Losing the right to drive is one of the most traumatic things elders face because, for many, driving symbolizes independence. It's terribly hard for family members to stay strong, but this could be about life and death. Sympathy, empathy and the offer of helping with alternative transportation is essential.
The community has providing some wonderful insight in this thread. I hope that many read this through. Carol
My mom got her license renewed at 88 fair and square although she really didn't drive much and I took away the keys to her constant protest - months later a trip to the ER resulted in a notice to the dmv that she shouldn't drive and her license was pulled
We went to AAA and changed title over and I kept the car for a couple of years - she would try and get into it in the garage sometimes and get mad it didn't start - her main argument was that she was a good driver never had a ticket etc and I said we want to keep it that way
In her heart she knew she shouldn't be driving but the loss of freedom isn't easy to take
Now at 93 she occasionally still asks about her car - I am always honest up to a point and say you can't drive anymore - dr said - but I never tell her I sold her car to a friend who needed one for her teenage daughter
Okay - DMV sent a letter of suspension of driving priviledges based on medical concerns by a doctor. Then my Dad & I met with his doctor in April, doctor said he could not recommend that my Dad continue to drive, so my Dad agreed in front of the doctor to give me his keys and his car. My Dad and I went to the DMV and got the car transferred to my name and got him an ID card (Plus got the clerk to punch the not any good driver's license). I drove the car to my state and got it registered there in my name. My Dad and I did a gift letter of the car to me, with a Kelly Blue book value listed. So far so good. Now in the last 2 months, I get calls couple times a week asking how I am going to get his car back to him. He just got another letter from the DMV confirming the suspension and calls me again to demand his car back. He says he will park it in the parking lot of the Vets home he lives at and will ask other people to drive him to the big town (8 miles) away when he needs something. I am guessing he will continue to call and make the demand and perhaps he will not talk to me. In the meantime, any suggestions on not stressing out about the calls?? I don't want to just not answer the phone or keep hanging up, if I cannot get him to change to another topic. He lives where his scooter can take him most places for his needs, but wants to get into town like before.
The last time I took my mother for the test (a few years ago) most of the people could barely walk or stand up but they passed. There was no road test, just a written test. I wouldn't get in a car with those people either!
When we took my moms license and keys I explained that the doctor said she couldn't drive anymore. She said he never told her. So next visit I asked the doctor if she could drive or be left alone? He said NO! I said could you write orders for that. He took out his script pad and wrote that she couldn't drive or be left alone...I used to show it to her and it helped. Made him the bad guy.
I agree with JaneB. Tell her that you will be happy to take her to the DMV to take another driving test. You may want to ask her doctor to give you a written order for her not to drive if he or she is willing.
Fitzgerald, that is horrendous! I don't know where you live but I'd think someone would look into this. It's good to be "nice" to elderly people who are experiencing so many losses but it's quite another to renew a license when they fail the test. You should be able to report this to someone in your state, I'd think. Good luck. Carol
So many of my 86-year-old mothers' age-peer friends talk about the "nice" people at the DMV who renew their licenses even thought the seniors don't pass the vision portion of the test. They speak of this with glee and self-congratulation.
You might try calling her bluff. Let her go out to the car and figure out how to get in it, get it started and commence driving. What I've learned from two experiences is that it's one thing for them to whine and threaten, and another to call their bluff. Tell your Mom, "Sure, we will take you to get the license renewed -- you just have to pass the test again since the license expired. When do you want to go?" And I guarantee you she will not be going anyway.
I would believe the specialist and if you feel she should not drive you have to tell her that and not let her drive before someone or she gets hurt-of course she will lie if it suits her needs-they are better at it then teenagers.
Does your mother see an optomotrist or an opthalmologist? That is, is the person your mother sees for her eye glasses a medical doctor?
I think I would believe the specialist, who presumably knows more about the exact condition your mother is facing. But we know who you mother is going to believe.
Google "wet macular degeneration driving" and see what various authorities have to day about this topic.
The retina specialist told Mom she shouldn't drive (wet macular degeneration) she was furious! She went to her regular optomotrist and he said she could drive and passed her eye exam for driving. Who should I believe?
Your mother sounds like my mother. Can you let her know that insurance is not available due to her health issues at this time, but you will be glad to help her if insurance is ever available again? It sounds like she will never be able to drive again, but it is easier to accept things if an option still seems to be available even though she knows in her heart she cannot ever drive again. I think a loss of dignity is my mother's greatest fear as well as a lack of mobility. If I blame things on legal matters beyond my control, my mother is less hostile eventually. I hope your mother will realize how much you love her because it would be easier to avoid this stress. I am sorry. You will be in my thoughts. RLP
Noone wants to be the bad guy or girl. I am the bad one to my Mother now and probably forever, but I live in peace knowing she is safe and out of harms way. I learned from experience "you gotta do what you gotta do" but there are ways to relieving yourself as the bad one. For example give her the keys back ... while she is unaware also disconect the battery so car does not start or..not the correct ones but on same key ring... so she thinks they are hers. Instead of you being the bad one when she thinks the car wont work you'll be the one helping with errands and she has to give you control, so it turns it all around. It worked for my Mom with the house keys, she was always asking me for them "its my house my keys" she was right. So I gave her a phoney set, she was happy. It is a mental thing if she has the keys she's won her independance but if the car doesn't work it solves the driving issue. I always said to myself "would I let a 2 year old do that?" Would you feel guilty if a 2 year old wanted to drive? No it would be for thier own protection!
Tell her that the insurance company totaled the car and it is in a scrap yard and they will not insure her again because of the accident and her age.. Tell her it is unlikely that the Secretary of State will not renew her license. Chanches are,,,that is the truth.... Is there a transit system in her area that she can use? Is she close enough to a grocery store that she can walk to If not,,is there family or friends that could take her twice a month to shop for groceries and supplies. What caused the accident? Did she black out. Was she driving too fast? Was she on the phone? The answer to this question would shed some light on how we answer you. Good Luck to you both. Dane
my elderly mother ran her car into a house in the senior commuity where she lives,might of killed someone or self .Does not seem to bother her.She is driving me nuts,the car was towed off,and written off as total loss,as it is 18 years old.She is pressuring me to help her to get the car back.I told her no way, she needs to stop driving.
That Judge should have been reported if his judgement is so off maybe he should not be driving my mother's doc thought it was great a 91 yr. old was still driving if I was there I would have asked him if she could take him home that day any elderly person who has an accident should have to give the name of their doc who knows that they drive. Where I live you have to live near a bus line to be able to use paratranist.
julie - If your mom's birthday is coming up soon I would give her back her keys and when she goes to the secretary of state to get her license I would put a bug in the secretary of states ear before you go that she shouldn't be driving and that way they are the bad guys. Or you could talk to her Dr. before an appointment and have him tell her she shouldn't be driving any more. Hope things work out for you. Dane
Well, Alz, the good part is that the judge did give my sister and me guardianship, whatever that is worth. It might not mean a thing when you get down to reasoning with a woman with dementia. I guess the judge thought she was making a pretty good case for herself. She just so happened to have a "good" day when we went to court and could remember how old she was and her address, which stunned everyone. But it did become obvious that she was not functioning well after more questioning and testimony. It's a sad thing to see, but we feel morally bound to make sure she is cared for properly. Most of my siblings could not care less what happens to her, but a few of us have grabbed the bull by the horns and going to the rodeo. Good luck to you!
Pandoralou, your story about what the judge said about why your mother should not be allowed to live however she wanted, no matter how crazy...I lived on a small island with two very active elderly biopolar people, a man and woman, and Crazy Dave, whose house was covered in a half foot of shit. These people did very dangerous activities, and some of us who were trying to protect them from themselves worked with the sheriff's office. They were very clear that CRAZY was not enough to haul them in. They had to be 51/50, "danger to oneself or others."
So that was what I was used to when I first came to care for my mother, who was in pretty bad shape as a member of civilized society. Hadn't bathed in perhaps 7 months. So using that manner 51/50 way of thinking, didn't she have a right to be a slob if she wanted, to sleep all day and watch TV? Of course I did everything I could to clean her up, improve her diet, offer her nice things to do, etc. And she did improve a lot, especially after being put on Zoloft.
However, because of sisters' financial abuse, Mom was conserved by the county public guardian. I was made official caregiver. And I'd do things I would normally. Go to Starbucks for an hour, go shopping. They found out I was leaving her and were very clear: I could never ever leave her alone, ever again. Now THEY were responsible for her care, and had to get on My rear end to make sure that she would always be looked after. If I wouldn't have volunteered (ha ha), they would have put her in a nursing home. End of story.
So I find it still puzzling that crazy people have all these rights to live whatever alcoholic drugged out whacky way they want, but a little old lady has NO rights suddenly. What was the original question? oh the car. The bipolar lady was allowed to drive her car, often fueled with alcohol from a night of boozing. If the sheriff folks saw her car at the usual places, they'd take the keys (which she would leave in the ingnition) AND flatten her tires. She somehow managed to keep going. And I believe she is still at it, even after these 8 years. When she gets really bad, she escapes to live her life to Skid Row in Seattle.
Do not back down and return the keys to her. Help her with transportation as best you can by giving her rides, finding other people to drive her, etc. However, as with many situations involving the elderly, remember there is no perfect solution. Her driving wasn't a perfect path either. Try to be understanding of her feelings, but please stand firm. So many problems with elderly parents are heightened by giving in. Kinda like when your children were young...
If your mom isn't speaking to you, take it with a grain of salt and keep on keeping on.
Just the other day I was going into the market. An elderly woman driving a blazer called herself parking. She pulled into the "handicapped" spot, jumps the speed cement piller, goes right over it, and runs right into the wall of the market. It made a horific BOOM!!!!. A lot of people went over to the car to see if she was OK, however I remained back because no telling which way she was gonna go after that crash. She rolled down the window and said she was OK, attempted to back up, then went forward again, and hit the wall AGAIN. She backed out of the parking spot, and held up traffic for about 6 minutes doing so. She then went to another spot and parked. It was another "handicapped" spot, got out and went on into the store.
Elders should NOT drive, they are a danger to themselves and others. Don't feel bad because you took your moms keys, feel good that she will now become eligible to become "DRIVING MISS DAISY".
Even though she was saving a bundle by not having the car expenses, much more than the cost of the taxi rides, my mother hated spending the $ on the cabs. If your mother is like that, maybe you can sell her car, or put the money that she would have spent on gas into an envelope, and she can see that she is way ahead by using car services. If she has that control, she might feel a little better about it.
Man, this is hard. I am going through the same thing with my soon to be 89 year old mom. Her license expired last Nov. and she is insisting she will get it again. She has dementia, so that is not going to happen. Everything we try to do for her is a fight. She sees it that we are trying to take over her life. We got guardianship over her and she was beyond pissed. Fortunately, she sort of forgot about it. The judge asked us what gave us the right to intervene with her life, even if she was not safe, if she chose to live that way. Good question. In the end, he agreed she needed to be protected. Now we have to wrestle her into a very nice assisted lving apartment, which will be enough to send ME to assisted living. God grant me the grace to age without being a complete pain in the ass to everyone around me. ( :
She will get over it. Continue to show her articles of seniors getting into accidents and seriously injuring themselves and others (look on line) I'm sure you have brought up "how would you feel if you ran over a child"? Know that you did the right thing not only for her but also for everyone on the road that she may have injured. Now comes the hard part, making sure she has transportation to all the things that are her normal routine, it is a challenge but she will adapt, there are many very inexpensive dial a ride programs and call the senior centers in her area regarding transportation.
With my mom I sold her car but she had asked me to. Everytime she needed to go somewhere I made sure I drove her there. So about 2 yrs of this she told me she didn't need her car anymore so I said ok. I could not believe it it was great. That is the only we have not fought over. Good Luck
When I arrived to care for mom for the final three-6 months of her life EIGHT YEARS AGO, I wanted one of the sisters to play "good cop" to my bossy one. I would be the one to have to manage all her loss of control. They all refused. I wanted someone mom could dump on, to complain about me and have an ally, one who would mostly show up with fun stuff to do. I had to be the one who would get on Mom's case about throwing away her glasses, underwear, dentures, and it's hard to switch roles to "let's go to a movie, that would be fun." Of course, I do both roles, but it is like trying to roll a hippo into bed, the hippo being my overworked and stressed self. When I want to switch roles, I don't want her along, I want to escape into a movie theatre by myself.
So, if you have other siblings or your spouse, you might discuss approaching this through playing roles in your mother's closing dramas. She's doing a "dependency resentment" act on you, just like a rebellious teen who is still under control of her parents. You have just put your mother under house arrest, violated her privacy, and taken her freedom. If she's still able to make phone calls, have her arrange her own paratransit taxi rides.. Perhaps she'll make friends with the drivers.
This is another thing you can do WITH your mother, which is to go off various medications for a few weeks as a test. My mother's mental abilities plummeted because of Ditropan, a bladder control Rx. Who can go back in time, but when I took her off it, she came back to full consciousness, as if awakening from amnesia. That may have been ten years she was zombified so she wouldn't have an accident. Other drugs that caused dementia in my mom were Zocor (the doc and I did on/off/on/off/on/off over many weeks), Seroquel and now Ativan. When the patient has dementia, the doctor's slant is toward adding a drug to control the latest side effect. I am sick of the whole thing, frankly.
So, see about drug side effects. It could be that your mother will come to enough to be alert enough to drive again, AND either way, she'd be involved in the process and can chart her own results. Assuming you'd do some memory and other tests to chart this.
It is very hard not to become the parent, but I think it is essential that we allow our parents to maintain their roll. If we have to make any safety decisions, we discuss it with our mother first, bring her in and let her be part of the decision. It is terrible to feel as if you have no control. So - while I agree your mother should not drive if it is not safe, I fully understand why your mother is upset. I bet it would help if you acknowledge her feelings.
The community has providing some wonderful insight in this thread. I hope that many read this through.
Carol
We went to AAA and changed title over and I kept the car for a couple of years - she would try and get into it in the garage sometimes and get mad it didn't start - her main argument was that she was a good driver never had a ticket etc and I said we want to keep it that way
In her heart she knew she shouldn't be driving but the loss of freedom isn't easy to take
Now at 93 she occasionally still asks about her car - I am always honest up to a point and say you can't drive anymore - dr said - but I never tell her I sold her car to a friend who needed one for her teenage daughter
Fitzgerald, that is horrendous! I don't know where you live but I'd think someone would look into this. It's good to be "nice" to elderly people who are experiencing so many losses but it's quite another to renew a license when they fail the test.
You should be able to report this to someone in your state, I'd think. Good luck.
Carol
It makes me sick.
I think I would believe the specialist, who presumably knows more about the exact condition your mother is facing. But we know who you mother is going to believe.
Google "wet macular degeneration driving" and see what various authorities have to day about this topic.
Is there a transit system in her area that she can use? Is she close enough to a grocery store that she can walk to If not,,is there family or friends that could take her twice a month to shop for groceries and supplies.
What caused the accident? Did she black out. Was she driving too fast? Was she on the phone? The answer to this question would shed some light on how we answer you.
Good Luck to you both. Dane
Or you could talk to her Dr. before an appointment and have him tell her she shouldn't be driving any more. Hope things work out for you. Dane
So that was what I was used to when I first came to care for my mother, who was in pretty bad shape as a member of civilized society. Hadn't bathed in perhaps 7 months. So using that manner 51/50 way of thinking, didn't she have a right to be a slob if she wanted, to sleep all day and watch TV? Of course I did everything I could to clean her up, improve her diet, offer her nice things to do, etc. And she did improve a lot, especially after being put on Zoloft.
However, because of sisters' financial abuse, Mom was conserved by the county public guardian. I was made official caregiver. And I'd do things I would normally. Go to Starbucks for an hour, go shopping. They found out I was leaving her and were very clear: I could never ever leave her alone, ever again. Now THEY were responsible for her care, and had to get on My rear end to make sure that she would always be looked after. If I wouldn't have volunteered (ha ha), they would have put her in a nursing home. End of story.
So I find it still puzzling that crazy people have all these rights to live whatever alcoholic drugged out whacky way they want, but a little old lady has NO rights suddenly. What was the original question? oh the car. The bipolar lady was allowed to drive her car, often fueled with alcohol from a night of boozing. If the sheriff folks saw her car at the usual places, they'd take the keys (which she would leave in the ingnition) AND flatten her tires. She somehow managed to keep going. And I believe she is still at it, even after these 8 years. When she gets really bad, she escapes to live her life to Skid Row in Seattle.
Just the other day I was going into the market. An elderly woman driving a blazer called herself parking. She pulled into the "handicapped" spot, jumps the speed cement piller, goes right over it, and runs right into the wall of the market. It made a horific BOOM!!!!. A lot of people went over to the car to see if she was OK, however I remained back because no telling which way she was gonna go after that crash. She rolled down the window and said she was OK, attempted to back up, then went forward again, and hit the wall AGAIN. She backed out of the parking spot, and held up traffic for about 6 minutes doing so. She then went to another spot and parked. It was another "handicapped" spot, got out and went on into the store.
Elders should NOT drive, they are a danger to themselves and others. Don't feel bad because you took your moms keys, feel good that she will now become eligible to become "DRIVING MISS DAISY".
Know that you did the right thing not only for her but also for everyone on the road that she may have injured. Now comes the hard part, making sure she has transportation to all the things that are her normal routine, it is a challenge but she will adapt, there are many very inexpensive dial a ride programs and call the senior centers in her area regarding transportation.
Good Luck
So, if you have other siblings or your spouse, you might discuss approaching this through playing roles in your mother's closing dramas. She's doing a "dependency resentment" act on you, just like a rebellious teen who is still under control of her parents. You have just put your mother under house arrest, violated her privacy, and taken her freedom. If she's still able to make phone calls, have her arrange her own paratransit taxi rides.. Perhaps she'll make friends with the drivers.
This is another thing you can do WITH your mother, which is to go off various medications for a few weeks as a test. My mother's mental abilities plummeted because of Ditropan, a bladder control Rx. Who can go back in time, but when I took her off it, she came back to full consciousness, as if awakening from amnesia. That may have been ten years she was zombified so she wouldn't have an accident. Other drugs that caused dementia in my mom were Zocor (the doc and I did on/off/on/off/on/off over many weeks), Seroquel and now Ativan. When the patient has dementia, the doctor's slant is toward adding a drug to control the latest side effect. I am sick of the whole thing, frankly.
So, see about drug side effects. It could be that your mother will come to enough to be alert enough to drive again, AND either way, she'd be involved in the process and can chart her own results. Assuming you'd do some memory and other tests to chart this.
So - while I agree your mother should not drive if it is not safe, I fully understand why your mother is upset. I bet it would help if you acknowledge her feelings.