How to convince our uncle that we did not steal his condo or his money which is all in a trust?


His nastiness and accusatory behavior is starting to wear on us. Our aunt, his wife passed away several months ago leaving him and an adult down's syndrome daughter who lives in a group home. We are her legal guardians and his power of attorney. He is insisting that we schemed and have taken title to his condo and taken his money. It breaks my heart that he has such a low opinion of us to think such terrible things and don't know how to react to his rantings. He lives alone - we are there (40 miles each way) 2-3 times a week. We take him to all his doctor appointments. We have arranged for a woman who come in 2-3 times a week to do cleaning, cooking. laundry and will take him on any errands. The more my husband and I are involved, the more angry he becomes with us. Any ideas out there?

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I don't doubt a bit that his behavior is wearing on you. What an unpleasant situation. Maybe you are dealing with age-related decline, but it really sounds more like dementia to me. My first piece of advice is don't take the rantings and accusations personally. He has recently lost his wife and no doubt his world is turned upside down. And he can no longer really understand his finances and that is a frightening realization. He is having a hard time making sense of his world and he is lashing out at the closest people to hand. (And also the safest. He probably trusts in your continued love.) It is highly unlikely that he has a low opinion of you.

What he should be saying to you is "Thank you for looking after my dear daughter, because it is beyond me to do so," and "How kind and helpful you are to find a housekeeper for me. I don't know what I'd do without you," and "I am so grateful to have you to take me to appointments. You are wonderful people!" But instead he says "You stole my condo title!" Is that fair, and just, and right? Absolutely not! Life is not fair, and dementia or diminished cognitive capacity is especially not fair.

So let me say, "You are wonderful people. It is so kind of you to take responsibility for your handicapped cousin, and to help your confused and angry uncle, in spite of himself."

Please do not take his irrational raving to heart. Do what you can to sooth him. (I wouldn't waste a lot of effort on trying to convince him logically and with evidence. It probably won't make any difference.) Do what you have to to protect your sanity, like telling each other how wonderful you are when he fails to tell you. Perhaps try backing off a bit for a while, maybe increasing the housekeeper hours if that is an option, and see if he calms down.

My heart truly goes out to you all. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be the one totally confused and ranting irrational accusations. (If I reach age 85 I have a 50/50 chance of having dementia -- as do you. Kind of a sobering thought, eh?) I hope if I do there will be some kind people like you in my life, to look after me in spite of my behavior.
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Hi borcaphive,1st off, please do'nt him 4 blameing u, sorta double neg.,when people can say things they believe r true, there so much at large,can u ask him why he thinks u have the title,can u show him how 2 obtain/see the papers of title. Ask him what $ he's talking about that he's missing. Before all that ask him where the stuff should be now, as where it went before all the happenings beganif anywhere
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