AnnieE Asked June 2012

Do we get more in home care or move to nursing home care when is it time?

Follow
Share

My father lives with his wife 82 yrs old (married 1.5 years) and has left the house for a walk without the spouse; he has begun to drink fluids such as (salad dressings, laundry detergent) and spit them out(due to taste) because they are visible. do we move him closer to fami

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
6

Answers

Show:
jeannegibbs Jun 2012
It is very kind and appropriate to be concerned about your father's welfare. Do what you can to be supportive of his wife and to let her know that you are willing to step in a little more actively when she would like that.

Please, please keep in mind that his wife is the person he SELECTED
to spend the rest of his life with, in sickness and in health, for better and for worse. This was more than a year ago, but it sounds like she has been a part of the picture, as a friend of the family, for much longer than that. You haven't said anything to indicate that she is a gold-digger or has ulterior motives. Presumably they love each other and saw/see mutual benefit in entering into a formal, legal relationship. You know that part in a traditional (Christian) wedding ceremony that pronounces the union and says "let no man put asunder"? That means no adult child should put it asunder, either. I urge you to be really, really cautious about moving him closer to his children if that means you are moving him farther from his wife.

If both he and his wife need help, then getting it provided in their mutual home makes a lot of sense to me. If they had an aide who could make sure the salad dressing got put away in the far reaches of the fridge and the orange juice and V8 juice were in the front, and liquid detergent was never in plain sight, that might prevent a lot of problems. And an aide to take a walk with -- with or without wfie accompanying -- and to encourage simple exercise could help out without anyone moving out of their home.

Or perhaps helping them locate an assisted living facility where they can continue to live together would solve a lot of issues. If this seems like the direction to take, I hope you can work with the children of your father's wife.

Definitely, some medical assessments are in order. Then some appropriate steps should be taken to help compensate for the impairments identified. Breaking up a marriage to provide this help seems to me like an extremely drastic last resort.

Good luck ... and come back and tell us how things progress for all of you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Sparkly Jun 2012
You may need to have your father's mental and physical state evaluated by a geriatric specialist. This may also help your step-mother understand what's going on with him and allows her to make educated decisions that need to be made. I assume that she's aware and concerned about his wandering, memory loss and unusual (drinking any type of liquids) behavior?! If not, I would be worried about her mental health or her attitude, as well. (In that case, you may have to bring things up to her kids attention and ask them to have her evaluated as well.)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

AnnieE Jun 2012
you are right she does feel she can handle it "most of the time" her children are close and very supportive to her, but ultimately they are her children. I think he would actually have more happy memories living closer to his family, although he grew up where he is living now, small town in northern maine, I think his memories are more of the town and neighborhood when he lived there as a child and man with his young family. i do not think the facilities as avaialble as they might be further south. I do hope we can work this out amicable thanks.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

DonnaG Jun 2012
It sure sounds like a tough situation. Do you know her kids? Would they be a help or a hindrance in figuring things out? Perhaps she is overwhelmed and will welcome someone else stepping in, though more likely she believes she is able to handle it. Do you think your dad would be happier living near his wife, and do they live in an area with good facilities? Perhaps someone with legal knowledge will answer your questions. My layperson response is that his wife probably holdsthelegal right to make decisions about his care unless he wants to grant his children the POA. Is he competent enough on some days to do that? I hope you all can work something out amicably that will be the best for all in a crappy situation.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

AnnieE Jun 2012
We are pretty clear on my father's medial status, He has dementia and poor vision
she is much less active than he is. He was used to exercising on a daily basis and he is leaving the house without his wife's knowledge going for long walks and then possibly forgetting where he is. His vision is poor but judgement is poorer (ie drinking fluids left out) he remarried about 1.5 years ago and perhaps we should have suggested otherwise. She owns the home they are in and she can live without support. they do have meals on wheels to assist them. if he is to go into a nursing home we (family would like to have him live more central to his children) I do not know if we have a leg to stand on. we will be having this conversation with his wife (who was a long time family friend) but wondering if we as the immediate family have any options.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

DonnaG Jun 2012
What does his wife say? It definitely sounds as if your father is failing. (I guess, or is it his eyesight? Does he go for his walks at strange times or have trouble getting back or why are the walks a problem?) Is his wife able/willing to coordinate care? Are they financially able and are they willing to go into an assisted living apartment setup? It would be good to have conversations about your concerns and options now, before a crisis. A start would be for your father to get checked out medically as to what he is facing. Eyesight problems, thyroid problems, low levels of B12 all could be playing a part. Good luck with the tough conversations and decisions.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Related
Articles

Related
Questions