My Dad used to say "If you 'think' you know the answer, then you didn't understand the question." I inferred the lady in question might be a danger to herself and therefore shouldn't be living alone. I'd have a friendly chat with her to find out her reasons. Perhaps she doesn't see the need, or perhaps the idea of giving up her independence is making her fight until the bitter end.
Any way you look at it, she has a right to self-determination, to make her own decisions, and to fail. This scrappy Lady might not see the light right now, but she'll eventually feel the heat. For now, I suggest you don't do anything alienate her further and keep the avenues of communication open. She'll reach out.
My 93 yr old mother has some Dementia. Needs no assistance to get around, but refuses to wear Depends and is constantly soiling herself and the carpet. I do NOT argue with her but gently talk with her and still she gets defiant. I choose my words and sentences very carefully, but nothing seems to help. She thinks she is capable of EVERYTHING.. She can't remember how to cook, make simple tea/coffee/ cannot remember if she took her meds or not and will take them 3 or 4 times a day. I have taken control of her meds to see that they are administered once a day. She refuses to take baths and every nice suggestion is met with defiance and resistance. If I try and have a nice conversation, she turns it into something that's crazy and declares I am making up stories, etc, etc. She refuses to go to the doctor, the dentist, her eye doctor and refuses to go outside her own house. She refuses, refuses, refuses almost everything. She can't watch TV because can't operate any type of remote. She won't wear her hearing aids, and hates if anyone tries to visit her. To other people she puts on a good face and acts really nice. I have 2 Caretakers that come in 3-4 hours a day to cook and clean for her. She does not like them either. She hates to hear any type of music and won't allow anything to be thrown away. Has to be done on the sly and she never misses it. When my brother & sister-in-law were here to help, we all tried to gently and the sweetest way possible to talk to her about getting wonderful help and living in a smaller Assisted Living Place. She blew her stack and announced she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself!!!! Told us all she could cook and clean for herself and drive herself to the store, etc, etc, etc. She can't do any of that and hasn't for the last 6 mos. Any suggestions now?
Katy, First, congratulations on all you've accomplished. Dementia is so very challenging to work with and it appears you've had some successes. You've made sure Mom has food prepared for her and her house kept reasonably clean, in spite of her objections. You've taken over the meds, even though Mom "knows" she can do it herself. Those are no small things.
It must be so frustrating not be be able to improve the quality of her life because of her refusals.
Maybe the incontinence is the next battle to choose, just as you chose the medicines to tackle. What if she went to her underwear drawer and the only things in it were the best looking panty-style incontinent briefs you can find?
If she won't bathe, will she allow the use of the products for bed-baths?
You must be at your wits end. I've had a little taste of this with my husband's dementia, but nothing like you are dealing with. Do you think ALF would be suitable for her? It kind of sounds like she might need a memory care unit. Not that getting her into one would be any easier than getting her into the other.
I don't have any magic answers, but I sure am sending best wishes your way.
I can empathise with your situation since my father-in-law was very similar. He refused any help, locked the door and wouldnt let care givers in, refused meals on wheels, would drink from dawk til dusk, fry french fries and fell asleep setting fire to the kitchen cabinets twice. He was also manipulative and told neighbours that we never visited him just a few hours after we'd left. We asked him multiple times to come live near us and provided him with an apartment free of charge. He agreed then at the last minute insisted on flying to his New Jersey summer home even though he couldnt walk. As he was wheeled onto the plane I saw him throw out the sandwiches I had made him for the trip and when his friends picked him up at the other end, he complained he was cold and hungry and he soiled himself in their car. For the next 3 days, he didnt eat or bathe but would just drink whiskey all day and we had to endure calls from his neighbours asking how could we have let him fly to New Jersey. How could we have stopped him? He was determined and bloody minded. Anyway, long story short, his friends/drinking buddies (who now hate us) took him to the hospital for dehydration, after a few days he went into rehab, and after that we were able to move him into a nursing home. Maybe the transition from hospital to rehab to nursing home might be an idea for your mother. Good luck and remember to try and keep a sense of humour if you can.
Is this your mother? What here impairments? What is it she refuses to believe? What would you like to see happen?
Provide a little bit more information, please, so we can help you.
My Dad used to say "If you 'think' you know the answer, then you didn't understand the question." I inferred the lady in question might be a danger to herself and therefore shouldn't be living alone. I'd have a friendly chat with her to find out her reasons. Perhaps she doesn't see the need, or perhaps the idea of giving up her independence is making her fight until the bitter end.
Any way you look at it, she has a right to self-determination, to make her own decisions, and to fail. This scrappy Lady might not see the light right now, but she'll eventually feel the heat. For now, I suggest you don't do anything alienate her further and keep the avenues of communication open. She'll reach out.
She refuses to go to the doctor, the dentist, her eye doctor and refuses to go outside her own house. She refuses, refuses, refuses almost everything. She can't watch TV because can't operate any type of remote. She won't wear her hearing aids, and hates if anyone tries to visit her. To other people she puts on a good face and acts really nice. I have 2 Caretakers that come in 3-4 hours a day to cook and clean for her. She does not like them either. She hates to hear any type of music and won't allow anything to be thrown away. Has to be done on the sly and she never misses it.
When my brother & sister-in-law were here to help, we all tried to gently and the sweetest way possible to talk to her about getting wonderful help and living in a smaller Assisted Living Place. She blew her stack and announced she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself!!!! Told us all she could cook and clean for herself and drive herself to the store, etc, etc, etc. She can't do any of that and hasn't for the last 6 mos. Any suggestions now?
I'm sorry for trying to help.
First, congratulations on all you've accomplished. Dementia is so very challenging to work with and it appears you've had some successes. You've made sure Mom has food prepared for her and her house kept reasonably clean, in spite of her objections. You've taken over the meds, even though Mom "knows" she can do it herself. Those are no small things.
It must be so frustrating not be be able to improve the quality of her life because of her refusals.
Maybe the incontinence is the next battle to choose, just as you chose the medicines to tackle. What if she went to her underwear drawer and the only things in it were the best looking panty-style incontinent briefs you can find?
If she won't bathe, will she allow the use of the products for bed-baths?
You must be at your wits end. I've had a little taste of this with my husband's dementia, but nothing like you are dealing with. Do you think ALF would be suitable for her? It kind of sounds like she might need a memory care unit. Not that getting her into one would be any easier than getting her into the other.
I don't have any magic answers, but I sure am sending best wishes your way.