My sisters and I have asked my Mom not to drive anymore. She is listening to us but laying so much guilt on us, how do we not give in to her and her guilt trip?

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My Mom is listening to us, and not driving. I know that she knows in her heart it is not safe. It's just the daily dumping of guilt. She's trapped in her house, can't go to the grocery store to buy food, can't visit her friends, condemned her to a live of isolation. We're busting to make sure we get her to everything. I work full time and almost exclusively use my vacation for her. I'm to the point of breaking down and telling her to go ahead and drive. I just get so tired, like everyone else. No end in sight, except a bad ending. After 4 1/2 years, I am just so tired.

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You did the right thing and she probably can aford a car service to take her out once a week to do her errands do not let the guilt get to you she will keep it up as long as it gets a rise out of you too many older adults are allowed to drive because no one wants to make the hard choices of telling them they no longer are safe we have had elderly drivers drive into donut shops and resterants because they get confused and step on the gas instead of the break they will fuss and fume for a while but you have to do what is necassary to keep them safe and others.
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Many Towns have senior buses (not necessarily at her door step but very near by). Can you budget for her to have a taxi or a driver at least once a week. Our moms make choices-most often the ones at the elder ages know just how to push our buttons.
Also- stop with the guilt- it will bring you down, you are a good person in a difficult situatuion. It is imparative you take that vacation- could be the best thing for your mom.
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My mom quit voluntarily when she could no longer answer the questions on the driver's license exam. She still has her car because she thinks someone will take her around if she lets them drive it.

The isolation is traumatic. My mother says she lives on death's row in solitary confinement. Cheery thought.

I don't feel guilty. She's had her time of independence. And now she's lived longer than most people. It's time to move over. She's got a freebie just to be alive.
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Just wanted to say thank you for all your input. I know we are right in not letting my Mom drive. She has had 3 fender benders in the past year, all her fault. She is in poor health, having short term memory issues and is on many meds, including pain killers. I'm getting much better at making light of it when my Mom starts with the guilt. I now congratulate her with "Good one Mom, great guilt trip." I did talk to my Mom's doctor and she said how will you feel if your mother hit a 5 year old? I can only hope that when it comes time for me to get off the road, if I don't have the common sense, someone will step in. Thank you everyone again.
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Hey, ask how tired you are after 8.5 years and no job for yourself but always 24/7 for your mother. Forbidden to have any of your friends ... or any other relative...stay longer than three hours.

Just a bit of perspective. Perhaps your situation looks rosier now.
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yeah, if you shouldn't be driving you shouldn't be driving. It doesn't matter the reasons why. You get tested and if you can't pass the test you don't get to drive period.
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I agree with Jennie. 1000 & 1 %!!!

I mentioned liability in an earlier posting because if something were to happen in which mom caused an accident and her
insurance didn't cover it, there would be very real problems
and a likely judgement against her. Having a judgement against her could pose problems later on in selling property
and perhaps in finding a place in the future.

I know for a fact that the senior community my MIL is in ran a background and credit check on her as they do for all new residents. One of the other residents wanted to have their car
but was not approved/allowed as they had several accidents.

If she shouldn't be driving then she shouldn't be driving. She is
so lucky that you all can take her places. Feeling guilty is something you can control - there is no reason for you to feel that way. You are doing what is best for the long term.
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Sorry, Ed, but I totally disagree. Letting her drive occasionally will only convince her that she can still drive whenever she wants...and maybe involve both of you in a wreck! I hope that when I am lucky enough to reach an advanced age I will be wise enough to be realistic about what I can and cannot safely do.
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If your Mother was a danger to herself and others then you did the right thing. You would not give keys to a car to a drunk. Knowing you did what was right should alleviate the guilt. Having your Mother blame you for her mobility problems comes with the territory. Now that you have taken the keys find some ways that get her out of the house. Being out will lessen the "not drivinig" complaints and comments. Be happy that she is mentally and physically healthy. . Good Luck...
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DREAMER:

Driving -- Let her drive every now and then, but someone should go with her. You, your Duchess of Discipline-type sisters, or one of her friends with a valid license who doesn't have a medical/psychiatric impairment.

Depression -- If you don't let her out of the house, it's going to be very difficult to get on with the rest of her life. Prozac and all those happy pills won't make any difference except mask the pain she has to face in order to cleanse her spirit and cope with the loss of a life-long friend and partner.

Just put yourself in her shoes. What would you do? Fight or give in and give up?

Inquiring minds want to know.

-- ED
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