When do I know what my mom and dad can’t be left alone anymore?

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Mom has Parkinson's, back pain from 3 spinal surgeries, and is confused sometimes. Dad had a moderate stroke but cannot drive or dress himself anymore.

Answers 1 to 9 of 9
Have you tried looking into an assisted living facility...some do take couples.
Yes, but I really don't think they can be left alone much longer even though they are together. Mom is in so much pain she walks a little bowed over now, and her legs and arms are very weak, and they are trembling much more now. She is killing herself dressing Dad. He grabs her to steady himself, and she says it hurts so much when he does that. She is having difficulty just balancing their checkbook now. They both are showing signs of early dementia. I am very very concerned, and I want them to come live with me, or else I will be staying with them a lot more. We are about 110 miles from each other.
I meant to add that they have no real assets. Their home is paid for, but that is all. They don't even have life insurance, and Dad is 80 and had cancer 20 years ago. This is a real mess.
It really sounds like they need alot help on an everyday basis. I know that assisted living is expensive, but might be the best thing for them. I don't know what state you are in, but you might want to look into a reverse mortgage for them if they own there home. That may be a way for them to cover their expenses without having to worry about repayment of a loan. Just a thought. i really wish you the best.
Top Answer
1. Do you have medical and durable POA for your dad and mom?

2. Have they seen a doctor lately? If so, what has the doctor said to them about living alone at home or has the doctor not been told the whole story so it all sounds better than it really is? Parents are bad at doing things like that.

3. Has a doctor evaluated them to see if they are or are not competent to handle their affairs in a business like manner?

4. As my 85 year old dad has said many times, old people don't belong taking care of old people. He and my step-mother have reached the place where they must move into assisted living.

5, Have you looked into them qualifying for medicaid?

6. Do either of them have any type of retirement income other than social security?
It sounds to me like their health needs are beyond you having them moved into your house or moving in with them. If you have your own family, be warned from the stories all over this site about two families under one roof does not work although many try thinking they will be the exception.
Your parents are very lucky to have you looking after their interests. They may not recognize their own impairments until a crisis occurs.

What resources are available in their county to help them continue to live in their home? We worried about our mom, and were able to arrange meals on wheels, a once-a-week nurse visit, and cleaning help. My sister handles her bills. The weekly homemaker could run errands for her but we live close enough to handle that for her. These things enable Ma to continue where she is. We first had to get her on Medicaid but that was pretty easy since she had no assets and a clear health need. This is just an example. Perhaps your parents would also need a daily PCA for a few hours, to help them get showered and dressed, etc.

If that isn't enough, or when it becomes not enough, then you will need to look for suitable long term placement. You don't mention their financial situation. Depending on that you may need to start the process of applying for aid.

You may need professional help to determine what they need. Get social services involved.

And here is a tip. When interviewed, Ma insisted she didn't need anything. Sigh. When they asked if she needed a homemaker to help with laundry and cleaning, she said "oh my daughters can do that," and she insisted there was nothing wrong with her so she didn't need a nurse, and she could still use the microwave so she didn't need meals delivered. The interviewers are very used to elderly people in denial about what help they need. But we made sure that one of us (we designated one sister for this role) was always present for these kinds of interviews, as a reality check. We are looking into nursing homes, just in case. For now we are pretty sure she is OK on her own with the support we've arranged.

Good luck to you as you arrange for help your parents may not even admit they need!
1. My sister is the Executor of the estate and the POA.

2. They see various doctors on a pretty regular basis. I have gone now and then over the years, but not recently. That's about to change.

3. I did not know a doctor could test someone for skills like that.

4. They make just a few dollars over the limit to qualify for Medicaid.

singpeace, do you know they are over the limit for Medicaid by looking it up, or have you discussed this with a social worker or other knowledgable professional? Income is one criterion but medical need is another factor. And "spending down" may be an option. If you haven't already, you (or your sister) should explore this option thoroughly.

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