking care of mom. Make sure you have secured a durable power of attorney; get on her checking and all banking accounts. This will help in the long run when she can no longer make proper decisions. There are some great articles on here to help you know what paperwork you must have to help your mother as she progresses in this journey.
Blessings,
Bridget
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I just got back from the Dr. He explained to me that my mother is a very grey area right now and all we can do is wait. As she progresses, we can call Adult Protective Services to evaluate her. His last memory test on my mother was last year in January. Normal is 27-30, my mom scored 23. We know her memory has declined but the Dr. says she is still at a mild dementia stage. Because she knows she started the fire shows that her cognitive recognition is not bad enough to force anything with her. All we can do is be available to her, watch her etc. I am staying positive!!
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Thank you everyone for the suggestions, it gives me somewhere to start looking for additional help for my mom.
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