Why is my Mom so cooperative and loving with Adult Day Care staff, but uncooperative and mean with me?

My husband did not have demetia and was horrible to me and the jolly green giant to others for many years ubtil I decided I did not deserve it and would leave the room or if he was in rehab I would go home and stay away I could not change his behaivoe but could change how I responed-which gave me the power instead of him and made me feel better-elders act like they do usually because they can and no one wants to change them. Would they have let us as children act out this way -I do not think so a lot of elders get very selfish and think they are entilted to be as nasty as they can be.

Ascrazy as it sounds, your mother feels safe with you..and feels a need to impress strangers. She is not afraid to be herself, along with all her anger, fears, frustrations etc. If you look at her behavior from this point of view, it may be easier for you. Trust me, she loves you...and yes, you do have company>

All of the above comments are good. It is also important to set healthy boundaries with your mother. She can express her suffering in a healthy way that is not abusive to you. If after a dementia examination by her doctor, you find that there has indeed a change in her mental status, then try to deal with it as part of her disease. Video her behavior with both the Adult Day Care personnel and with you, and have a movie night to see what she says.

Oh, I just had a thought. The dependent parent now has NO way to repay all the favors. Sure they raised us, but they are not idiots. They know caring for them is 10x the trouble of caring for a child...and that it gets worse not better. Maybe they did it for their own parents or inlaws, or helped their parent care for grandma and grandpa. They think they have nothing to contribute any more.

I have countered that "can't make a contribution any more" by an agreement with the very loving and genuine next door neighbors, who have an 11 year old son who suffered brain damage during infant spinal meningitis attack. the boy is almost blind, and has a vocabulary of "doh," "buh," and "mah." However, he is a great joy, loves peek a boo, clapping and "Twinkle Twinkle." Mom relates to him totally.

Having run out of relatives 8 years ago (rather they ran out on us), I made plot with the parents to have Mom be wheeled over there to view the flowers and their new garden landscaping. Often they are outdoors with the boy or their other children, or they'll come out to visit with Mom. I take a photo each time of our last visit and have Mom give it to them as a present. I also find a rounded rock from our garden, wash it off, and have Mom give it to them as a present for the base of their new fountain. Last visit, the husband gave me a beer, so I will buy him a 6-pack.

Again, a photo each time. I even have a photo of Mom with the photos she will give them. This creates a continuity of contact and proof that Mom contributes to someone's life. I have photos of kisses all around. We are blessed that these people live there and are the Real Deal. Of course their experiences with the boy (and the gal's father had Alzheimer's) has strengthened their characters.

I use photography in this way every time we go to the ER or hospital. Pretty soon, I have nurses coming in to hug Mom and get kissy photo. I can show Mom the photographs instantly on the back of the camera.

Rather than snipe at the concept that a nursing home caregiver's get more respect than I would, I'd make them allies immediately and keep that "love" going. I would take photos and bring in a few new ones each time, and have mom make present of photo to the caregivers. Make allies of roommates also.

Cheryl, based on what i've learned reading through posts on this board for a few months, the kind of behavior you're describing in your mother unfortunately seems to be a common occurrence. I've read about other people's elderly parents who treat their caregiver , the adult child, abusively.....yet they don't treat others this way. In my own father, I've seen some behavior of this kind, and it is frustrating when nobody else sees the difficult behavior that I encounter in him.....because he puts on a different face for others. So I sympathize with you. As to why your mother is acting this way, maybe one of the website pros ( experts) could tell you, but I can only guess that there has been some kind of mental decline in your mother which is causing this. I hope it helps you to know that you have company.

the doctor/psiquiatrist/ counselor/ always try to convince us that's dementia, pshycoaffective disorder but we think that the patient knows what she is doing because why she tries other people with respect and politely and she is mean, unkind toward you? It's a mix of both dementia and unkindness that they are very manipulative or just want to take it on you because she recognize your face/you as being her daughter. That's have happened to me as well. It's very complex, so don't take it very personal or you will be crazy. try not to think about this all the times because this is very destructive. we can't allow our parents, family or friends sickness/dementia get onto us. we have to be strong. they are sick, so you don't want/need to become sick because of them either.

Even understanding all of this it still hurts so much when my son tells me to not stay out working in hot weather I know he cares but it someone said the same thing to my Mom she would have a hissy fit I hope this means I will be a nice old lady in years to come-the ones who are mean will be lonely because no one will want to be near them.

I don't think you're far off base at all. I think family members feel ENTITLED to treat each other with disrespect and boss them around. I know I am more bossy with Mom than I would be caregiving a stranger. But then if it were a stranger caregiver, I'd be on for 8 hours, then off for 16, with two days off per week and perhaps a vacation and the freedom to call for a replacement caregiver if I were sick and and and. . .perhaps benefits!

One a few occasions when Mom has thrown her kleenex at me in disgust like "there, I blew my nose area you happy now?" attitude, I snapped back, "I have never thrown anything at you, never hit you...but you might remember beating us with the dog leash and spanking us with the hairbrush when we were little kids..." All that stuff is buried in our shared histories and will come popping out at times under stress.

Anyway, it's perfectly logical that blame would be thrown to the current jailor, which is usually the grown caregiver kid. Even the deadbeats can be seen as saviors, coming to relieve the boredom and the "live miserably forever after" of the parent's current life.

I often look at my mother's pity party behavior and wonder "what the heck have you been doing for 90 years, if you haven't been figuring out your life?" What did she expect old age to BE? Struggle to live long...and succeed, and NOW you're not happy. Cause your dentures don't fit cause you never had them relined in 50 years. And you didn't have the bottom ones fixed when the dog used them as a playtoy.

Gee... OH I see it's my fault. Even though she has dementia, I don't let her get away with this blame game. Somewhere in there is still HER, and she can stand in her own life's decisions.

Did I wander too far off topic? Guess not. The professional caregivers do not know her history so they can start off with "tabula rosa" (clean slate). And I'd show up all depressed I have to be responsible for her again, Mom would sense my demeanor, and so forth...

I go through the same thing with my Mom. She is 83 and is angry and unappreciative of anything I do for her. She shows loving kindness to her other children on the phone when they call but to me its a different story. I do realize she is aging and its part of the process but it is very difficult to be the only one she is so difficult with.

May God bless all of you as I have learned so much reading your posts. Wow, this website is awesome. As you can tell, I'm new at this full-time caregiver role. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to give back to my Mom, but I understand what you mean about the contradictions. My Mom so misses her independence, and she has always had a defiant streak. I do what the neuropsychiatrist suggested of giving Mom two choices with what I can so she can make her own decisions, but when I have to discourage her from drinking copious amounts of water (sodium depletion/psychogenic water drinker) and too much caffeine (she will not drink decaf), she tells me I'm mean and terrible. Many times she gets agitated and hateful when I ask her to change her panties or socks. I can see where she thinks I'm invading her privacy and "telling" her what to do, but the only other option is a nursing home, which she adamantly opposes. The professionals tell me her mental decline is too far along for assisted living and she requires 24/7 care. She told me the other day that the Adult Day Care worker told her she is not allowed to get up and get her own water. When I asked her how she handled that, she said she did what they told her. I was shocked and asked her if she tried to talk them out of it (like she does me). She said she said nothing because they make the rules! Imagine that!

I'm smiling as I'm typing this now because you all have taught me a lot. I must admit we've had some screaming matches since I've put on this caregiver hat, but I pray I'm getting wiser. I think what you all are saying is none of this is about me. I've got to do what has to be done to ensure my Mom has a good quality of life, yet I have to have boundaries too. Jeesh, it can be hard, but I thank God you all are here to help me. May God bless you all for sharing with me. You have made my life soooo much more peaceful!