Am I wrong to make my mom pay the difference of moving to a new home so we all can live comfortably?

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My Mom 89, has lived with husband and me for 2 yrs. We have been unemployed for the past 10 months and very near out of safvings, but husband may be offered a job (fingers crossed) next week. if he gets it we will have to move.

A preliminary search shows that the rental house market is tight and pricey - to get a comparable home to the one we have here, and in a similar-type neighborhood, is going to cost about $1000 more per month than what we spend now.

An apartment is more affordable but out of the question - not big enough enough to give us any space away from Mom, and Moms ALZ, and the sometimes incessant yelling at all hours is not suitable for apartment living.

Here we have a 3 story home an she has an in-law suite on the LL, while we spend most of our time on the top.

So - do we sacrifice our standard of living so Mom doesn't have to contribute to the cost - or do we go with the type of place we are used to and have always lived in (husband is a upper level manager) and make her pay the difference?

I have two nasty brothers who never visit OR call but i am sure I will have to account to them when all this is over. I am an honest, ethical person and don't even want the appearance of doing anything 'wrong'.

Answers 1 to 8 of 8
I don't see anything unethical about having mom pay room and board. First check out what an assisted living place would cost her per month. That ought to make it easier to justify to anyone who needs justification how much you are saving her. Her money is hers to spend for her care and her pleasure. She has no obligation to leave an inheritance. Is she competent to sign a rental agreement? Do you have POA? Draw up an agreement and keep records.
I have POA, gotten just before Mom received her Alzheimer's diagnosis 4 yrs ago. Mom is too far gone to be in AL. She would require 24/7 NH care in a dementia wing (or so my aunt did with similar symptoms).
My answer stands. I see nothing wrong with what you are thinking of doing, and you have the authority to do it. Gather up information on the costs of skilled nursing home dementia care, so when "accounting time" comes your brothers will know how much money your devoted care saved of mom's estate, even if they don't care about the quality of care she got.
Top Answer
You are providing 24/7 dementia care, giving your Mom a nice place to live plus utilities and groceries...and you are worried whether it is ethical to have Mom chip in? The quick answer: it is.
As Jeanne said, find comparable care costs in the area and document it. (btw, you are providing one-on-one care which would never happen in an NH).
Of course, you need to be aware of what your Mom can afford and not go beyond what is reasonable. But anything that is related to her care should come from her income. Really, who cares about the absentee bros? Let them come and experience the joys of caregiving firsthand.
If you want to go with the renting option, you can find nice condos or duplexes that are main level and are side by side. That way you can have the space you need and Mom will be close by. Then, her name is on the lease and you can prove that her funds paid for her space.
Geeezzz, I am getting so tired of all of us having to tiptoe around uncaring sibs. When all is said and done, all they want you to do is, "show them the money..." Sad for them, a pain for us!
Do what you think is best for all of you. You have the stress of the job search and move ahead of you. Don't worry about the "nasty brothers."
good luck
I am interested in the responses to this question too because I can see myself eventually having the same problem. Right now my mom lives alone in an apartment and is doing fine but down the road I am sure she will either have to go to AL or move in with me. My house is to small for my husband and I so there is no place for her. I have been thinking that if that time every comes we could maybe lease a place that has room for all of us and she could help with the rent each month. I don't see any other way around it.
In a perfect world all homes with come with a soundproof in-law suite. (In the beginning I had a monitor and thus never slept - what was I thinking?)

BTW - I tried for years to help my Mom make arrangements for her banking and finances but was angrily shut out - despite the fact that I was a paralegal who had done such for others. Mom was a 'peculiarly paranoid" individual before sheever got sick, and as a result had no friends or family members left who cared. Only my oldest daughter and myself stayed in touch. And It was only because of old neighbors and good connections that we were able to get the POA done before she was diagnosed ith Alzheimer's!

If I had to do it again I would INSIST early on that all these steps be taken, all the desires and needs made clear or I'd stubbornly refuse to have anything to do with her. Of course with my mom that would have made no difference. But those with rational parents who expect they will be left to handle these things should put your foot down while there is still time.
Mariesmom...You are a wonderful daughter and apparently this rubbed off on your oldest daughter.You as well as your husband must both have the patients of a saint as well as a truely loving bond. This scenerio is a make or break situation, goodness and darkness is surely revealed. To go thru all this all and still care is something to be proud of as a family. With your Mom's best interest in your heart you cannot go wrong. Don't waiste your good energy on those who suck the good out of you. There is a cost of living expense allowed by law for your Mom's room and board and 24/7 care. You should find out these amounts. It's $335.00 a day for my county/state. The last thing I wanted to do was put my Mom in a NH. I must say that is the best thing I could have done. It was impossible to care for her at home(long story). My Point is routine is key, entertainment is needed, behavior monitored along with medication and human interaction on a daily basis is all needed for her decline in health and safety. I frequently visit the NH and I intreract and communicate with staff other residents as well as my Mom. I have witnessed some smiles from the residents that I didn'tthink could smile. Groove to music,I did not think they could even move. Play games like children and have joy and freedom to be who they are to a point. My Mom was at the point of hating me because I was her caregiver not a daughter. after 1 year she hs adjusted and is stable and healthy and HAPPY!!! As her caregiver she was not comfortable. As the
person that comes to comfort and enjoy good times I am welcomed with open arms. " I got MY MOM back!" Like a miracle I am her baby once again. The Mom you know is still in there. I have seen my mother go from completely delusional and confused to being aware of her surroundings and confortable and not stressed. She is still confused but with a routine and stable enviroment she feels a sense of control. Try to stay focused on what is best for everyone involved. Your health is important too. A person is financial responsable for themselves what ever you decide you don't have to pay for anyone else to live but as POA you have to make sure you do things for her benefit and should document everything you do or have done for future references. Good Luck!!!
wuvsicecream - where do I find this - can you point me in the right direction? We are in Maryland now, possibly (fingers crossed) moving to PA. Thank you!
"There is a cost of living expense allowed by law for your Mom's room and board and 24/7 care. You should find out these amounts. It's $335.00 a day for my county/state."

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