TRACY Asked October 2008

My mom isn’t my mom anymore. Is there anyone out there in my shoes?

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I'M NEW 5 YEARS AGO MY STEP DAD DIED VERY FAST FROM CANCER. I WHATCHED AS MY MOM 71 AT THE TIME JUST STEP BACK AND LET ME TAKE OVER. WE TOOK HER TO HER DR , AND LOTS OF TEST. SHE HAD WHAT THEY CALLED STRESS DEMENTIA. I'M HER CAREGIVER, HER DAUGHTER 46 YREARS OLD. I HAVE A HUSBAND, A 26 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER AND A 3 YEAR OLD GRANDSON. BY THE WAY I ALSO HAVE 2 OLDER SISTERS THAT MOVED AWAY BECAUSE THEY DONT WANT TO DO ANY OF THIS, YOU KNOW THEY CALL HER HI HOW ARE YOU TODAY, OK BYE, OF COURE LOVE YOU MOM....EVERYDAY SEEMS DIFFERENT FOR HER AND ME. SHE CAN MAKE OR BREAK MY DAY. AND WHEN SHE IS UPSET BY SOMETHING, I'M HER MOMMY AND SHE WANTS TO TALK TO ONLY ME. IM ANGRY, HURT, I FEEL ALONE. IT SEEMS I CRY AT A DROP OF A HAT, MY PORE LOVING HUSBAND DOES NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO. MY MOM STILL LIVES ALONE, AND FOR THE MOST PART IS STILL DOING FARLY WELL. I'M OUT OF WORK RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF A BAD BACK, BUT I CANT WAIT TO GO BACK JUST TO HAVE TIME WERE I'M NOT THINKING WHAT IT SHE DOING, AND FEELING GILTY ABOUT EVERYTHING. I READ THAT SOMETIMES OTHERS IN MY PLACE SAY, I WISH SHE WOULD JUST GO TO SLEEP AND NOT WAKE UP. I DO THAT, GOD HELP ME BUT THAT IS HOW I FEEL. SHE IS NOT MY MOM ANYMORE, WE CANT LAUGH, GO SHOPPING, HAVE A GLASS OF WINE TOGETHER, GO TO DINNER.. THERE IS NOTHING LIKE THAT ANYMORE. AND I KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT THE END, BUT THE BEGINING FOR ME...

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Tracy, God definitely don't move her into your home. I wish both my parents evil thoughts every day. Been doing this 20 years now, and living with them 3. I am depressed, cry every day and feel I have no way out.

DEFINITELY LOOK INTO ASSISTED LIVING. Don't make the same mistake I did. Don't move her in. She will make your life miserable. My mom and I was best friends until she moved in with me and now I hate her guts.

Sorry to be so blunt, but learning to say what I feel, took a long time for this puppy dog girl.

Love,
Marylynne
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TRACY Oct 2008
THANK YOU
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beachwalker Oct 2008
Tracy I hear you and sympathize. Grown-up children should not have to take care of parents who behave like spoiled brats. Sure, Mom raised you and fed you and once upon a time you had fun together. But you are right, that person is no longer the Mom you used to have. Something seems to happen with illness and aging that makes folks different...self-centered, demanding, cranky. They feel pain a lot more, and let's face it, most are terrified of dying alone and in pain. Look into your local Visiting Nurse Assoc. for some home care help. DO NOT take her into your house. Be sure that you and your dear hubby take time to spend time alone...turn off the phone, the TV, the doorbell etc. Relax. Read, play cards whatever.
It would be great if you could find a day place for her to go to to be with others...a church group perhaps?
Do not blame yourself for her condition no matter what she says. Tell her you are proud of seeing what she can do for herself. Make a visiting plan for when you can phone her or read to her and such. Maybe three hours a week Something for her to look forward to. But don't get pulled into more than you can handle.
Good wishes to you.....Keep seeking help......
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Decor426 Oct 2008
Tracy first off don't feel guilty, second at least she still has her independence and don't enable her by doing things for her that she is capable of doing, third if chances are that she no longer can live alone do not invite her to live with you. Sorry I have to say that but it will only make things worse for you and your family and her. Possibly start looking for assisted living places that handle dementia.
Most people that have siblings do it all themselves, How is her attitude, is she mean?
Is she on alot of meds? Describe more to us, why you can't do the things you mentioned. Someone is always here to help in someway or to just hear you vent. Take care of yourself, Judy
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