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She is 89,having mobility and self-care issues. Every day a new problem arises. My husband and 3 children(17,19,26) all help and are supportive but we are going crazy. My mom always thinks we are mad at her and she talks about each of us behind our backs. I have asked her to speak directly to whoever she has an issue with but she says she doesn't have a problem with anyone. If she doesn't see me for a few hours she asks someone if I am mad at her.

. She is "nice",doesn't complain,except about us being"mad" but she is very manipulative. I used to like to talk with her on the phone and visit with her. Now I feel as if I have lost my home . I avoid being with her as much as I can, isolate myself and I can hardly bear the thought of being with her because she acts so falsely pathetic. I am overwhelmed with guilt, grief ,anger at a situation I can't seem to clearly understand and therefore can't fix. I want to move away from my own home. I am so sad and lonely. Any help will be wonderful!

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Caremom~i checked out your situation and this is what I have found--hope that it is help to you and your family:

The fact that you are staying in this situation for the sake of your Mom, husband and your younger sibs despite the constant humiliation is proof that your Mom is wrong about you. Your Mom may have a mental illness or she may be such a terrified person that the only way she gets relief is to control everyone around her. Either way, you know that you have reached the point where you can’t manage her alone anymore.

It’s time to get some outside help. Your city has a number of offices of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) . Find the one closest to you. NAMI offers suppport groups to family members who are affected by mental illness. You can learn how to detach from what your mom says and how to build your own self-esteem despite her hurtful words-Also contact your nearest chapter of th Alzheimer's Association-who deals with MANY types of dementias..their 24/7 hotline # is 800-272-3900

Good Luck!

Hap.
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I really don't have anything to add to all that has already been said other than Save yourself, save your marriage, save your relationships with your children, and save your children's emotoinal health and find somewhere else for her to live and be taken care of! Start looking today!
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I always wondered why my Mom insisted that she didn't want to live with "family." As time goes on and I take a good hard look at our personalities, I see that she is very wise. I have always been willing to have Mom live with us, but now, I think she may be right.
Her desire is to live independently, which she does for now. After that....I am not sure what we will do. Even though she does not live with us, there is constant drama. It is hard for me to separate the real from the exaggerated. Most days, I feel like you - like I want to escape or my head feels constantly fuzzy.
My only suggestion to you is to carve out a little "me" time in your day. Can your hub or kiddos stay with Gramms for a few hours while you go out with friends? Do you have a hobby that you can pursue somewhere privately in your home? or take a class? or even take a walk? She will not change (trust me) and the behaviors will continue or get worse. It is really a battle of the wills and her desire is to be the "Mom" again and regain control of the reigns. The only thing you can control is your own thoughts and actions. But if the situation becomes more toxic, you will need to find other accomodations for her. (although, 6 months is not a long enough trial period. It took me at least a year to get used to my Mom moving here...and she doesn't even live with us...)
good luck to you....and find that haven
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Caremom , if you need to keep your mother in your home, then take the advice that AlwaysMyDuty gave you. If finances can permit placing her in assisted living, as Ibarro suggested, then by all means do that. Even if the finances are stretched by placing your mother in assisted living, you would gain back your sanity and strength, and no price can be put on those things.
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I think that the best solution is to put her in an assisting living facility, so your mom can has her own room or sharing room with somebody else and she will has all her medical needs meet. This is if you really want to have your privacy and your life back-just move her out. You and your family can go and visit her every day if you want/can. Are you mad at me? that's question is asked because she maybe doesn't want to interefe in your home-life, so if she is manipulative which I think elderly people really are, just ignore her...don't allow this get to you emotionally because you will feel guilty as you are saying. my mom is 72. her husband die and she is very bossy and she very dominant and she want to control and tell me what to do. she always has something to say without being asked for an opinion. she doesn't let me breath when my husband and I go to visit her in my hometown/country. I would never live with her because she is so annoying. next time when I will go to visit her I am going to stay at a hotel because she is always critizing us. is very bad/sad but that's how it is.
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caremom1, you didn't mention dementia so I guess mom can think clearly. If I were in your situation, I'd have the whole family gather and lay down some ground rules. Tell mom the pity party train has already left the station and stop thinking everyone's mad at her. (my mom always said I thought you'd left town or died. no mom, I've been busy) I would make sure your mom got the point that talking behind each other's back will NOT be tolerated.(my mom loved to do that) If she continues, each one should bring it to her attention and leave her alone to think it over. As long as she gets away with it, you are letting her be in control. It's your house and you are in control. You don't have to be her entertainment committee either. Help her get projects, read, etc if she's able. You MUST have your own time away from mom. All of your emotions are understandable and normal. Being friends with mom, for some people, pretty much goes out the window when you have to take care of her, especially on your turf.
I took care of mom at her home. We've never gotten along - ever. When it appeared she might need a lot more care, I knew I couldn't/wouldn't have her live with me. So I gotta hand it to you for moving mom in with you. I hope you won't let yourself get lost. Always remember how important you are as a person first, caregiver second, and it's not selfish to think that way. Try to throw out the guilt, ask yourself why you feel guilty and work on unloading it. Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends, family or your doctor. And please, do yourself a favor and don't buy into the martyr thing, it won't get you anywhere but in a state of exhaustion. It may sound silly, but just to make life bearable in general, I take a minute or so a few times throughtout the day to smile. I wish you the best!
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